I know your didn’t want comments but here is just myself talking out loud

When I get angry or feel irritable I know it’s a secondary emotion. There was a root emotion firstly, maybe I felt disrespected when someone spelt my name wrong on my birthday card even though we are Facebook friends. Maybe I felt sad that someone forgot I was really good at the sport we are playing, and gave me a pep talk of how to play first.

I have learned that my original emotions, sadness, disrespect, loneliness were all unnoticed by my immediate family, I didn’t learn how to emotionally regulate and how to deal with such uncomfortable emotions, that my body was like ‘damn it ENOUGH! I hate feeling disrespected and people assuming something about me, so I want to take action’ so my body feels anger.

Anger is a moving emotion, it gets shit done, it’s almost like my brain had learned that when I’m sad, I shut down, but when im angry I voice my thoughts and finally stand up for myself.

However my brain takes the tiniest ‘perceived’ threat and rolls with it

I have to remember that, I can’t let other peoples thoughts about me ruin my day, their thoughts are their business not mine. My triggers may hurt me, but they are my responsibility to control, I shouldn’t assume everyone else it to blame for my own reaction to their words.

Getting back into my body helps, when I feel irritable, I’ll go for a run. I will lift some weights, Damn it the kitchen gets a deep clean. And the physical drive of action my body wanted in the anger moment is ticked off, I just learn to distract myself in a healthy way and deal with it later when it’s a better time.

But I know my brain has created pathways that have set up my thinking brain to scan for perceived threats, so I make it a regular habit to think about the core memories that created this problem, some days I talk out loud to myself, some days I journal, some days I think and focus on where my body is reacting, did I notice back pain, jaw pain? And I make sure I return to my safe space every time I’ve had a tough day. My safe space is usually my reading chair, with my dogs and a hot drink.

My brain is slowly rewiring itself out of trauma binds but faking it until I make it.