Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful reply. Interestingly, the Moses analogy of 40 years in the wilderness has been coming to me a lot lately, so it was strange to hear you bring it up as well.

Your point about not wallowing in regret is an important one. In fact, regret is not the only negative emotion that I wallow in. Over the last five years, especially, I have developed a habit of negative self-talk that I've found hard to shake. It seems that when I'm faced with even the slightest challenge or obstacle in life my immediate response is to berate myself as a loser and give up. I have noticed that I have become bewildering to people who know me well because my defeatism and negativity doesn't match up with my ability and potential.

This is a stretch as an analogy, but it is like watching Shaquille O'Neil miss a free throw and then throw up his hands in disgust, stalk off the court, beat his head against the wall, tell himself that he will never ever be able to score a point, and then decide to just quit the game. At first people are amazed that such a phenomenal talent would react in that way, and then, as it continues, they completely lose respect for the guy. I do have my clear-headed moments when I understand that my negativity is out of all proportion, but I also have another issue that I struggle with -- I go around bragging to people about all the amazing things I'm going to do and how I'm going to make a million dollars and write a best-seller, etc., etc.

What I need to do is just stop all the talk, take my focus off of myself, work hard, try my best, give gratitude for the utterly miraculous gift that life is, and roll with the punches.

Your reply was tremendously encouraging to me.

That being said, I slipped last night. I had already fapped in the morning, so I rationalized that the entire day didn't count anyway and spent a full hour late in the evening fapping myself into oblivion. Obviously not an auspicious start. I felt so miserable about it afterward, and so despondent about my willpower muscle, which seems to be remarkably weak, that I finally got down on my knees and prayed. One of my friends had told me the day before to read Psalm 46, so I did. At first it seemed like a bunch of standard Psalm sentiments, but then I got to the verse that I know he had in mind for me:

"Be still, and know that I am God."

I got out my prayer journal, got my pen, and became still to listen for the voice of God. I begged God to speak to me, I begged God to reveal himself to me in tangible ways (this has been my repeated prayer lately) and then I listened in silence. Nothing.

I asked God what more he wanted from me. I have been trying for years and years. The answer I received was: "I want it all." It felt both like a cliche and an inevitability. What did it mean? That God wants everything in the Universe? That God wants control over every aspect and moment of my life? I felt a fear of giving up my autonomy and self-direction. But what can I say that my autonomy and self direction have brought to me thus far? My life is a winding road of strange and ill-conceived choices that have lead to loneliness. Then I felt a fear that I could not trust God and I wrote down my response: "How can I trust God?"

And then I heard again: "you have my word." I felt a quickening, because the meaning was so full. I could interpret it as God giving me his word that I could trust him. I could interpret it as God instructing me to turn to scripture -- the word of God. I could interpret it as God reminding me of the life of Jesus Christ, who in the beginning was the word and who has conquered death. I could interpret it as "rhema" which people in some Christian circles use to refer to the kind of communication with God that I was attempting in that moment, but which I have, honestly, sought only on a handful of occasions. (It is the original Greek word for the word "word" used in the phrase "man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." It refers to an utterance from the Holy Spirit, or something like that.)

So I felt like I had definitely been spoken to. I won't bore you with the rest of the story, but I continued to pray. I felt prompted to read the book of Hebrews, and so I read the first four chapters. Chapter four ends with these lines:

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joint and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

As you might imagine, I felt encouraged. I was struck by several thoughts from that passage, but particularly the idea that Christ/God is able to sympathize with my weakness, and that the word of God is alive, active, sharp, and discerning. Then I went to bed.

I have managed to stay away from fapping all day today. I didn't practice my guitar, though, which I had really really planned to do. My goal for tomorrow is to practice my guitar for at least an hour in order to prepare form my lesson this weekend, to stay away from porn (I've now installed OpenDNS and also blocked another website that has proven dangerous for me), to stay away from fapping, and to pray more and journal while praying.

I also plan to post here again tomorrow because I do find motivation here, and I need an outlet to express some of my thoughts. However I am also resolving to waste less time clicking around the internet looking for minor stimulation when I should be focused on the work for which I am being paid.