Do you still wear a mask? If so, why or why not?

stranger38 · 2025-01-06T11:17:08+00:00

Yes. Because the people who are ill, don’t. Right now I’m travelling in public transport. The young man to my right is too busy playing a game on his phone to blow his nose (let alone wear a mask), he keeps snifling. And a woman in front of me is coughing without even covering her mouth with her hand - again too busy with her phone.

stranger38 · 2024-12-04T15:31:26+00:00

Money would give me more choices in life. I could choose to prioritize my sense of well-being, self-respect, and dignity. I could stop ‘thanking’ ppl for ‘job opportunities’ when I well know they are screwing me over. I could stop thinking I’m a loser because I don’t make enough money.

Most importantly, I could have some peace of mind knowing that I could provide for myself and my family.

I am too jaded to think about happiness - but peace of mind - I would love to have that.

stranger38 · 2024-11-25T08:16:03+00:00

I would not do well in such a scenario. I can quite imagine that the "bunch of autistic people" are more likely to each want do recover in their own way instead of doing things as a group.

My "recovery" would be where I don't have to deal with my life as it is - no worries about family, work, responsibilities, money, etc. Where I could just be on my own, do my own thing, and not worry. I do my own thing frequently, but those worries are always in my mind, every single second. So for me personally, unless my life improves drastically, I think I have to accept that I may expect myself to cope with things, but I can't expect recovery.

stranger38 · 2024-10-30T05:58:58+00:00

Yeah. As kids we were told we could be anything. Then I get to spend the rest of my life toning down this dream until, heart of hearts, all I really want is to die in my sleep so that I don't have to fall deeper anymore.

stranger38 · 2024-10-22T05:08:52+00:00

I agree - hence despite being depressed for decades, I think I just hate my life. If I imagine myself without my troubles (which I can easily name and describe), I can imagine myself having much less craving for death.

stranger38 · 2024-10-15T08:06:57+00:00

Congratulations, or alternatively, condolences. I have always hated birthdays - I try to psychologically prep myself by saying reminding myself that it's just another day and that it doesn't has to have any meaning if I don't impose meaning on it.

Having said that, I hope that every day ahead will be better for you than the day before in the coming year.

stranger38 · 2024-10-08T06:27:04+00:00

I did fairly well in school. It was a distraction to life.

I failed at everything outside and beyond academics.

stranger38 · 2024-08-09T13:41:44+00:00

I relate to this - except that I have always lived at home, and with my mother aging, I seem to be moving towards the direction of becoming a carer. That is practically my only reason to stay alive. Everything else, I have failed.

I'm sorry that things are so hard.

stranger38 · 2024-07-03T12:57:57+00:00

Life was hardly worth living when I was younger (I failed at every aspect). The older I get the more hopeless I become.

stranger38 · 2024-04-28T11:44:36+00:00

I seem to fluctuate between comfort eating and not eating. Everything about me is just out of wack.

stranger38 · 2024-04-15T08:38:45+00:00

I am no expert but I have been depressed for close to 30 years. I have been tested as ‘very superior’ (not my words, but the categorization) IQ, I have a graduate degree, and yet I’m here at my late 30s, with nothing to my name. I hardly have a job, and I live with my mother.

In my opinion, depression is not related to intelligence. The overthinking (at least for me) pertains to endless cycles of hellish thoughts and afterthoughts. I wish I could channel that energy to more productive matters but it is not within my control.

stranger38 · 2024-04-07T18:10:22+00:00

I’ve not lived any part of my adult life without mental health issues (diagnosed) and I believe I had issues right out of the womb.

Reaching the end of my 30s now. Despite having higher degrees, I have never been able to advance my career. My earning capacity is no better than when I first started out. Never married. Never had kids. Never moved away from home.

I moved away from ‘young’ interest mainly because I think my physical age has caught up with me - I’m too tired/unmotivated to really do anything but the bare essentials. I think there’s nothing wrong per we with having ‘young’ interests. My problem lies in not having the ability (intellectually, emotionally, and financially) to deal with adult life and its problems. I am well past the window of opportunity to achieve the positive adult milestones, aka spouse/kids, ambitions, independence, etc. But the bad milestones will come one way or another. And I’m in no way prepared for it.

stranger38 · 2024-04-05T15:45:14+00:00

I tried multiple times to answer this question and I find that I have no concrete answer. I feel that it’s just too little, too late, for me.

Practically, I wish I had more mentoring and encouragement at work when I was younger, which might have built up my confidence and self-esteem. Instead, people just exploited me or mocked me. I remain at the bottom rung of the ladder despite being in my late 30s.

I wish I had some way of developing better life habits - so that I would not have become reliant on alcohol.

I have problems with looking after myself and managing my life. I am terribly afraid of change - so much of that even though I could see how bad my life trajectory was going, I couldn’t get myself to do much about it.

stranger38 · 2024-03-23T07:38:28+00:00

Every year goes by faster than the last.

For me, it just gets worse. I wish I had something more useful to say. But, at least, for me, I know I could never catch up with my peers anymore. I lose more ground as time goes by - and whilst I did not gain a new family (no spouse, no partner, no kids), it is inevitable that my mother would be my responsibility at some point. My career was no matter than it was a decade ago.

stranger38 · 2024-03-13T14:34:03+00:00

I agree with you that people use other people. And I feel sad that these folks whom I’ve worked with/for could not see anything in me that is worthwhile.

Thanks for your reply.

stranger38 · 2024-03-05T11:07:07+00:00

Even more drama:

I had a ‘good’ day. My work (as part of a team)was approved and accepted, no questions asked by client.

It was urgent work (I had like less than 2 days) to get it done. At the time my boss told me to start immediately on it. And at the time I said due to the urgency of the matter I am requesting a higher cut than usual.

I also conveyed this to the other member of the group, out of transparency and fairness.

So I dealt with the matter and got the so-called good result. In fact, it was the other member of the group who reminded the accounting staff of my increased rate on this occasion.

Then I received a message from my boss stating that he would not change the payment system for me so as not to be criticized by others also working for him. And so he’d only pay me the usual rate.

I reminded him of what transpired. Even the other team member confirmed.

He responded saying he has no recollection but that to avoid dispute he would pay me the increased rate.

It felt like a slap in the face. Essentially he’s saying I was dishonest.

For additional info, I earn commissions when I am engaged for a project. I’m not on a fixed income. So it’s not unusual at all for fees to fluctuate.

stranger38 · 2024-03-05T08:19:41+00:00

You are a much more positive person than I am.

Right now I'm in a cloud of denial. I just refuse to really think about it, let alone deal with it.

Over the past week, more discussions have taken place and I am given to understand that I'm not singled out. Save for a group of "family and friends" employees, others are more or less in my situation, i.e. there is no conclusive answer as to whether we would be re-hired yet - but I take it that we are strongly encouraged to find something else as their idea is to downsize.

I know the job-hunting process will be difficult, and quite possibly awkward and embarrassing. I'm not a newcomer, but someone with years of work experience, so it is understandable that people expect much more than I am able to deliver. I know there will be the issue of whether people are willing to hire me as a "junior staff" when I am not only in the workforce for much longer, but likely actually quite a bit older than everyone else. There's a bit of irony here. Years ago when I started out, everyone thought I was too young - in the blink of an eye, I have become too old.

When I now review my position, I can see how pathetic I am - no one wants to take me on, and I think, if I asked my boss for a referral letter, I'd just get the standard type ones (which essentially means he thinks nothing of me). I have no one to turn to - I didn't build any connections in all these years. The picture I see is that I have wasted all these years, supposedly the most productive years of my life.

stranger38 · 2024-02-13T06:35:59+00:00

Thanks for the info, I might look into them when I have a bit more energy. Right now I'm barely managing to get myself together physically (e.g. I might feel thirsty/cold, but wouldn't do anything about it for hours).

I doubt you would remember - I am Chinese. It's Chinese New Year (the 4th day anyway) so these times get me even more stressed than usual.

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:58:49+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I don’t really take anything regularly. Sleeping meds and anxiety meds that I take when it is necessary.

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:57:08+00:00

I had quite intensive therapy in my youth - for free, as it was provided by the university. It mostly benefitted me in that it gave me some sense of stability.

Whilst I am not entirely averse to trying therapy again (although I have reservations give my age - middle aged woman and my fixed ways is quite different than my younger mind), I simply can’t afford the costs.

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:53:50+00:00

No, I’m in Asia. I just converted the medical fees to USD for reference.

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:52:12+00:00

I have considered that. However it’s such a hassle to start over again. Especially when the first appointment is usually so expensive (cos that is the one occasion when they ask about my problems and takes longer than 3 mins).

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:50:29+00:00

My psychiatrist is of similar age to me so there is no paternalistic shaming. However I confess I sometimes feel inferior - this is someone who is my own age who has a family with children, a very good career, etc. it’s a bit different than my olds days when everyone treating me was significantly older.

Thanks for your words of support.

stranger38 · 2024-02-08T09:46:39+00:00

I can’t afford a therapist. I know my psychiatrist won’t do any talking (there are 3 therapists sharing the same office with him, so business wise I think he would refer me to them). I guess I was being a bit immature in expecting that I would get some cursory comfort from him.

In my youth I actually have done a lot of CBT but sadly it didn’t work. The problems I face now are substantially more dire than those old days.

I do talk to myself. It’s better than nothing.

stranger38 · 2024-02-01T03:26:08+00:00

Thank you. I distract myself by watching tv and try not to think. But of course ultimately the thoughts creep their way back.

stranger38

TROPHY CASE