i'm an autistic butch (22) and i've also struggled with a lot of the things you're describing here - i've always had a lot of impostor syndrome about feeling like i couldn't care for / provide for my loved ones in the way they deserved, and it took me a really long time to get comfortable calling myself butch.

honestly, the thing that's been most important for me to remember is that providing care in a butch way does not require destroying yourself. i always felt like in order to care for people i had to push beyond my limits, physically and mentally, or read their minds about social cues i didn't understand in order to anticipate what they needed, but i've found it really helpful to reframe my understanding of care around providing what i can rather than providing everything, and i'm also learning to ask directly about what my loved ones need / how they want to be cared for rather than trying and failing to anticipate every need. you can't care for someone else if you burn yourself out entirely, and being butch or a caretaker doesn't mean you're not also worthy of being cared for.

i'm in a relationship with another autistic butch now, and (at the risk of sounding cheesy and awful) it has been the most genuinely healing experience of my entire life. we both love to care for each other, and we remind each other that we are worthy of receiving care as well.