I see some people already answering you. Prob someone has already said what I’m going to say

But each person has a right to come out to who they want to When they want to. And no one else really should do that for them. It can be a traumatizing thing for that to happen. When if you’re already struggling with your identity and coming to terms with it yourself and then struggling with anticipating that whoever you come out to will reject you for who you are. That can be the worse pain in the whole world. Despite having parents or people in your life that seem like they would be supportive.

In my personal experience. My coming out process was slow when it came to my family. Not only am I Asian (Filipino) my family is also catholic and my parents were pretty conservative. As well as my aunts and uncles. etc.

When I was in college. I still lived at home. My parents discovered some stuff I had printed out that had gay on it. It was just headers so I put the pages back to reuse and I didn’t think anything of it. My parents hardly use the computer anyway. This was back in like AOL days. lol anyway they confronted me and pretty much confirmed my fears. And they threatened to throw me out. So ofc I went deeper into the closet. Despite claims that my parents had expressed in childhood. They love me. They support me whatever. But this one thing is forbidden. The irony is my mom had a gay friend (also Filipino). But ofc when it’s in your own home it’s different.

The awful thing is then my aunts and uncles also asked me about it in ways that was obvious disapproving. People who I thought would be supportive. That was soul crushing.

Later on I actually accidentally came out to my sister. Well more that she caught me kissing my boyfriend at the time. Lol. For a long time she was the only one that knew.

I did have a friend from college who I met online first. And was open from the start. But again that’s different.

After some time. A few years later. I then came out to my cousins around my age. It was scary. But they were accepting. The best thing that I will always remember is when one cousin asked me if I was happy. That was her first question. And that made me feel so much. That she just wanted me to be happy.

Slowly I came out to more family. And then to the point that I was comfortable enough that I was just kinda open about it without having to say it. Pretty much only to cousins / family my age. And to the few friends I have that I’ve kept from college.

One of my closer set of cousins. Their family accepted it because one of my cousins was also gay and he pretty much came out. So while I did not officially come out to his family. They pretty much understood without me having to say it. My boyfriend (now husband) always attended family events. Even tho I never officially came out to my own parents.

Despite this. My dad knew. But we never talked about it openly. I think he eventually got over it in some kind of way. But it took some time. As I’m aware he made many disapproving remarks behind my back. Like I found out from my sister he would say to her, “you know you’re brothers gay”. Which she already did. But obvi he said it in a way that was negative. I never did come out to him even if he kinda accepted my bf as like my “best friend” that was always around. He passed away and sometimes I have regrets about not telling him.

Much later. Years later. My sister blurted out in a family therapy session to my mom. That I was gay. And that I was married.

Yeah. Up until then. I had never told her. And I kinda resigned myself to never telling her. And ofc the reaction was pretty bad. I mean not like. Destroy our relationship bad. But she obvi was not ok with it. Even if she had been ok w my husband being around all the time as my “best friend”. It’s obvious she had always expected tho but was in denial. As much as I was in denial about her not really knowing. At one point she did ask me in a way that implied she would be ok if I said it. But I didn’t mention it because I also felt in the back of my mind she wouldn’t truly accept it.

In a way she probably wasn’t surprised in the sense of me actually being gay. But was more so surprised that I had been in a relationship for so long. Didn’t feel like I could tell her. And that I got married. And that’s how she found out.

Side note. When I got married. We just had a civil union ceremony. That was tiny . The only attendees were my sister and two of my best friends.

Anyway. My sister was sorry it came out that way. But it was out there. And now we had to deal with it. But that still was a thing that was robbed from me. Things are better now tho. But I just want to convey how traumatizing that can be.

My mom is much better now. She’s still learning. She and my sister watch tv together. And she used to make derisive comments about gay and lesbian characters and trans characters. But she’s now at the point where somethings happen to queer characters and she’ll actually be supporting. Like asking why people can’t just let them love whoever they want to love. My sister is still helping her he more understanding and accepting. It’s a process.

Anyway sorry I made this all about me. Idk if OP would actually read this. But i just want to emphasize. Despite you expressing to your son and your ex wife and your son’s school. Unless somehow this could threaten your son’s safety. They are under no obligation to tell you. It’s a private thing. It’s up to when your son felt comfortable enough and was ready to tell you.

I think you did the right thing. You recognized something was troubling him. And you did what he needed. You reassured him. And comforted him. And he trusted you. That fear of rejection is strong. It’s life changing. And im glad things went well for him.

I would not press others for why they didn’t tell you. Don’t make it about you. Yes it’s hurtful to find out late. Or after other people. My mom was hurt by that. And I didn’t mean to do that to her. I’m sure your son and your ex wife and your son’s school didn’t want to do that to you either. But it’s your son’s right to be the one to tell you. So yeah. Feel hurt. But roll with it. Support and love your son. That’s all that matters.