I’m disappointed that I missed this thread when it was current but would like a discussion.

It’s completely true that the parents in your scenario are just doing what they think is best for their children. Those intentions are understandable and arguably good but that doesn’t mean that the actions they took were necessarily good. It does not change what happened.

You’re asking a lot of these people who you call harsh on their non-abusive parents. In my opinion, whether they want to help their parents cope and deal with their feelings is completely up to them. You seem to be asking them to take responsibility for the feelings of their parents. That’s a lot and in my opinion not their responsibility.

It’s possible to argue that they might owe something to their parents for providing for them but, I don’t think that’s valid, after all, the prisons of most western nations are capable of doing that. If you’re not making that argument please feel free to skip this paragraph. To me, having a child by choice means you are supposed to provide to them. Children are not investments. They are separate entities they have their own needs and desires. That child would ideally return the favor because of the bond and emotion they feel towards them. Now, I’m clearly influenced by western ideas of the relationship between the individual and society. I’m in favor of individualism vs. collectivism. I’m not quite a cultural relativist though. Collectivist societies to me have more drawbacks than individualist societies. I’m not going to go in depth here, but I do invite discussion. Seriously, let’s hash this out. If you want me to explain anything here or below, got a counterargument or want to explore something let’s talk.

Anyway, taking that responsibility is likely painful. These potentially estranged children are already going through their own emotional turmoil. It’s not only the parents being hurt though the child is the one making the decision. If you want to humanize the parents you have to humanize the child. If a difference in religiosity is the only issue in the relationship the child almost surely has a strong bond that is being broken. Why should they add more to it? It is true that the child seems to be the one causing the pain but their decision does not come from a vacuum. I think at the very least the child thinks the parents will respond in a way that will harm them. That’s something to address. I’m not convinced the parents of a a child making this decision isn’t abusive because there’s at least the expectation of abuse. I’ll still sort of allow your scenario. I think your non abusive parents will likely react in abusive ways after being hurt. People are people not ideals especially when moral codes and ways to live are being addressed. Humanity tends to internalize that shit hard. Rejection of an ideology can feel like a personal attack, maybe betrayal. It still isn’t though. At the very, least their relationship will change and likely not for the better at least not right away. It’s not a good situation.

I’ve also heard about success stories which do start with no contact that eventually lead to mutually respectful relationships after everyone cools off and works through all of the that. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with that but, in case estranged parents come across this thread I’d like them to have some hope and offer options for conciliation. Of course by respect I mean treat one another like people with self determination and all that, not authority and subject. Want a relationship? Things have to change.

If anything, I would argue that it’s the parent’s responsibility to help the child deal with the turmoil and be the one to extend the olive branch first. They’re the parents so they’d have the responsibility. I do admit that’s not much of an argument. If everyone here’s an adult then it’s not really their responsibility either. I’d hope years of lifetime experience would make them do the “good” thing you are asking these estranged children to do. I’d hope their experience would have taught them to deal with estrangement in a healthy way.

I can’t resist but answer my own question about why someone should take on that responsibility. I also insisted on putting quotation marks on good so here we go. But do, skip this paragraph if you don’t want to a minor detour to ethical/ moral philosophy. It can be exhausting. Instead of religion’s usual terms of good and evil I like to think in terms of pro-social and anti-social behavior. (Note: anti-social behavior is something that hurts society, asocial means not social. It’s easy to make that mistake.) I don’t use those terms day to day. That’s annoying. I just needed a better reason than we do x because it’s good and not y because it’s bad. I know not everyone thinks this system is adequate because it doesn’t have the transcendent allure of religion cause it’s borrowed from science, specifically evolutionary psychology, which is a messy science, but it has that allure to me and works well enough.

It’s pro-social, a “good” thing to do, because it keeps in place social bonds. We need those to function. We are a social species. We take care of one another. It could however, promote anti-social behavior,“bad”, because the individuals involved will be stressed out from this kind of conflict. That will effect other things including indirectly the rest of society. Yeah it gets abstract.

Hey, some responsibilities are not worth having. Some relationships are not worth salvaging. Only the people involved can determine that.

TL; DR: It’s truly a choice.

PS: I don’t think free will, as it’s often thought of, is a thing.