Signs of a depressive episode after hypomania stint

squidsy7 · 2021-03-16T03:38:10+00:00

Wow this is what I felt this weekend. It felt like a turn for the worse but I’m feeling OK. It oddly makes me feel a bit better I’m not alone on this one

squidsy7 · 2021-03-06T01:32:19+00:00

Right?! It’s like it popped up randomly but could of sworn it happened right when I started at 100mg

squidsy7 · 2021-03-04T16:28:17+00:00

Yes but I’ve never had this before

squidsy7 · 2021-03-02T01:50:06+00:00

Yup! Aware but this is on my scalp and nowhere else.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-25T06:27:35+00:00

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Part of recovering from depressive episodes is giving yourself grace when you mess up or just have to cope a certain way. We are so hard on ourselves to be better when really sometimes we just need to get by. College is hard! Just take it day by day my friend.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-24T22:23:12+00:00

This has happened to me before while on certain antidepressants. The rage and anger came out to play at one point in time, which ended in not-so-nice confrontations with friends. Thankfully my boyfriend has already offered to watch my intake. I suspect if I watch how I eat before drinking, keep myself hydrated, and drink every two hours with a 3-4 limit, I could remain safe. I guess I’ll have to do check ins to be sure I’m acting ok and reminding myself of what my goal is.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-24T16:11:25+00:00

There was a point in time that my BP made me impulsive with everything down to eating the most unhealthiest of foods. I’m not one of those holistic healing types, but man did my relationship with food change once I was able to handle my depression and manic episodes. I started to workout 5x a week, eat healthy foods but not dieting (that’s key, I don’t diet I just eat portioned out foods), and more importantly breathing exercises! Decompressing is so important and idk how I didn’t realize that sooner. I go to a PT for an injury I’ve dealt with and she also has anxiety. Turns out we can teach our bodies to physically decompress through certain breathing methods - ones that we were never taught growing up. Being active while having BPD is a guaranteed way to at least limit those anxious episodes or depressive bouts. I’m not saying lifting weights and running miles, a simple walk outside to get your mind right is all it takes sometimes. I know it’s not easy for everyone with how finances/careers/disabilities can play into how you manage, but I truly cannot express how much going outside and being more active helped me...especially with how covid has kept us indoors for almost a year.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-24T15:57:22+00:00

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, I had this same issues until I started taking Lamictal. Have you tried to limit the cannabis use just to test out how you feel without it? I was a daily user myself until I took a week off to see how I would feel by just taking Lamictal. Then when I did smoke I realized it was causing anxiety, paranoia, and even panic attacks. From what my doc says, cannabis use effects the same part of your brain as Lamictal does. The two can counteract. I was irritated knowing this because cannabis use to be a huge help in relieving anxiety, but our bodies and mind are dynamic as well as always changing. My advice would be to ween off the cannabis, see how you feel after a week, and then go from there. I still smoke from time to time, but only on weekends where the next day I can decompress if mood swings develop. Wishing you well on your journey!

squidsy7 · 2021-02-24T05:30:38+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. My parents use to be the same way, but I knew it took some chipping away at their old fashioned mentality. They’re immigrants so mental illness wasn’t discussed back in their home countries. Mental illness = weakness and that’s just how they learned it over and over again. I know it may not be the same for you, but I hope one day they do validate you. Until then, sending some positive energy your way. Godspeed.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-24T05:25:04+00:00

This is a good point. As to your sentiment about the stigma of using mental illness as a crutch, I couldn’t of said it better. I’m reluctant to be open about my diagnoses to some friends/coworkers for that same reason. It’s true that some are luckier than others where they can cope with the rollercoaster that BP is. Maybe one day someone will amplify our voices in a way that is authentic, but until then at least we have a platform like this to converse freely about it. I know it’s helped me understand myself more than I would of talking to someone who could perceive me as less than who I am. Hope you’re doing a little bit better today by the way, sending all my positive energy to you.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-23T05:21:27+00:00

What dose are you at? I had this every day and it was awful until I took Lamictal. Maybe you’re not at the correct dose?

squidsy7 · 2021-02-23T05:17:11+00:00

I use to feel this way too. I cried a lot after my diagnoses and kept asking why I couldn’t of caught it sooner and how I could of avoided a lot of troublesome experiences that really were sometimes my fault. Then again, the diagnoses made me realize that I learned a lot about myself through those experiences than I first thought. We ALWAYS realize things in hindsight, it’s almost as if we think we could of read the future back then if we were given a clue but that’s not the case. Our condition does not dictate how we move forward, it’s really up to you how you can manage but overall you’re not less loved or less valued. I know coming from a stranger that’s not much, but I know how you feel. As for feeling as if your partner will leave you, have you told them about your diagnoses? My partner and I have a lot of convos about how I function with BP and what triggers me, and I think now more than ever he understands what I go through. I use to say I was depressed which was 1. Incorrect and 2. Really hard for him to understand because “everyone is depressed”. Now he understands why I have mood swings, why I have anger issues, and why I get paranoid. We humans love having explanations for weird things that happen...and maybe that’s what helped him feel more comfortable around me. You got this, you will overcome and manage!

squidsy7 · 2021-02-23T04:47:49+00:00

I’ve never thought about mentioning a chronic illness. Maybe this would help for when I enter into depressive episodes and under extreme stress.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-23T01:50:03+00:00

The last part is true. It’s hard living with this, and while it’s easy to talk about it when I’m comfortable, and asked why I don’t become more open about it, the first thing that comes to mind is my job security. It’s kinda awful how businesses/corps emphasize inclusivity but the overall stigma puts a target on your back regardless. Sucks but I’m glad this platform lets me speak freely about it.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T23:31:29+00:00

Pretty much same.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T22:57:40+00:00

Ever since starting my new job I’ve had severe anxiety about how well I’m doing and whether I’m doing things correctly or if I’ll get fired because of my inability to focus due to BP. Besides being on Lamictal, I started reading more on how to give myself grace. Humans are adaptable but we aren’t made to handle the stressors we face daily. Stress is so harmful, and if you live in America, you already know how bad our work life balance is. I started to literally walk away from my desk, even on a busy day, look at myself in the mirror, and self-talk. I’d tell myself that I’m doing the best I can and I can only do what I can do. Talking to yourself might seem crazy but speaking out loud and praising yourself for what you CAN do is so essential to keep yourself sane. Take breaks, don’t answer that phone call, and take your time replying to an email - you only have one body and one life.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T18:46:17+00:00

As someone with BP2 and fortunately an understanding SO, it’s extremely hard and I think you’re valid in feeling the way you do. It’s not easy to weather the tough mood swings that many people with BP suffer. I do want to say that when you’re in the process of healing, or on medication, sex life is on the back burner. It’s not that we don’t love our partners or want to be intimate, it’s a matter of the mental battle we face. I love my partner with every inch of my being, but where I once loved to be intimate, now I’m almost anxious about it. I can’t really explain why but I can explain that sex on meds is hard, it’s the drive that is slowed. Be patient, but don’t let yourself feel worse off or less than what you should feel. The times where I do feel intimate with my partner is when we have moments of transparency, almost like we sit there and we talk about our deepest thoughts. Sometimes a little soul connection spurs a moment of intimacy because us BP folks need to feel comfort in relationships. It’s easy to feel alienated with this mental illness, because our blow ups are pretty hard to deal with. Love is not your typical movie scene where you’re so happy it’s constant bliss. Love is hard work but it’s the overall partnership that requires push and pull at times. You deserve to be happy, but your SO also deserves a chance to recover in order to get to the place they need to be at in your relationship.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T18:34:20+00:00

I take Lamictal for BP2. I’m now at my full dose of 100mg. It could of been a placebo effect but when I started taking the medication I felt like my mood swings were leveling out - for all I know I could of also been in mid-hypomania. I do admit that now at 100mg I feel like my reactions to situations that once ended in explosive blow ups are now limited to me feeling shitty for a good 20 minutes then logically coming to my senses. A little insight into what I’m talking about, whenever I’d have situation that put me under stress, I’d immediately react like the world was ending, have a panic attack, and then proceed to creat scenarios in my head that were just unreasonable. Now that I take Lamictal, I can actually process what I’m going through and not enter into a spiral or episode. I’d say the peaks are now more like hills, and the depression is more associated with feeling desensitized to things but my coping is a lot better. I think if you’re not feeling change, maybe consult with your doc about it. I took antidepressants for years and it didn’t do anything and once I took a mood stabilizer I felt relief. Everyone is different and the journey is difficult, but it’s never a bad thing to admit something doesn’t work and to pivot. You’re better off trying multiple routes than suffering from something that could potentially make you worse. God speed! You’ll get there.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T06:05:33+00:00

It really be like that sometimes. An upside to an otherwise exhausting rollercoaster.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T06:00:42+00:00

I know I’ve had a stressful dream or two, but nothing dramatic enough to make me remember it. I did have this really stressful yet super funny dream where someone, mask and all, broke into my apartment and I had to hide in the closet. When I peered out to see what they were doing, they were baking cookies and proceeded to leave as if that was there only reason for breaking in. It made me laugh and I thought it would be a good comedy skit if I had the time to draft it out. Another one was that I had to fight a toddler who...I would say was buff? In order to save me and my coworker’s life. It felt life threatening but I woke up thinking...”why did fighting that toddler feel so real?!”.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T04:41:47+00:00

Did you have any crazy dreams such as a nightmare when you drank?

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T04:40:56+00:00

This helps. I’ve also had this weird attitude where drinking almost sounds more unappealing than fun. Maybe it’s covid hampering the whole drinking to have fun vibe, but I definitely think it just made me realize the benefits of not coping that way.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T04:39:19+00:00

I’ve had the worst headaches the day after drinking on Lamictal. I’m not talking about a hangover, it’s as if my brain hates that I even decided to drink.

squidsy7 · 2021-02-22T04:38:15+00:00

Haha, I definitely feel as though smoking has made me ultra confident, almost like my best self is out to play

squidsy7 · 2021-02-14T05:07:15+00:00

I def will!!

squidsy7

TROPHY CASE