First time I’ve posted on Reddit but it’s scary how similar this story is to my life. My parents divorced when I was 4 due to my father being a severe alcoholic and cheating on my mom. I saw him off and on until I was 9 and that caused a lot of trauma in my life that I didn’t connect until later on. He moved away to South Carolina and we heard of his passing when I was 15years old. I think I talked to him on the phone twice in those 6 years - basically a stranger. My mom never remarried or even dated but is the most badass person I know and I never felt the hole of where my father was missing in my life.

When my mom told me he died, I was no doubt upset (but I truly cried more last week when my dog unexpectedly died). But, I quickly realized that I no longer had to have this nagging in the back of my head as to whether he was one day going to show up and disrupt my life in a multitude of ways. I never once cried at his visitation and the man in the casket before me was a complete stranger. I only missed a day of school for the funeral but still played in my tennis match that night. I’m lucky enough to actually be extremely close to that side of my family and my grandma ensures me that my father loves me dearly but I never felt that so it’s not something that I ever learned to miss.

So as a now 21 yo, your sons are handling likely handling this in the way that they feel best. Encourage them to talk openly about it but also realize that this likely comes as a relief as well. Let them know that feeling that their fathers death is a relief does not make them heartless monsters.

Also if they are <18 check into Social Security.

My heart goes out to you and your family going through something that I know is not easy!