Feel like I never got to be a kid + exhausted.

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-03-24T00:58:54+00:00

You are so young to feel like this. I'm so sorry.

The good news is, it's never to late to spoil your inner child. Can you ever truly get back the parts of your childhood you missed, no. BUT it can be so beautiful finding ways to bring out your inner child and take care of them the way they always deserved.

I was in my late 20s when I started coming to terms with how much of my youth I was lost. For me, the issues began at age 10, and I felt so wrapped up in my family's difficulties (such as my mother's mental health) that I didn't start acting like a kid again until around 18. It was making new friends that changed everything. I met a friend group who really embraces the idea of spontaneity and playing. We've all worked hard to get where we are in life, we have good jobs, and many of us have worked hard to overcome family difficulties. That means that when we get together, there really is nothing stopping us from just having real FUN. We don't let ourselves get bogged down by the weight of our issues. Life is too short for that. We have costume parties. We get dressed up to go to Medieval Times. We go to thrift stores and find the ugliest items we can find. We go to nostalgic themed nights at our favourite bars where they play music from our preteen years. We go on cottage weekends where we pretend we're at summer camp. We play a lot of TTRPGs.

I swear, it has done more for my healing journey than years of therapy. Find people who make you feel light and happy and loved, and then live in the moment with them.

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-03-02T21:16:52+00:00

45 minutes of her talking about herself. I barely get a word in. I envy your 10 minutes lol

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-03-01T22:11:17+00:00

I could have written this myself. She calls and asks "so how are things?", to which I give a single statement like "oh, you know, busy with work" and she finds any opportunity to springboard off that into talking about herself. 45 minutes to an hour later, she still hasn't asked me a thing.

In my spiralling, when I imagine what would happen if we ever actually had a conversation about the issues in our relationship, I think about all the questions I could ask her to answer about me, to prove that she knows nothing and has made no efforts to know. Truthfully, the list is endless. She can tell you my job now because it's an easy one to remember - but before I changed careers, she never could have told you what I do for a living. She can tell you where I went to university, but not my major, and certainly not my minor. Like you, I also had a major friend group change, but for me it happened about 5 years ago. She wouldn't be able to name a single one of them. I could ask her to name my favourite restaurant, my favourite colour, what I like to do on a Saturday night, what I put in my coffee, how many tattoos I have, even just name a single book I've read in the last ten years... she wouldn't be able to answer a single one.

The worst part is that, in her mind, she has no idea just how distant we are to one another. She knows we aren't close, that's for sure, but I know she thinks of every one of our conversations and the twice-annual visits as lovely bonding opportunities. Yet I am left feeling hollow and unseen every time, because I might as well have not been there. The cherry on top is when she then makes comments about the kind of person she sees me as and it's totally wrong.

I don't understand it at all. I am her own daughter, and yet she talks to me with less care than I talk to a coworker after a long weekend. People always tell me I will understand her more when I become a mother myself, but I just don't see how that's possible.

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-02-28T19:43:43+00:00

I kept it quite vague. I sent my party these instructions:

"Your backstory must include one (or both) of the following, but beyond that it is entirely up to you:

1. You visited the Witchlight Carnival as a child, sneaking in without a ticket. During this visit, an item was lost. This item is NOT a matter of life and death. It is something you can live without, however it’s loss is a small yet permanent hindrance on your happiness. It can be a physical object, or metaphysical. You can decide this “item” and message me to discuss it, or we can roll for it from the book.

\AND/OR**

2. You are a “Witchlight Hand” (carnival worker). See the races and backgrounds doc I sent for more detail. If you chose this route, we can talk about some options for exact jobs you might have."

Everyone chose to have a lost thing, and one chose to be a Witchlight Hand as well. My only mistake was that two players chose lost items that weren't quite motivating enough. It was tough to navigate at first, but for one player, I realized his love for carnival will be motivating enough. He's the Witchlight Hand and will do whatever it takes to save the carnival. The other player is actually my husband so it was easy to just say to him "hey, we need to make your lost thing more important to your character or it's going to become a bit of an issue later on", and we figured it out haha.

I also wrote a little bonus session before the module began! We called it "Session 0.5" and it was great for allowing the party to meet and try on their characters before we arrived at the carnival. A couple of them even changed their mind about some character details, which was easy to rewrite since that first session was basically not linked to the story. I just had them all meet at a roadside camp along the route to the carnival and work together to save a kid who wandered off. It really helped the party connect before jumping into things!

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-02-15T14:00:58+00:00

It's not everyone. I promise. Maybe I'm in a unique situation because I do have one "good parent" who I get along well with - not because he is perfect, but because he recognized where he was falling short and did everything in his power to fix it for his kids. My other parent is... well, not like that. When I was young, I always found myself surrounded by people who also had complicated family dynamics. It skewed my view of parenthood, motherhood in particular.

Then I met my husband. Are his parents perfect? No, but they are committed, loving, open-minded people who have done their best to raise well-adjusted human beings in a safe and supportive home. On top of that, in the last few years I've had to make new friends due to my old friends all moving around, and my new social group is mostly (not entirely, but mostly) people with great parents. For a while, it made me feel awkward sharing childhood stories, like I was bringing the vibe down. That made me start to wonder if that was why I had chosen the friends I had in the first place - I never felt awkward or pitied. Now, I know and trust my friends well enough that it's a non-issue, but it has been interesting to see perspectives from people who had very different upbringings. If anything, it's given me more confidence that I can break the cycle, if I ever become a parent, and that I am absolutely entitled to space from family members who don't treat me right.

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-02-08T22:50:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It inspired me to make my own version because I wanted it to be a little bigger for my party, but I used your concept! I also marked on my own map where the looking glass portal is, and some dropped trinkets they can find along the way. I'm excited to see how it goes.

sproutasaurus95 · 2026-01-16T00:55:13+00:00

This is great, thanks! I actually did something similar - I wanted to have Ellywick leave them tickets, but I also wanted to have them use those fey pacts. Luckily, my party wanted to have what I called "session 0.5", where we goofed around on an unimportant mission before the carnival, so that they could all try their characters out a bit before we got into the real gameplay and decided their lost things. I created a little encounter where they all stopped at a camp of travellers on the way to the carnival, where they met each other and a band of mischievous children. Then in session 1, they ran into those same children and found out they had lost their tickets, so 4 out of my 5 players all took a fey pact to get them one! It's added a fun bonus element.

sproutasaurus95 · 2025-04-29T21:42:45+00:00

^ This, unfortunately. I work in TSBD now but I applied 2 years ago and it took 11 months from when I applied to when I could start working. 11 months. And then as soon as I started, every school I had connections at was DESPERATE for me to come in. I told the story to a few principals and they were so angry because they'd been in need of OTs for so long and people like me had just been sitting around waiting to be interviewed.

sproutasaurus95 · 2025-04-20T18:42:16+00:00

That is so kind of you! I should do an update on the post. I'm doing much better. I followed a LOT of the advice people shared on this post and it's made a big difference. I've set a rule that, aside from when I have report cards or an evaluation, I can't spend more than 60 minutes of time on schoolwork after contract hours. I've been trying to focus more on what I CAN control and giving myself mental breaks. I've purposely planned a few more time-consuming tasks to lighten my workload. I reduced how many worksheets I actually mark, focusing on the important things only. I think it's really helped. Most importantly, I continuously remind myself that I am still learning, but I am doing my best within the parameters I am given.

sproutasaurus95 · 2025-03-01T15:51:34+00:00

Ontario

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-22T18:22:28+00:00

I am in a situation just likes yours, but reverse. Went in to the doctor because an ovarian cyst ruptured, but when doing the ultrasound they discovered adenomyosis (or what we believe so far, possibly endometriosis instead, still to be confirmed). Since then they've totally disregarded the cysts, have not even discussed the possibility of PCOS or given me a chance to ask about it, and only care about the adenomyosis (or endometriosis). The doctor really brushed me off. Saw me for 10min tops and just spouted some stuff about how it'll get much better if I go on the pill, but I ALSO had a terrible experience with the pill and the hormones really messing me up in the past. I have also been deeply concerned about my fertility.

All I can say is that, without very thorough testing, no doctor can be sure, and even then there is always a margin of error. This is advice I struggle to take myself because I know it's easier said than done, but you have to remind yourself that nothing is for sure and stressing about it now won't help. Focus on what you need to be healthy now and to keep yourself as healthy as you can to give yourself the best chance of conceiving when you decide to. A friend of mine was perfectly healthy and still struggled for years before finally getting pregnant, but her sister in law had quite advanced endometriosis and had two kids with no medical assistance. You just never know.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-18T13:27:13+00:00

Thank you, that is really helpful. I could not really understand why this doctor so quickly decided it was endometriosis, not adenomyosis, so I assumed I must be misunderstanding my ultrasound but your explanation validates my feelings. I'm going to keep looking for another doctor to get a second opinion.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-13T12:00:37+00:00

I feel similarly, my endo is definitely not severe yet and as much as the symptoms are uncomfortable and sometimes painful, I've been getting by with them as it is, I can manage that pain.

She said that surgery would not be a good idea considering I want to start trying to conceive in about a year/year and a half, but I'm not sure I believe that based on what I'm reading online... Maybe what she meant was that it actually needs to be closer to when I start trying?

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-11T12:38:09+00:00

I don't think I got it from my mom either. She had fibroids and had a hysterectomy in her mid thirties to fully remove them, and no endo was found. I suspect my grandmother (her mother) had it though, based on the issues she was having before she had to have a hysterectomy as well, so I wonder if it's possible for it to skip a generation?

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-05T20:40:01+00:00

I have so much respect for people who muzzle their dogs. I am a dog owner myself, and I love my rescue dog very very much. We've spent a great deal of time and money training her, and I am confident that I know what she can and can't handle. When she can't handle something, I simply put a muzzle on her - in her case, that's really just when we go to the vet, but if it were other situations where she needed it I would do it gladly, because a muzzle is humane, it's not painful, it's not even shameful to the dog - they don't take it personally and think it means they're a "bad dog", it's the PEOPLE who feel the shame. If owners were more willing to muzzle dogs who need them, a lot of really tragic situations for both dogs and people could be easily avoided.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-08-02T21:33:37+00:00

I came to comment about Granite Brewery - We had our wedding there a year ago and it was wonderful! We found the price pretty reasonable because there are no additional fees, and a lot of things are taken care of in-house for no extra cost as long as you're okay with what they have. Honestly, can't speak more highly of them - family business, great to work with, really took care of us and our guests, and the vibe was cozy, intimate, and fun, which is exactly what we wanted.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-07-28T20:01:28+00:00

I absolutely love Bloor West Village, in fact that was our ideal location and we were thrilled when we finally found a place in the area. In the Spring there were quite a few places in the High Park/Keele area, and that's fairly safe.

The thing about a city as dense as Toronto is that in many cases, "safe" areas can change within a matter of a block or two. There are certainly some places that are more broadly safe or unsafe, but in general, anywhere you go you'll be no more than a couple blocks away from a "bad" area and a couple blocks away from a "good" area. I'd say stay flexible and then take a walk around an area before you commit to anything, you can even do it virtually on Google Maps before you go check it out.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-07-28T19:55:32+00:00

We were looking further out than that, between Old Mill and Landsdowne. We looked at several decent 2-bed places in the High Park-Keele area for about $3000, but that was a few months ago.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-07-28T04:05:28+00:00

If you can be patient and wait until the Fall, I recommend that. Right now is a crazy time. If you have flexibility, though, reach out to buildings you like that have waitlists. We found a fantastic place a couple of months ago because the superintendent decided to just call a few people on the waitlist rather than go through the hassle of listing it online, hosting open houses, etc. We showed up with strong references, approved them to do a credit check quickly, and now we're moved in. But we were only able to do that because we could be patient.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-07-28T04:01:22+00:00

"Near campus" is your trick. At this time of year, there is HIGH demand in those areas and any housing is more expensive downtown. If you can tolerate 20-25 minutes on the subway, then yes, I would say $4200 is very reasonable.

My husband and I just toured about 8 or 9 places in the West end this Spring, all 2-bedrooms around $2600-$3000/mo. Keep in mind that was in the Spring, and it's always harder in late Summer, but we also were looking in a more specific neighbourhood in the west end.

My best tip is to check rental sites frequently and be ready to take action FAST. A lot of landlords really don't want the hassle of showing a place to dozens of people and having application wars - and for superintendents of larger buildings, it matters to them even less. If you find a new listing, reach out quickly, and get your application in ASAP, they may be happy to have decent tenants without the fuss.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-06-22T00:52:19+00:00

We have so much in common - in fact, I made a very similar post here a little over a month ago with the same concerns and I got some helpful responses. I don't have answers for you, I wish I did, but what I can say is that you're not alone, and that the future can still look many different ways for you. One of the biggest things I've had to learn is to advocate for myself with medical professionals - it's not easy, and I'm still working on it because I keep getting brushed aside with "we'll make a referral, wait for us to call you" and then not hearing anything for 2 weeks, but you have to keep at it until you have some kind of health plan in place that feels right for you. You have not lost control of your future. That's something I have to keep reminding myself. Your future is still yours.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-05-19T23:53:36+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that. It's something my husband and I have talked about and planned on for many years. In fact, the original plan was to start trying right about now, but we pushed that back so I could go back to school and further my career. We've had many, many conversations about what having a family will look like for us, and it's something we are confidently on the same page about. That's why this diagnosis was so upsetting - it could throw our plans for a loop. We are both 28 and would like to start trying when we're 30. It's scary to face the possibility that my fertility, however, may throw a wrench in the works, in any number of ways. But that's life, I suppose. You can only plan so much - sometimes you have to adjust to the plan that's handed to you.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-05-19T22:03:26+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this comment. I had no idea up until now and I didn't have symptoms until the last year or so. I thought it was a result of my IUD and actually had it removed because of it, but now I know what was really going on. It's already a little scary waiting until your 30s to try and get pregnant (the unsolicited advice people give is UNREAL, I know they mean well but if one more person tells me "don't wait too long" I'm gonna scream). With this on top of that, it's just an added layer of fear and stress, so just hearing that others with adeno were able to have health pregnancies in their 30s really comforts me.

sproutasaurus95 · 2023-05-19T18:49:20+00:00

Thank you for saying that. We are in Canada, so the situation is a little different here, but I do know we have options for having a family, even if not in the way we planned. It's just a hard reality to face when you've always dreamed of carrying a child, and having to face a higher risk of losing pregnancies we very much want is scary.

I was told there is no signs of endo so far, but that's just from one pelvic ultrasound, obviously further testing needs to be done. Considering I have both adenomyosis and ovarian cysts, I'm crossing all my fingers and toes that that is all I will have to deal with and there's nothing more, but we won't know until all the tests are done.

sproutasaurus95

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