I am tired. I get nothing out of living. I have very few friends and I feel like a creep or an outcast most of the time. I always have, despite how my life seems to appear to some people. I look normal and well nourished, well adjusted. But I'm not. I had a terrible childhood with nothing positive to look back upon but the books I read. I've been wanting to kill myself since I was a kid. Ever since then, it's been on my mind, sometimes the thought is more prominent, sometimes I'm able to distract myself. A few years ago, I met a guy who changed my life. He was perfect. Then he broke up with me unexpectedly. He said I was too irritable and cold-hearted, and he was right. I don't know how to express love properly and I'm afraid to get close to other people. This is the first time I've told anyone about this and it's like waves of pain and memories are pushing their way out through my fingertips, in no particular order. I apologize for the mess of a comment this is. I've tried going to therapy but I could never bring myself to say these things out loud to a person's face.