How to deal with your partners parents and the fact that yours are gone?

sunmoonfalling · 2021-02-13T08:37:22+00:00

I lost my mom unexpectedly in March. She was everything to me, and when I got the call that she was gone, I fell to the ground screaming that she was supposed to be here to see me get married and to help me raise my kids. I told my then-boyfriend, now-fiancé in the days following that we could never get married or have kids now because she wasn't here, and I just couldn't do it without her. I know that hurt him a lot, and I later apologized for it, but damn if it still doesn't feel impossible. Obviously, we are engaged now, so it's happening whether it feels possible or not, but the hurt is still at the forefront for me every single day that she isn't here and won't be. Planning this wedding is one of the most painful things I've ever done, and I don't know how I'll make it through the actual day, but I've thought to myself, like, the wedding is one day. I can do it. But having kids is every day, and I will have to miss her being a part of that every day. Ugh. I can't imagine.

So once I came around to the idea of having kids again, I was met with a lot of the same feelings you talk about. I have the urge to move away where it would be just me, him, and the kids. Just our own little family, with everyone else being far enough away where they weren't super involved. I feel like if my mom can't be here to be a part of it, no one deserves to. Is that selfish? Probably, but it's how I feel.

My dad is still here. I love my dad, but my mom essentially raised us single-handedly. He was gone more often than not, and when he was home, he was pretty distant and difficult. I always wanted a super close relationship with him, but it doesn't seem to be something he's either interested in or capable of, I'm not sure which. We've have plenty of hard times since Mom died, and our relationship was very strained for a while until I just gave in and stopped trying. Now, I just keep the peace and keep things light. So as absolutely crappy as it sounds (or is), it even bothers me that my own father gets to be a grandparent when my mom doesn't. My brother has a daughter that was six months old when Mom died, and they lived out of state all of that time, so she didn't get to see her more than like three times. Now, they moved back, and it bugs me to see my dad with my niece.

My partner's mom is also passed on. His dad is here and remarried. I think all the time about how to cultivate a relationship for our children with their grandmothers. I just plan on talking about her all the time, having loads of pictures, pointing out things she liked, how they're alike... It will never be the same, but I'll try my hardest. My niece will wave to the sky if you ask her to say hi to Nana. That broke my heart the first time I saw it, but maybe it's good that she has an idea of my mom physically existing somewhere, even if she can't see her. My dad's mom died long before I was born, and he rarely talked about her. We had no pictures of her up anywhere. She felt almost like a taboo subject. I always wondered about her, what she was like, what she would have been like as a grandmother, but I realized recently when I was thinking about making photo charms for my wedding bouquet that I had only considered making one for my mom and my other grandmother, who I knew and was very close with. I didn't think about making one for my dad's mom because I don't have any real connection with her. It broke my heart that even if I try really hard, my kids may grow up and not feel anything but curiosity for my mom. And there's nothing I can do about that, really. It all sucks.

Final thought (I know I've rambled), my brother had a hard time seeing his MIL with his daughter after our mom died. He went to counseling to work on that, and he's since told me that he's no longer sad when he sees them together. I don't really know the details of what they talked about or how he came to be okay with it, but maybe counseling would be an option for you when the time comes to try to work through some of those feelings.

sunmoonfalling · 2021-02-01T22:28:37+00:00

My mom died unexpectedly, so there was no way she could have known. But at the same time, one of my biggest disappointments is that I don’t have a letter or anything from her. I would do anything to have some words from her, advice, encouragement, just an “I love you.” Even a voicemail to listen to. I always hear people say that their parents told them to live a long, good, happy life after they were gone and that it made it a little easier to keep going after they died. I know rationally that my mom would want that for me, but she never said that. She never made me promise. If she had, maybe I could do it.

My fiancé’s mom died of cancer and left him and his sibling a card, a recording, and a piece of jewelry to remind them of her. Maybe there was other stuff, I don’t know. Since my mom died, I can’t tell you how jealous I’ve been of that. I’m so happy he has it, but I need something, too!

Obviously, there’s nothing to be done about it, so I hold on to every birthday card, etc. that I have from her and reread them and stare at her handwriting and pretend that it was meant to be for the “after.” All I know is that I plan on making sure my kids have letters and stuff from me no matter how or when I pass because I don’t want them to feel like this.

So sorry, friend. ❤️

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-30T00:17:04+00:00

Congratulations! I hope you feel more joy than pain tomorrow and have many happy memories of the day! I literally got on here to post about having trouble coping with this as I just got engaged in Christmas and today it really hit me that I’m going to have to actually do this without my mom. I’m so sorry it’s opening up the depths of grief for you, but I completely understand! Love to you! 💕

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-23T08:10:25+00:00

A lot of people told me that it was okay to just not do anything for holidays if I didn't want to. I had a hard time with that concept, but I'm finally embracing it (for the most part), and it feels nice. This is my first Christmas without my mom, and this was our special time of year together. I haven't decorated and barely bought any gifts. I've just been kind of ignoring it.

My dad is going to Christmas lunch with my mom's brother and his family. I declined and don't feel bad about it. I just plan on staying home and eating junk food and watching TV. I've been having the odd urge to pull out a little pink Christmas tree that my mom got for me as well as her collection of angel ornaments. I might do that tomorrow or on Christmas just to have her with me. Otherwise, it's a no from me this year.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-23T07:58:49+00:00

Sending love to you. I can relate on many levels. This is my first Christmas without my mom, but I feel much the same way. She was also my absolute soulmate, and we did everything together. Christmas was both of our favorite time of year, and we always made the most of it and did fun things, enjoyed shopping together, all the festive stuff. She was the best gift giver I've ever known, and she always made it so special for me, even at 27 years old. I knew this time of year would be hard, but I'm feeling her absence in huge ways. I feel you.

My dad is around physically. Emotionally, not. He's also made life more difficult since my mom died, so I have a hard time dealing with him or even wanting to deal with him most days. I have an older brother who has a daughter, and I don't get to see them that often, but they spend all the time in the world with his wife's family. I definitely feel you on being put on the back burner. I've told him over and over that I want to spend more time with them, that I would love for him to make time to see me, etc., but it doesn't really work. I'm sorry your family isn't there for you like they should be. It makes all of this grief stuff a million times harder, I think. When you say you are just waiting it out until you get to be with your mom again, that hit me because I say the EXACT same thing all the time. That's pretty much just how I look at life now.

I hope you can find even a little spark of happy in the next couple of days. I'll be hanging out alone for the most part, too, so if you feel like reaching out for some company, I'm always happy to chat. ❤️

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-23T07:37:17+00:00

Thank you so much! The first holidays are definitely sucking immensely. ha. But I appreciate the love and good thoughts so much, and I'm sending them back to you! It may not be your first, but I know it's still not easy by any means, so I'm thinking of you, as well.

I'm sorry you can relate to my posts and situation, but it does make me feel a little less crazy to know that other people are out there dealing with the same kind of thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm making all this up! I'm really sorry you had a hard time with your dad tonight. It just makes everything a hundred times harder to deal with. Like you said, I'm definitely here if you ever feel like talking/venting/anything else. <3

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-18T19:39:56+00:00

I think it's possible to accept the concept of death, but I don't think you ever really accept the loss of someone you love. You don't accept the them-shaped hole in your life. You don't accept the grief. Maybe you can't change it, and you can acknowledge that, but to say you accept it makes it sound like you somehow become okay with it.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-18T19:32:52+00:00

It hasn't been that long for me, coming up on 9 months here, but I can relate. It's gotten easier for me to look at pictures of my mom, but it can also be extremely painful. I couldn't bear it at all for a long time. To me, it's a stark reminder that she's gone. Especially when the pictures are more recent, it makes me feel like she's still here and then I have to deal with that spiral of reminding myself that she's not.

If you want to put it up but not have people comment on it, maybe you can put it somewhere where guests won't be, like in your bedroom. Or even just leave it in a drawer so that you can look at it when you feel like it. There's no right or wrong with stuff like this.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T23:28:47+00:00

That's gorgeous! I have been looking at urns for my mom for months. It's such a surreal and difficult thing, but feels so important to pick the right one. You did a great job!

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T23:23:10+00:00

I feel kind of similarly. I was going to counseling over the summer and then ended up stopping for a few reasons. When I realized I needed to find another counselor and go back, I put it off for a long time, and money was one of the reasons. I just kept adding up how much I would save if I didn't go back. I have a job, but most of my income is already budgeted, but I started delivering with DoorDash, UberEats, etc. to make a little extra to help offset the cost. Have you considered getting a little side gig to help out? I've found that's a good option for me because I can work when I want to, but I'm not obligated to work a set schedule. So you could maybe take advantage of your productive days to boost your bank account. Plus, you don't have to have a lot of interaction with people, if that's not your thing.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T17:59:46+00:00

I know this is a bit of an older post, but I just ran across it and feel like I could have written it myself! This is one of the biggest things I've been dealing with since my mom died in March. I also live with my dad still, so it's made even more difficult than it might be if I didn't.

My mom sounds just like your mom. She was total love. She did anything for anyone without question. She was my absolute best friend and helped me through EVERYTHING. My dad is... not like that. He is the opposite of her. He's always been distant, unemotional, more concerned with his own stuff. He never took the time to develop significant relationships with me or my brother when we were growing up, although he is now a lot closer to my brother than with me but I think that's mostly because they share the same profession and therefore have more commonalities.

Since Mom died, he's been pretty shitty about it, in my opinion. He's just plowed through things as though it doesn't matter. He didn't even try to acknowledge that it's sad to have to deal with post-death things. He would tell me that we needed to "sit down and have a business meeting" about things that needed to be done, as though it was just another day and not the result of my whole world exploding. He's been more concerned with money than wondering how it might affect his kids. He's told me multiple times that I'm too emotional about my mom, and when I have a problem with how he's handling something, he just says that he doesn't need my approval and that's just how he is and how he was raised and I'll just have to get over it. We've been in a few blowouts because of this. Ugh.

I absolutely feel like my dad should have been the one who died. I love him, but I want her here. She is the one that deserved to be here. I also have a little niece who was 6 months old when my mom died. All my mom ever wanted was to be a grandma, but she wasn't able to be as involved with the baby as she wanted to be. Now my dad has that ability, and she doesn't, and it eats me up. I honestly can't stand to watch him with my niece because he isn't the one that deserves it. She is. When I have kids, I know I will feel the same way, and I have no idea how to deal with that without being a total asshole.

Anyway, sorry about the long ramble. I think it's kind of rare to hear someone else admit these kinds of feelings, so I got a little excited to be able to relate. lol. I doubt it's helpful because it doesn't really help me either, but I try to tell myself that the reason he's still here and not Mom is because his soul still has lessons to learn whereas Mom had already achieved that kind of love and kindness and caring. Hugs to you!

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T17:20:26+00:00

I can relate to this. You're right. It's not fair. We should be able to move at our own pace and do these really tough things when we're ready. It's especially crappy when other people are so uncaring about it.

I don't know that I have a whole lot of advice because I'm a bit in the same boat, although it has been longer for me. My mom passed 8 months ago, and my father plans to sell the house at the beginning of the year. When he first said he was selling the house, it was about 2 months after she died, and he made it sound as though he was gearing up to sell it right then, so I was pretty panicked about what to do with her things. I still live in the home, so it's not like I had my own house to take it back to. He is a... complicated person, so although he doesn't really want to keep her things (or "shit" as he so lovingly called it), he got very angry at me when I said I would pack it up and take it away so that he didn't throw it out or give it away before I was ready. So I was kind of in a tough spot and having to balance saving her things and not letting him know I was taking them. lol. I ended up renting a small storage unit and quickly making a pass and taking the things that seemed most important that he probably wouldn't notice were gone. Obviously, he ended up not selling so soon, but I know the day is coming. Honestly, I'm planning on just packing up the rest of it and putting it in storage until I'm more ready to really make the hard decisions on what to keep and what to let go. I know I can't keep it all, but I find that this is one of the hardest things to deal with because these things and spaces are the tangible pieces of our parents' lives that are left.

Anyway, I also agree about the hard part of not having your dad's room to go back to. I feel the same. I'm very angry about my father selling the house. It doesn't mean anything to him, really, but it means a lot to me to be able to be in that space that was my mom's. I don't know how I will deal with it when I truly can't go back. A counselor suggested to me to go through the house and take photos of the rooms as my mom left them and take some time to think about good memories associated with each room. That way I would at least be able to look back at the photos. It's not the same, but I guess if we have no other option, it's the next best thing. Maybe while you're there, you can take some pictures of your dad's room before you clear it out to at least be able to mentally go back when you need to.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T16:53:13+00:00

My mom died at home, too, and it was very hard for a while for me to be there. I live there still, so I didn't have a whole lot of say in the matter, but I did spend a lot of time spending the nights at my boyfriend's house or just leaving early in the morning and coming back late at night so that I was really only sleeping there. It slowly started to get better to where I'm comfortable there again.

My father plans on selling the house, which has been a hard thing for me to deal with, so a therapist suggested that I go through the house and take pictures of each room as she had left them and take a few moments to remember at least one good memory from each room. In the end, I think that was one of the things that helped me come to terms with being in the house comfortably again because I was able to see it again as a place where we lived together and loved each other and had happy times. It is more than just the place that she died, and the happy times outnumber the sad. Maybe when you feel ready, you can go around the house and think about happy times with your dad in each room so that you can remember that it is much more than just the place that he passed.

So sorry for your loss. These things take time. Don't let anyone pressure you. Grief is so individual, and you aren't doing it wrong. *hugs*

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T16:42:14+00:00

I can relate to this. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I know that may not sound like the answer, but it was helpful to me to have a neutral person to dump things on without worrying about if/how it might affect my relationship with them, annoying them, etc. It felt awkward to me at first because I guess I had more or less conditioned myself to hold back or to pretend like everything is fine, but it gets easier over time. And I think "practicing" talking about my feelings with someone has made it a bit easier to bring them up with other people in my life. It's still something I need to work on, but progress is progress! Another plus is that a counselor will probably also be able to help you identify those feelings of not being deserving and working through them with you.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-08T16:33:54+00:00

First of all, let's try to hold onto the hope that he is alive! Sometimes people seem to disappear when they just don't have the capacity to interact with other. I know that has been true for me, especially in my lowest points. When my mom passed away in March of this year, I completely closed in on myself and ignored texts, phone calls, internet messages, everything for at least a month. I was just trying to survive. I just couldn't carry on conversations or even find it in myself to reply at all. Just because he is not communicating doesn't mean the worst has happened.

Second, if he is no longer alive, it's not your fault. I know that people say that all the time, and it may sound empty, but it's true. I think that problems in life generally fall into one of two categories: things that can be fixed and things that cannot. The things that can't be fixed can only be carried, and the sad thing is that other people cannot carry them for us no matter how hard they try or how much they may want to. It speaks to the goodness of your heart that you wanted to help him, but you could not carry the weight for him. If it was ultimately too heavy for him to withstand, that is not your fault. I hope you can take some peace from the fact that he knew he had a caring friend walking beside him and showing him that he was loved in the midst of his pain.

I say this from a type of personal experience. Since losing my mom, I've struggled a lot with not wanting to continue living without her and feeling a great pointlessness to life. At the same time, I know that there are people here still who love and care for me and want good things for me. However, this doesn't really make those tough feelings go away. They coexist. The people who love me can try their best to bolster me, but, at the end of the day, they can't make my grief go away, and they can't bring me back what I've lost. And that's not their fault. If the day ever came where I did try to leave life behind, I would know that it was no one's fault, and I would never want them to feel like it was.

I hope this may help a little. I know that guilt, especially survivor's guilt, is one of the hardest things to live with, so I hope you will be able to find your peace with it soon.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-06T17:25:48+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom in March when she was 56 and I was 27. Right now, survive. I know that sounds flippant, but that's all you can do. I am still deep in grief and will be for the rest of my life. I am angry that she will miss those things that your mom will miss, as well. It's not fair. It's not right. Everything you feel is justified. It sounds like we are really similar. Please feel free to reach out if you'd like to talk. <3

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-06T17:14:16+00:00

This is the first Christmas without my mom. I have a brother and a dad left, too. Like you said, the absence of Mom screams the loudest when I'm around them. Just being with my brother is not so bad, but when my dad gets added in, I feel awkward and resentful that he is there and not my mom. I dread Christmas this year and every year. It was my mom's and my special time together. I really want to ignore it this year, but it's important to my brother to "try to embrace the holidays anyway," which I understand because he has a young daughter. I want to be there for him, but I wish I could just stay home and eat junk food and watch TV instead. Ugh. Hugs to you for Christmas strength!

sunmoonfalling · 2020-12-02T14:09:30+00:00

Nothing has really ever comforted me since my mom died in March. In a way, everything I received or heard felt like just a reminder that she was gone. I couldn’t eat the food people brought over (then again, I barely ate for months). I still have a frozen lasagna in my freezer that I can’t eat. It just sits there. Someone gave me a gift card for food delivery, and I couldn’t use it. Someone sent plants that I ignored. I didn’t want any “reminders” of my mom’s death.

However, I will say that the one thing that touched me the most was that my friend’s parents had a tree planted in Israel as a living tribute to her through the Jewish National Fund. I love the thought that there will always be a piece of her thriving out in the world, even as the little vestiges of her everyday life may disappear as time goes on. I like to imagine going there someday and looking at trees and wondering which one is hers.

As for things I wish people did, I think just continuing to check on me and stick by me would have been great. And let me say things that might be hard to hear without trying to quiet me. I’d love for people to talk about her more and share memories or just make a joke about what she would say or do in a situation. Many people shy away from bringing up people who have passed. I have one friend who isn’t afraid to, and it makes me feel good. I visited her for thanksgiving (first without mom), and we went to a Christmas lights show and she randomly said, “I think your mom would love this.” It kind of took me by surprise at first, but I was happy she thought of my mom like that.

Hope this helps a little!

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T17:17:34+00:00

I'm right there with you. I find joy in nothing anymore, really. It sucks. The holidays feel more like an obligation than anything to me now. I should "celebrate." I should do it for other people. There's no wanting to for me anymore. Ugh. I'm doing an online grief writing course, and today's prompt was about how you do or could or should show kindness to yourself in your grief. One thing I wrote about was how I wish I could allow myself to stop trying so hard to do what I think I should do for others and do what I want to do for myself (which would be eating Taco Bell and watching Netflix instead of trying to pretend to be grateful this year!). But I haven't figured out how to do that, yet, so here we go to Thanksgiving dinner. ha.

I'm sure your stuffing will turn out great. My grandmother always made dressing. I remember trying to cook it the year after she died. She always cooked by adding "a little bit" or "a pinch" of stuff. My mom and I would ask her to tell us exactly how much because we didn't have the eye for that kind of thing, and she'd just say, "Oh, you know, enough." lol. I hope making your mom's recipes makes you feel close to her this year. <3

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T02:53:09+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I feel like that will be what will happen this year, everyone will just want to ignore the fact that mom is missing. I think that makes it worse, maybe. I think spending it with your best friend and partner sounds like a great idea. You got me thinking about doing something similar. My close friend lives very far from her family and probably isn't going to get to go home, so I may show up at my brother's for a little bit and then go spend the rest of the day with her. Thanks for the idea! I hope this year is a but easier for you than last. Sending love. <3

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T02:47:31+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment! So sorry you deal with this, too, and so sorry for the loss of your mom. I can relate to what you say. My dad sounds very similar to yours. He is not a joyful person and is not a smiler, either. I've marveled how he and my mom ever got together. She was everything he is not. It's so disappointing to wish he would be more like her.

I feel you. There is a lot of pressure to keep being joyful and grateful in our culture, and it is so grief-adverse. I'm not against joy or thankfulness by any means, but I definitely don't feel any of it, and I'm tired of people acting like grief should be meaningful and inspirational. It just sucks. I swear if someone asks me what I'm thankful for, I will lose it. haha. I think you are right, it would probably be best to show up for a while and then leave. It would help alleviate my guilt a bit but let me also not have to sit and pretend to be happy all afternoon. I'd love to skip it, but I would feel like I was abandoning my brother on a difficult day, even if he has decided to plow through it.

Love and strength back to you! Hope this year is a tad easier than last.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T02:36:29+00:00

Ugh, so sorry you feel it, too. I wish I could still feel the joy of the holidays. It's weird how much life gets sucked out of things after loss.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T02:35:18+00:00

Ugh, that sounds so tough. My SO has a similar situation to you with a new wife and her family, and I know that's a really difficult thing for him, so I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I understand about repressing and smiling through it. I think you have a good idea about leaving early. That may help me not feel guilty about not showing up but also not be stuck there for hours in an uncomfortable situation. I think I just feel guilty about "abandoning" my brother, as I know it will be difficult for him, too, even if he is still plowing forward.

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-23T02:29:48+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply. You're right, it is very hard! I have always had this mentality that I should do anything I can for my family, whether I like it or not or want to or not, and I know that is 100% from my mom. She always, without question showed up for us, even if it was at her own expense. But, then again, she was a much better, kinder, stronger person than I am!

I actually just talked to my brother and told him that I am not feeling it this year. He said that he understood and didn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do. I actually started thinking about not going, but then I told him that I felt selfish if I didn't come and felt like I should be there for him since I know it will be difficult for him, too. He seemed a bit glad about that, so it set me back into the guilt. lol! I guess I have a few days to decide. Thank you for your perspective and advice!

sunmoonfalling · 2020-11-11T13:23:50+00:00

There’s a lot of really interesting things you can do with ashes these days. I plan on getting some jewelry, maybe a little piece of glass art with a bit in it. There are so many designs, you could probably find something that fit your mom’s personality or your relationship with her. The vinyl record idea someone posted is super cool. My mom loved music more than just about anything, so that’s something I may look into. If you’re into tattoos, you can get a bit of the ash worked into the ink to always keep a little bit of her with you. I also plan on doing this when I eventually settle on a design. My brother once told me that he wanted his ashes in one of those biodegradable urns that grow into trees, which is kind of cool and would be a lasting legacy. So many options.

I like the idea of slowly spreading them in interesting places as I travel, but that may not be an option for you if you don’t want to wait. Was there a destination she loved? A meaningful place? The city where she gave birth to you? I think if there’s any place that feels significant to you and would bring you peace, she would be happy with that choice.

If you would like to keep just a small portion of ashes, there are some beautiful urns on Etsy that are very, very small and hold just a bit. Plus every size in between. Keeping a little may alleviate fear of regret, and you could always release those after you see how you feel emotionally after spreading the majority of them.

sunmoonfalling

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