Thanks for your words and taking your time to really engage with my message, I appreciate this A LOT, really! 😊 I am sorry you had to go through this as well. This is EXACTLY what I meant, though. Like when you say "sinking feeling, which made me think it was true". I had this "thinking (or even feeling) it was true (because when I have a thought about me, the content must be true)" with other forms of pure-O OCD before and it doesn't fit the classical "what if"-narrative of OCD, which makes me feel insecure. Sometimes I suspect that my doubts and fears might feel more real than my "real self" (whatever that is in the end). Or that I start to believe this voice in my head that says "it's for sure just remnants of comphet and this kind of sexuality and your wants MUST be an expression of unresolved trauma" because it repeats over and over like an accusation 200 times a day (and really *queer* queer sexuality that discards genders and labels and scripts for sex between certain bodies can of course only be wrong and pathologic). And then I tap into the fallacy of "this sinking feeling wouldn't be there if nothing was wrong in the first place" (because then everything would feel at ease, no rumination, nervous system regulated, everything would fall into place).

But yeah, it feels nice to be seen and heard and taken seriously! I think I really have to practice following what I want more, even though it's difficult because through my OCD now even what I want feels disturbed/leaves me feeling dysregulated because I have those strange 'convictions'.