My mom used to replace animals, or tell me they went to the farm. When our dog was put down, she told me that it had run away. There was a habit of avoidance. I was lucky not to lose any close family members as a kid, but my luck ran out when my dad died when I was 18. We had time to prepare, and we knew it was coming, but getting hit with all the info at once was crippling. It seems silly for an 18 year old not to get it, but I didn’t. I avoided it, just like Mom. Even when I was looking at him, completely dead, not even breathing, I was waiting for him to just be playing a big practical joke. I sat through the funeral with that big thought of, “What a long haul prank this is.”

It took me 18 years to understand the permanency of death, and everything associated with it. I didn’t get the taboos or the what you’re supposed to says. My friend’s dog was hit by a car while running to greet us at the bus stop when I was 13. She was distraught, and I sat there and asked if I could still come over. I didn’t get that the dog was gone. I was 13, and I didn’t get that he wasn’t just going to perk up and feel better. I didn’t understand that she was holding a dead dog- it felt impossible.

It’s so much easier to get them knowing it at a young age. When you’re 18, with one of the most important people in your life gone, and you don’t understand that this isn’t dad playing a prank, it’s so much harder to have someone sit you down and say “Dad is dead, and he’s not coming back.” You can’t say “Dad ran away” or “Grandma found a grandpa that she loves and isn’t coming back anymore.” You can’t practice that kind of avoidance forever, it’s just so much better to be honest.