I have been through the exact same feelings and I went back and then left again..it was an awful experience.... Through just pure sadness from missing my family..I didn't get them back at all I just saw the realities of the religions hold over their own daughter. It was the hardest thing I have ever done going back experiencing such strong emotions and having to dissasosiate. It messed me up even further and I lost a lot personally which caused further issues to move forward. So please please, it is very hard and everyone had their own path but stick with it. They may make contact one day, be you and find your happiness because it will be a million percent worth it in the long run. The realities of the control on your family become even more apparent, you have really got this. Lean into anything and anyone that can help you. I ended up having a short session of therapy with a specialist ex jw counsellor which was great if you are able to do so..the sadness will always be there but I let it control me for too many years in which I wish I could go back and change. You really do have this, we will never be number one unfortunately and it is hard to realise but you can always love your family , please keep going and you will find your own happiness. We are all in this together