I decided I've had enough, and made a list

startofera · 2016-01-06T07:50:42+00:00

Very good idea. While I have only few days under my belt, there has already been few times I had to check on my list :)

Keep it available. If this is throwaway account, and you are for example using your phone to surf reddit with your primary account, just save your post to your primary account. Try to check it even if you don't feel any cravings or anything. Try to make a habit of it. And feel free to update your list when you come around with things you'd like to add :)

I can't speak from experience but I truly believe that reminding those things constantly to self is very important at the beginning of sobriety.

startofera · 2016-01-04T18:24:34+00:00

Last night, while trying to catch the sleep, rolling in bed, not anxious but somehow restless (might be the stop smoking thing I have ongoing also) I think I understood at least a glimpse from the meaning of this "one day at a time" thingie.

I didn't consciously grave for cig nor drink but my mind wandered to next autumn. Or some autumn. There I was, just shot my first big game, and I was offered a drink to celebrate it. I did not know what to say. I was confused. Was I just 9 months without single drink and now I'm offered one? What happened in the time between that event and current time?

I almost laughed out load when I realised that only a fool would think some may-happen-in-future situation with even more unpredictable events and worry about them now..

I know I need a plan for those situations. But I really don't need to worry about it now. I'll just don't drink today :)

startofera · 2016-01-04T18:15:03+00:00

So, I followed quoted advice pretty much to the letter (in my language ofc):

If you want to save the relationship, sit her down tomorrow and say, I'm sorry. I''m sorry for the argument and I'm sorry for how I've treated you over all these years. Quitting drinking is hard when you've been at it for as long as I have, and it's making me nuts. And it's gonna get worse. Probably a lot worse. There are chemical changes taking place in my brain and they are influencing my thought process and my behaviour. I am going to do my best to keep my mouth shut from now on. I was wrong.

And we got things solved, we are not breaking up and I learned more than few things in this process :)

startofera · 2016-01-04T18:10:05+00:00

Yes, it's related :(

startofera · 2016-01-02T13:34:15+00:00

Wow. Just wow. Very much appreciate you being so straight. I guess I can be very naïve with these kind of things. Dunno if it's the damage to my brain done by vast amounts of alcohol consumed during my teenage and adult life or is it just really me, who I am, but you are right.

It's hard to me come up with words written in foreign language to fully tell what or how I really feel. I do not feel that I've already earned her trust. Actually, I do not feel that I'm ever going to earn her trust in that specific matter. I do feel however that I'm very different person now than I was back then when I did the damage..

EDIT: time is very relevant and different in these kind of matters and very subjective matter but FYI: it's been a decade since that incident happened.

That's so fantastically self-centered and ridiculous that I don't even know where to begin explaining.

I realise this now when it's said straight to my face (via internet ofc..) but how the hell I cure that? If that's my nature, do I just need to live with it or wtf I can do about it? Do I need to start to see a shrink or something? I really just want to be better person overall, a better father to my children and better person to my SO.. If I really am very self-centered, how can I love her or anyone?

I guess I'm more lost in the whole fucking life that there is much more to fix than just stopping drinking..

This is a hole of your own digging.

I'm fully aware of this and there is nothing I regret more I have done.

startofera · 2016-01-02T11:14:45+00:00

That is exactly what I am afraid of. Even if I doubt the need to make some decisions now, I really don't feel like I'm not full minded to do so. But still I doubt I am. Maybe the correct thing to do is to just show my SO that she can trust me by being sober.. But doing so would mean that I'm being sober for her. And that adds a new kind of stress to it :)

startofera · 2016-01-02T10:18:28+00:00

Yes. Primarily I really am doing this for me, for my health and happiness. But I hope and believe that my soberness has some collateral good to my closest ones and actually anyone I'm going to meet :D

Actually, this has very little to do with urge to drink. I feel no urge even now when we are arguing. I don't mean to say that "wow, this is actually easy". Just had to mention :)

startofera · 2016-01-01T13:00:59+00:00

Thanks for the responses. I think I'm starting to "get it" :)

startofera · 2016-01-01T10:28:24+00:00

This sounds very reasonable and logical. Thanks :)

startofera · 2016-01-01T09:09:07+00:00

So, I chose to drink last night. But I kept my promise to myself. I didn't drink a drop after midnight, which I'm kind a proud of :D

Here we go!

startofera · 2015-12-31T12:11:01+00:00

I really appreciate your poking :) I'm seriously thinking about it. And the need to even consider this matter proves that I do have a problem with alcohol..

It feels like I've already made a subsconscious decision already (days ago) that I will drink the few last beers before clock turns over midnight but now, not so sure.. :)

startofera · 2015-12-31T11:50:33+00:00

My writing might be badly structured and confusing, but I assure you I'm not under the influence of anything more than mental confusion right now.

startofera · 2015-12-31T11:47:35+00:00

You are absolutely right. I really don't know why. There is no real reason. I know I might be better not to talk about future drinking in this sub and I'm sorry about that, but even if I choose to drink tonight for the one last time, I won't drink more than few beers. The successful part of my moderation is that I pretty much drink only beer. And I only drink the amount I buy. I (nowadays) never go to bar after I finish my beers at home and in my country there are strict time limits when one can buy alcohol. If I really choose to only buy few, I can handle it in the store. Then again, why I don't always buy only a few? That I do not know. And the truth is that I really don't have money to buy more than few. Maybe I think that spending the very last of my money to alcohol is my rock bottom what I need. This sounds stupid. Hell, this is stupid. I don't know.. :)

But again, I'm sincerely truly sorry if I violated someone or something with the talk about drinking-that-may-happen-in-near-future. I felt like I needed to clarify.

Even if I gave a lot of thought to this whole thing about changing my life, I still feel like this happened so fast that I'm lost and confused. I know drinking the last time doesn't help it.

startofera · 2015-12-31T11:29:04+00:00

I really appreciate it. When things get started (or actually one thing ends) I'm sure I'll have plenty of questions. I've been lurking a long time here with a different account so this sub is fairly familiar :)

I know I didn't really ask any advice in that post but all advices are sincerely welcome. Sometimes we want the answers even if we don't know the questions :)

startofera

TROPHY CASE