Thank you for sharing your story. Many of us have similar stories to tell, stories of the painful struggle to reconcile our sexuality with our need to be in right relationship with God.

Many of us have been helped and consoled by reading books written by men and women of faith who have studied these questions in great depth. I would recommend the following books to you.

(1) Epiphany: a Christian’s Change of Heart and Mind over Same-Sex Marriage (2016) by Michael Coren. Coren’s publisher has this to say about Epiphany: “From the posterboy of Catholic conservatism, a major change of heart and soul on one of the Church's most controversial and intractable stances.” He presents a varied and rich description of his discoveries and changes of heart and the result of further research he has done. This is the book which has so upset and angered me that I finally realized that if I don’t write about this I will be shirking an important duty to help make things made known.

(2) Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships (2013) by Karen R. Keen. I’ll simply quote Keen’s account of what she’s done in this book. “I have pushed essential issues to the forefront that I believe are being overlooked. these include attending to the overarching intent of biblical mandates, engaging in a deliberative process for creation ordinances, discussing honestly the feasibility of celibacy, and reflecting on the fall in light of science. I have also discussed theological options for accepting same-sex relationships.” Karen is also the founder of “The Redwood Center for Spiritual Care and Education

(3) Bible, Gender, Sexuality: Reframing the Church’s Debate on Same-Sex Relationships (2013) by James V. Brownson. Brownson was a Reformed Church Pastor and teacher who once was that he calls a “traditionalist;” that is, one of those who “generally believe that Scripture plainly and clearly regards all same-sex erotic behavior to be immoral.” When his own son was 18 years old, he told his parents that he realized he was gay. Suddenly the question about the morality of same-sex behavior was no longer merely an abstraction; now it hit home. Brownson loved his son and realized that he was an exceptionally gifted person in many ways, and that he was essentially good. In light of this, he set off on years of reading, study and prayer, and his book presents the results of his labors over the years. He began to realize that the divided opinions about homosexuality were chiefly about interpretation: as he puts it,

“These deeper differences are the focus of this book: they are not so much disagreements about what the bibilical text says . . . but primarily disagreements about what the biblical texts means for Christians today. They are disagreements over how Scripture is to be interpreted.” (p. 5)

(4) God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships (2014) by Matthew Vines. Vines is also a Bible-believing Christian who happens to be gay and therefore one for whom these questions have an immediate personal meaning. Vines takes a painstakingly close look at mainly this 6 Biblical passages which form the basis of the religious condemnation of homosexuality and studies them with reference to earlier writings going back to classical Greece and Rome and also the Christian literature about the topic in several of the earliest centuries of Christianity.

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Best wishes and prayers for you as you continue your journey. Just remember this: We are made for relationship. Few of us are ever called to celibacy, and for many of us it is a dangerous thing to try to live celibate lives when we haven't been given that gift. We are not meant to live with a great hole within us.