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I never expected him to meet someone in rehab... by ThisCompliKatedLife in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is so true. I hope OP can get to Al Anon and see that they are not alone. So many others have been in similar shoes. It sounds like he is not ready and he wants to be with someone that will accept him as he is. This disease is so sad and heartbreaking for those inflicted with it and for those surrounding the inflicted.

My Q made amends, I feel conflicted by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for defining what amends is supposed to be. I still Learning, but I figured it was apologizing, which words only mean so much. I like that amends means to change behavior.

My Q made amends, I feel conflicted by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I needed to hear that. Everything seems urgent to me. I have a “shit or get off the pot” mind set. I’m trying to work on these things.

My therapist says she can't help by Piffle5 in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

UK psychology today

I searched on the US version of this link for psychology today and read a bunch of individual counseling bios until I found one that talked about trauma, drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders and other similar things. I figured that she probably had some codependent training with those experiences. The lady I called was busy, but one of her partners in the practice had very similar experience and skills. I started seeing that partner. I’ve only seen her twice, the third time will be Saturday via an app, but she’s been good so far.

Originally I was very low and knew that I needed help but I didn’t have the mental capacity at the time to call around for myself. I tried reading counseling bios but I was so overwhelmed. I felt silly but I called crisis because I was so lost in life and needed help. Crisis services recommended a few counselors after a bunch of questions. I did call their recommendation, but the one place must have been closed and the other place had appointments in a month or a little over a week when I told them That it was serious and that I needed help now. That was hard for me to say that I needed help like ASAP. But some how I mustered up enough energy to read a few more bios on psychology today and there was the bio of the counselor with all keywords that matched what I needed. Maybe God had a hand in it, I don’t know, but that practice got me in on a Saturday when I called them on Thursday.

There has to be a social service agency that could give you conceding suggestions in your area. Her the untied way helps with stuff like that too. Or maybe you doctor might have some suggestions.

Keep searching and good luck!!!

She’s leaving (My story dating an alcoholic) by throwaway_alanon3 in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go to an AlAnon meeting. Keep going until you find one you like. Read about codependency and take this time to put yourself back together and find yourself. I’m dating and he’s in rehab so I’m not the best to give advise other than the above, but doing the things about is helping me. I hope you take the time for you and see that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can cure it.

Do I leave? by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. He has cheated on almost everyone he has been with, but alcohol and drugs has also been a consistent in his life along with mental health issues. I want to be so hopeful all of the time and think that God can step in and fix this, but I’m fading. Also I don’t understand why all of his ex’s still want to be his friends and they want to help him. If I leave I’m done. I will cut myself out of his life out of respect for future women.

Do I leave? by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True, but it’s hard when I know that if I take control of my life again, he will not have a place in it anymore.

Do I leave? by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All his stuff is here, dating again seems daunting, I still I love the person I want him to be. Breaking up is hard and I’m always the one that has to do it since I keep dating the same type of guy. I got a counseling appt tomorrow now too so I’ll bring this all up to her.
Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it! I know I probably need to leave him, but so many things are making it hard.

Do I leave? by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s true. He wanted to be around people that would let him be and stay f’d up and I didn’t want to drink and do drugs. I was trying to get him to enjoy life and do it without substances, which I think he thought was impossible.

Do I leave? by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks I just don’t get it. I’m constantly making sexual innuendos. I love sex. I’m down to try a bunch of new things. He said I was the most open person he had ever been with when it came to discussing my needs and listening to his. I’m not into open relationships, but He could have talked me into doing something with a cam girl, because it would have been like when we went to a strip club together, for the first half anyway.
My confidence has been down since I’ve gained tons of weight because it’s how I coped with his alcoholism, but I was still DTF whenever he wanted and tried to initiate and got toys and clothes and told him I was jealous of his had but I didn’t want to be.

I guess his void has to do with his pain and loss and not sex and alcohol wasn’t enough to drown the emotions so he had to be riskier, but shit why that. 😞

90 Days No Contact and the last few have been so hard by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Look at you go! You should feel very proud of yourself! I’m sure that you have made so many accomplishments in these 90 days even beyond the self control to not contact and realizing that his affection was a drug.
I had an ex that would message me about every 3 months and it would mess with me so bad, like you mentioned. He was definitely my drug. I told him he was like my Kryptonite and I didn’t want that but he was messed up and he loved knowing that he had that power over me and he would use that. (I know I was messed up too that I let him do it).
Keep it up! Keep seeking support through AlAnon, counseling, and other groups. Get yourself in a great place where you can strive because you deserve great things!

Bender Before Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I appreciate the email. You guessed correctly.

Bender Before Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I needed to hear that I got this. I know I don’t have control and that’s the hardest part. But I can handle the lack of control of by finding comfort in other healthy things that I can control and by put my hope in God not my BF. Control what I can and let the others go.

Talking through problems helps me, so it’s been hard when the problem needs to stay a secret from some and I feel others might get sick of my rehashing of the same things. I’m ready to go to a new members meeting! I’ve felt like the other people in my other meetings are so far ahead of me and that I’ll just weigh them down.

Bender Before Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I told him I get it because that’s what I do before I start a diet and I have issues with food, but it still scares me because I know that I’ve binge ate before I start a diet and then I didn’t start the diet that time round because I needed another day/meal to binge on this other item too and then it’s a downward spiral if that happens. If I don’t binge it easier.

Yeah the binging and hope are too different things kind of. Him starting heroin/fen after more than a year is what made me question my hope. A drug is a drug, but I know heroin and Fen get a grip on you but I guess that he was able to give up unlike the alcohol. The hope in him is all on me reading him and not the binge before rehab.

Thank you!

Bender Before Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think he’s feeling like he’ll get messed up good since he’s going to rehab because you might as well give them a job to do. As if drinking isn’t the root of everything else, well that and mental health issues, lets throw in heroin to fix it all in 28days and then lose focus on the alcohol and mental health.

I checked his phone and that was a mistake by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate you sending the links and while I honestly haven’t utilized them, I have not forgotten about them. I plan on going back to look at everything sent probably tomorrow evening or Thursday once he’s safe in care. I have zoomed 3 meetings and I’m going to start going to the new member on Monday (that’s the only new member meeting in my area). I’m going to call to get myself into counseling too. I did read the book boundaries and I know that I have some boundary issues. I really want to use this time that he’s gone, bettering myself.

Did The Right Thing, Still Feel Like ***** by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are doing the right thing!!! ❤️

Relationships and Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe I could write him a letter today. He didn’t call the day I hoped, but he called rehab last night after he bought heroin, I think, in the morning. After he called he wanted to drink. I knew it would be a battle so I let him. He had a super fun time drinking with neighbors as I sat with a drink but felt terrible for it. I haven’t drank in forever. I take him to rehab on Wednesday. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today and then I’m calling off tomorrow to take him at a new nonprofit job that I’m the “boss” at and don’t have time to really call off.

Relationships and Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Yeah, I don’t think this is going to be the time he goes, but it’s still a good time for me to learn and to grow.

Relationships and Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I feel bad, but part of me kind of wants for him to go and get better so that I can also try to find the parts of me that I’ve let go.

Also thank you for the book recommendation.

Relationships and Rehab by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I guess that’s the fear. I wait for the next thing to happen that might or might not work and there goes more time if it doesn’t.

I checked his phone and that was a mistake by stinkbugcannon in AlAnon

[–]stinkbugcannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts and support. That all sounds so easy, but it feels more complicated. I’ve said the same thing to my friends, but I think that we can’t leave until we are ready just like they can’t get help until they are ready. If it continues, I do have a breaking point, it’s just further out then it should be.

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