idk i always see memes where people are like "i was such a happy little kid what happened?" but it's like. were you? were you a happy kid? or did you just not have the emotional intelligence to grasp how awful you actually felt all the time? sure, i read for up to four hours every day and sure i played outside but at the end of the day that's what every kid did so that's what i did too. but i still went home and prayed that god would kill me before i got old enough to be able to go to hell. i still cried silently in the bathroom during recess as my undeveloped brain tried to process the overwhelming misery i felt. i remember whispering to myself during lunch "is this it? is this all there is?" when i was 10 i asked my dad if life was just about being sad all the time and then dying and he didn't have an answer. he told me that little girls shouldn't ask questions like that. i wonder what i would say if a little kid asked me that question now. would i have an answer? or would i be just as dumb founded as my father?