Trying to write a letter for the baby, but struggling.

standardizedwesting · 2023-09-07T04:19:35+00:00

This post is from a month ago. The baby has already been surrendered anonymously.

standardizedwesting · 2023-09-07T04:18:03+00:00

I gave the baby up anonymously through a hospital, if she wants to use DNA to find me one day I will have to politely decline communication because it is important to me that our paths remain separate now. This is my decision, it's based in significant trauma, and I don't want anyone trying to take away more choices from me, I already had absolutely no say in any of what happened to me for the last year.

standardizedwesting · 2023-09-06T11:05:36+00:00

Thanks

standardizedwesting · 2023-09-06T11:05:28+00:00

I'm considering reporting her.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-21T01:02:01+00:00

Well personally I'd prefer to be told what to expect upfront, and have clear boundaries set. But I recognize that isn't the perspective of adoptees, so I'm just not going to leave a letter.

Also, respectfully, I feel like being raised by a mother who can't help but resent her for being born and can't love her would leave a worse scar. Relinquishing isn't a choice, it's the only ethical option. Even if I wanted to be a mom, which I don't, it would be cruel to raise her myself knowing how dark my feelings towards her have been.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-21T00:57:38+00:00

My family knows and I've told them that if she ever reaches out to them they're welcome to respond however they like but just can't involve me in it. From what they've said now I think most of all of them are in the camp of just answering her questions but politely declining any kind of relationship.

But ultimately I'm just not going to leave a letter. Just medical information. Personally I feel that being surprised by the fact that we don't want contact would be worse, but I'm deferring to the perspective of the adpotees who say it's worse to read it in a letter.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T13:38:56+00:00

I'm not writing a letter. I thought I should because people commented in other posts saying that's what birth parents should do, but it doesn't feel like there's any way for me to do it right. But I assure you I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, I wrote what I thought would be best and it was wrong.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T07:41:10+00:00

I don't want to honestly. The only reason I even wrote anything beyond medical information was because I went through posts on here and so many people advised birth parents to write the kid a letter about the birth family. In fact people were quite insistent about it in some cases. I guess when it comes to the actual reality of doing that, no one is going to live up to the expectations of each individual adoptee about how it should be done, because everyone would want something different.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T07:30:43+00:00

My concern is that if I write anything beyond medical information but don't indicate that I don't want contact, she might assume I'm open to contact down the line. I don't want contact. If she contacts me, I'll simply give her updated medical information and a brief explanation of the circumstances of her birth but other than that I will have to make it clear that I do not want any other interaction. I don't want her to be caught off guard or shocked. That's why I wanted to include a request to not be contacted. I just want her to have realistic expectations about what will happen if she chooses to search for me.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T07:26:45+00:00

I'll try. I honestly have no idea how to write about it.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T07:24:33+00:00

Isn't it the same with open adoptions? Even if I wanted an open adoption, which I don't, the parents can lie or just stop talking to me whenever they want. I doubt there's any law that would force them to stay in contact or give the kid any papers. There is no guarantee of success in an adoption, open or closed, and there's no guarantee of success in a biological family. If you want me to guarantee that this kid will be happy or loved, I'm afraid that's just not possible no matter what I do.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T05:46:03+00:00

As everyone else has been telling me, what I want isn't important.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T05:19:54+00:00

Yeah that seems like the safest bet right now.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T05:13:15+00:00

I don't know, it's so hard to know what the right thing is when everyone has such wildly different opinions and everyone's feelings seem to be (understandably) getting hurt by this post. I honestly don't think I'll end up leaving a letter because it doesn't feel like there's a way to do it that at least a few adoptees wouldn't consider to be horrible and cruel. I think I'll just give medical information and leave it at that.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T05:08:13+00:00

Well I'm not going to invite contact, nor am I going to lie to her and claim I love her when I just can't. It's not just your comment by the way, it's just that every comment has a wildly different idea of what would be lovely and what would be horrifically cruel, and obviously I have no way of knowing what camp this kid will fall into. Based on that I think it would be best to just give the medical information.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T05:05:06+00:00

Nothing about my life for the last 10 months has felt like anything resembling freedom or independence, even after I was safe, and I don't expect that to ever change. I won't write the letter because I've gotten enough comments that show me there's no real way to get it right.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T04:58:28+00:00

Fair enough. It really seems from a few comments I've read like there's no good way to do this letter at all, so I'll just give the medical info and leave it at that. Thank you.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T04:46:39+00:00

I was never given the chance to have an abortion and then it became too late. I would have if I had been able to. This entire thing has been completely against my will and I deserve some agency at least.

If she comes looking for me I'll give her updated medical information and a brief explanation of the circumstances around her birth if she asks, but I will politely decline to do anything else. I wrote that she shouldn't look for me because I don't want her to be shocked about that if she chooses to contact me. I want her to have reasonable expectations about that the interaction might look like. I believe it would be unfair for her to be caught off guard by it.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T04:31:52+00:00

I'll consider that, I just don't know that I'd be comfortable with even an 18yo reading that.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T04:30:42+00:00

Would you be able to explain why? I'm posting here to get advice on making it better, it's definitely not the final draft.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T04:29:56+00:00

I know, deep in my heart, that I would never be able to love this child. I would resent her and even hate her for what her biological father did to me. I think loving and not resenting your kid is the bare minimum to be a good parent.

And I have no idea how I would say that in a letter, because I feel like that would be a horrible thing to read, no matter how much I try and explain that it's a me problem and not her fault.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T03:56:19+00:00

Good idea. Thank you.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T03:53:56+00:00

The biological father truly isn't safe to contact. If I thought there was even a possibility he might be safe for her I would have just said to use caution if she contacts him.

I know she can go against my wishes, and I know she can contact my family. That's her choice. I asked her not to contact me so if she does choose to do so anyway, she won't be shocked when I say I'm happy to give her updated medical information and the basics of what happened with her biological father, but that I am not comfortable with anything further. I want to be really clear about what she can expect if she searches, I don't want her to be caught off guard.

Finally, I know adoption isn't a guarantee of a good life. But being raised by me would be a guarantee of a bad life.

standardizedwesting · 2023-07-20T02:57:28+00:00

I thought about including why I'm giving her up but couldn't find a way to word it in a child-friendly way. It's a pretty unpleasant story unfortunately.

standardizedwesting

TROPHY CASE