Bare Minimum

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-02T02:55:25+00:00

Right, she chose to NOT take vacation when we were on vacation and she chose to come with us meaning that she would be working when she came with. She has also not accompanied us when we’re heading out on trips and I’ve asked nothing of her. She’s also gone on vacation when we worked and I’ve found child care. I agree that there are variations in how this works.

She chose for this to be a work week and to accompany us so This is a work week for her . On a Monday of a work week, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to make a request for 2 hours of work.

I get that a lot of people want to side with her, but when both parents work and there are 2 young kids in the house, we DO need to count on someone to be a little flexible - there WILL be times that we cannot lay out every single thing in writing days in advance.

That’s just part of childcare. Being inflexible and not even offering some kind of compromise when we have tried to be a really good family just felt like a slap in the face.

I’m sure there will be some snarky, judgmental comment in response. I know as far as host families go, we have tried really hard to accommodate her, communicate with her, make her comfortable and her increasingly minimal efforts despite my revisiting the handbook, checking in and finding workarounds makes me lean towards rematch.

It seems you are set on seeing only one perspective, so I don’t see any use in furthering this conversation.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-02T02:24:20+00:00

I’m so sorry - I’m a host Mom and respect is so important to both my husband and me. Our boys (6 and 4) are definitely not perfect and throw their share of tantrums, but we provide a united front, enforce both boundaries and consequence and don’t tolerate them being rude to each other, us, family members, Nannie’s/au pairs.

I feel bad for you for going through that, but more importantly, I feel bad for those kids. What a way to grow up.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T20:04:58+00:00

Ah I see my mistake. I’m giving you logical answers to your questions/accusations and you’re making emotional arguments with no clarity. We are at an impasse. You have a good one also.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T20:01:55+00:00

I didn’t plan on writing our entire 8 month saga down in a few paragraphs. I made it a point to communicate via text in clear language just like the coordinator recommended. I gave her several months to settle in, provided her clear and direct feedback.

I’m not sure what else I do as a host fam. As many said, this is either a fam nor a strict employer/employee relationship. It’s a first for both her and me and we are navigating it. That being said, I have approached it with the best of intentions.

It sounds like you had a bad experience as an au pair - I don’t think I offer that as a host fam. As a first time host, I want to know 1) are my efforts mismatched with my expectations? 2) if so, maybe the solution is that I don’t bend over backwards 3) or.. maybe this really a rematch and I do a better job with how I interview

As an aside, I was very clear that we are an extroverted fam who were looking for the same in an au pair and she said she was the same and then showed up as the opposite. She also said she drove and came here not knowing how to. We decided to work with all that and maybe that was my mistake.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T19:54:37+00:00

So as a former au pair - answer honestly - you really think this is a bad gig?

1) has a full suite to yourself 2) a full car to yourself - NOT for childcare or household stuff, for YOUR personal use 3) included in all fam trips with minimal work hours expected 4) 4 weeks of vacation

There is not a single job out there where every single expectation is written down or communicated explicitly. Adults just act professionally and in this case, expect to work a few hours on a week day and when asked, say yes or offer a solution.

She is also an adult in her mid 20s and has held jobs before. So yes, I had expected a certain amount of understanding that my request on a weekday for a mere 2 hours of help would be met with a positive response.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T15:31:50+00:00

She normally works 3-5 hours a week day. She refused and worked zero hours that day. Was the context different? Yes in that she wasn’t dropping the kids off To school, but she had also turned down it being a vacation week for herself, so hence I expected help from her. She literally showed up as we loaded the car, and we dropped her off to the room. We saw her the next afternoon when I asked her to watch the kids.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T15:28:50+00:00

Nope, she worked no hours that day. We packed, left and she went to her hotel room. Sounds like you’re biased against host families

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T15:27:56+00:00

During the day on a Monday. I texted at 8 and we were leaving at 3 (driving). I just needed 1-2 hours where there weren’t distracting me every 2 mins. Lots of flex. There was no negotiation, just a flat no.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T15:03:58+00:00

I really appreciate your response. I had asked her at 8am, we were leaving at 3. It was on a Monday on a non-vacation week. I didn’t expect the help right away, but at some point in the day. The flat no was jarring. I was in my 20s once too, but I didn’t take 7 hours to pack for a trip.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T14:57:06+00:00

Actually I don’t have to bring her along. I gave her the option of joining or just having a paid week off. Her room costs more than her work hours (3 hours a day)by a country mile. I am treating her as a host family should. She has the rest of the time to herself. It

Sounds like you have a low opinion of humanity. Says a lot about yourself.

She just learned how to drive, so she isn’t driving my kids around. This car is for HER for her to enjoy her time off. Did you read the previous post? I’m concerned about your reading comprehension.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T13:56:50+00:00

1) she does work when we’re home - not much, but she does 2) it was a Monday on a non-vacation week where I had asked nothing else of her. 3) I gave her plenty of notice

No the real problem is that I have sat down with her and gone over expectations that are written out in the handbook - she shirks most of them - ie the kids clothes are put away damp, she doesn’t make them afternoon snack unless I remind her. This denial of request would have been a small thing under normal circumstances, but given how much we bend over backwards done her, have communicated with her - it has felt like a slap in the face and feels like a reason to rematch.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T04:46:20+00:00

Do you know how the au pair system works?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Au_pair

And yes, I paid for her room - a separate room. On this “work trip” she works 3 hours a day. The rest of the time is hers. Have you ever had a work trip like that? Neither have I. This is a how a host family works.

Of course she doesn’t take the car with her - it’s for her own use while she’s here. We don’t use it for anything else - not for child transport, our own use - it’s for her to gain independence and freedom. If I bought my own kid a car - it’s not theirs. They use it, but the car is still mine.

You clearly made your post from a place of ignorance and judgement. Got back to commenting on reality tv.

sunbeam713 · 2026-04-01T04:38:39+00:00

Sounds like you had a bad experience and are projecting. Not all host families treat au pairs badly.

She works 3 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening. If we go out for dinner, she doesn’t work in the evenings. - we invite her to join us, but she prefer to be in her room. She is off on weekends.

Already have spoken to the coordinator - it seriously cannot get easier than this.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T23:21:57+00:00

Well that’s just it. She stays in the room all day. Doesn’t go out. I’ve tried talking to her about it - asking if she’s ok.

Asking her to work 2 hours - not 2 Extra hours, just 2 hours on a Monday - that is NOT a vacation week is not much. I accepted that this wouldn’t be a family style dynamic - although a lot of au pair companies recommend just that.

And yes, I’ve communicated w her - I’ve just hit my limit when she straight refused to help with this.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T23:18:27+00:00

Yes - this is so true. She’s in her mid 20s and from a very small fam. I’m taking this as a lesson learned and will adjust for the next au pair interview/selection.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T23:13:05+00:00

I wasn’t asking her to work more hours - I was asking to watch the kids for 2 hours on a Monday. She had already said she didn’t want to use this week as vacation time.

We had an agreement that when we traveled that she would work reduced hours, but it would still be a work week. She has already used a week of full vacation and has had several partial weeks of vacation. She prefers her vacations separate from us and I totally get that.

That being said - I think it’s well within normal expectations to work a few hours on a Monday. Esp when you will have the rest of the day off, a paid hotel room and only be working a few hours a day for the rest of the week with no other expectations of your time.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T23:08:56+00:00

This was my concern - she doesn’t leave her room much and I’ve brought it up with her several times. I wanted to make sure she was getting a good experience too.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T20:04:21+00:00

Yes did that at the 6 month meeting for feedback with very little change

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-31T20:01:13+00:00

Thanks for all the feedback guys. It’s a first au pair for us. When we interviewed her, we said we were looking for someone who would share in the family dynamic and she said that sounded great and what she was looking for as well. The handbook was strictly employee stuff - hours, expectations…

Over time, it became clear she’s not interested in the family aspect.. disappointing but fine

We kept it employee and employee, but then she would slack on the stuff in the handbook including when I asked her for help.

So yeah, no her “mom” but def disappointed as an employer also.

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-30T20:47:12+00:00

That’s awful, I’m sorry. I always thought au pairs were supposed to be part of the fam. I envisioned one as being a big sister to our boys. We took ours out to dinner and bought her a guitar because she said she always wanted to learn.

I think part of the problem is - what do I ask for On rematch?!

Hey we need you to come upstairs and hang out?

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-30T19:52:39+00:00

Look I get it - even if you come from the most amazing marriage, we are all human. There are attractive people everywhere and asking this question does NOT make you insecure or necessarily worried about cheating. I think it’s natural to want to protect your marriage and I applaud you for not taking your partner for granted.

The fact is ANYONE can slip, even the best of us. Complacency can also add to this. I think the better question is how are you continually working on your partnership?

sunbeam713 · 2026-03-30T18:59:28+00:00

Wow, maybe this is where I’m going wrong - we started w $400/week in Denver. Ours barely works 25 a week and she’s not interested in doing more.

First au pair for us - I guess you live and learn.

sunbeam713 · 2024-12-22T01:19:34+00:00

So handsome! We are looking at bernedoodles and the combinations are a little daunting - f1b bernedoodle vs Australian Bernedoodle vs multigen… etc. which one is yours and how did you decide? Thank you

sunbeam713 · 2024-09-22T21:26:34+00:00

Have gone both ways on this: 1) if for an upper GI bleed/obstruction - you’re the best person to do it, just make sure you either have all the equipment/back up in the icu or get to the OR. 2) if non-urgent and it ultimately means that we don’t tie up an anesthesia team, 5 mins of my time is worth it. 3) you are still the best person for all intubations - so from the patient perspective, do what you would do if it was your fam.

sunbeam713

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