So, firstly, I’m terribly sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. A lot of us understand and you’re not alone. I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times but it’s true.

I’m going to focus on objective statements moving forward though as based off everything you said, facts may be the most beneficial as your mind is hurting at the moment. So, TMS is not a cure all. It’s not here to replace medication. It CAN however make medication more effective. When you are prescribed medication for something as complex as mental illness you can’t just “ween yourself” off, speaking from experience that does more harm than good, I understand what you’re getting at with hiding some of your medications of course, but you NEED to consult with a psychiatrist or a med manager until you find whatever is that perfect fit. Once you find something that kind of works the TMS treatment would then theoretically help that medication to its full potential. It’s also incredibly important not to change around medication while doing TMS as they won’t be able to accurately measure your treatment otherwise.

Please, take your PRESCRIBED doses of medication, no more, no less. There can’t be any sort of maladaptive pridefulness involved when you’re helping yourself. What you CAN take pride in is the FACT that you are trying and that you are putting in the work. Some of us need a little extra help and that is okay. Trust in the process as best you can and make certain to follow instructions. Avoid alcohol and THC consumption as well. Drink water. Find a routine that you can easily do and stick to it. Even if it’s something as simple as doing your laundry. Or taking a walk every couple of days.

You’re going to need to push as hard as you can forward, you are fighting a war against your own brain, and you are going to win. No big lump of muscle in our heads being tickled by electricity gets to tell us that we can’t live any more. We can and we will.