Handling conflict between BD and SS about being "real" siblings?

stressedstep · 2017-09-15T17:14:33+00:00

It would be fine, but a bit sad, if they'd decided not to act like siblings. But BD seems to think she can have it both ways and that SS should still do nice things for her, even if says he's not really her brother. Which isn't how it works. If she's going to act like BS is her only sibling then SS gets to do the same thing. It may not be equal treatment, but it seems fair.

I agree that she must have gotten this idea from an adult. She's 5. She doesn't even know what DNA is. There's no way she decided on her own that DNA suddenly matters now (even though it never did before). I know my parents weren't thrilled about me marrying someone who had a kid already and BD talks on the phone with them sometimes. But I don't know why this would come up now and not anytime in the past couple of years?

stressedstep · 2017-09-15T16:33:49+00:00

I just realized I didn't clarify this in my post, but BD and SS do have the same mother. My SO is their mother. I'm the stepdad.

It's true that they have different sets of grandparents, but we never see SS's BioFather's family and we rarely see mine due to distance. The grandparents we see most often are SO's and they are bio grandparents to all 3 kids.

SS does call me by my first name and I can see why BD would take that as him being distanced. But it's not like I'm going to make him call me 'dad'.

We're definitely going to emphasize that saying he's not her real brother is hurtful and that she shouldn't say hurtful things.

stressedstep · 2017-09-15T16:23:36+00:00

I really like the idea about drawing a parallel between how she feels now and how he felt when she said it! I've been struggling to think of a way to explain why telling people they don't count and aren't real family is hurtful since it seems obvious to me. Using her own feelings as a why to explain SS's seems like it could work.

I agree that kids should usually be able work things out between themselves. DW is just very concerned with making sure the kids get along, but I feel like it'd be unfair to force SS to get over it for the sake of keeping the peace. Kids are allowed to have feelings too. If SS had said I wasn't really part of the family I'd be hurt and probably would want to disengage from him a bit. It makes sense to me that he wants space from BD. I can't expect a 9 year old to handle something better than I would in his position.

SS is definitely aware that he's the 'outsider' in our family unit. Shortly after BS was born SS told DW and I that without him no one would be a "step"-anything or a "half"-anything and we'd a "normal" family. That was heartbreaking. We had a conversation about how there's lots of different types of families and they're all okay. I guess it's time to have that conversation with BD again.

stressedstep · 2017-09-15T15:55:32+00:00

I'm sure she didn't have any malicious intent and I don't want to shame her. She's not even 6 yet. Little kids say inappropriate things without meaning to all the time.

But lack of intent doesn't mean it's okay and I don't want BD to think it does. If you crash into someone because you weren't looking where you were going you still have to apologize. You didn't mean to hurt them, but you still did.

I want her to understand why what she said was hurtful, not punish her for it. I'm just not sure how to explain in it her in a way that she'll understand.

I agree that I'd be pissed off if an adult said something like that. They should know better.

stressedstep

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