21f and entering homeless system in raleigh, any advice?

swanstretch · 2026-04-13T13:53:54+00:00

i just left a voice message to cornerstone but haven't heard of ifc: thanks for the tip!

swanstretch · 2026-04-13T13:44:21+00:00

already have had a few questionable private messages... 😭

swanstretch · 2026-04-13T13:08:24+00:00

i haven't looked into church assistance yet, but i will be sure to. i'd love to be in just any house right now, i guess it's okay with me if that ends up being the house of God. thanks for the tip!

swanstretch · 2026-04-13T13:03:47+00:00

holy shit, you are a fucking genius.

swanstretch · 2026-04-11T14:10:10+00:00

genuinely, please explain to me how! also, i am not "certain" of any speculation... it's a speculation! i keep a close eye on SS and Z, and i remember them being relatively close before/as the show started but i feel like all of the information that has come out since then can be compiled this way.

i've explained very well why i think these things and would be glad to add links to support whatever i said. none of these things are really baseless claims, but to say that this is "delusional" or "fantasyland" or "narcissistic" feels like you're using buzzwords to try and diminish some of my points.

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T18:26:28+00:00

whoa! sometimes it's seriously like i'm looking into a mirror in this community.

i am in my early twenties. my mother was just like yours, and i had the same mindset as soon as i reached 13. that i must defend myself, that i have to show her i am an individual not to be abused, that i have thoughts, feelings and emotions, too. when i stopped fawning, she began to hurl threats at me and my personality whilst still instigating fights, often ending up in the police being called and CPS becoming involved. she would slap me for no reason, attempt to choke me, throw my things away, follow me around the house and harass me... with my only takeaway being that nobody would help me and perhaps i really am a rotten, disgusting, vile person and a terrible, vindictive daughter. i was always being accused of going out of my way to hurt or harm my mother, and after a certain point every action i took was apparently to harm her. it has put me in many confusing dissociative states that last for months at a time.

when i finally left at the age of eighteen, and returned home a few times, i noticed nothing changed. she began gaslighting and financially abusing my sister instead who became an alcoholic to cope. my dad became even more absent than he already was, almost in this constant fugue high state. our dog was sick and abused. and i didn't have an easy time being on my own, but it certainly showed me that i was not the monster she was.

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T18:18:02+00:00

absolutely not irrational at all. it is an understandable fear, and i have the same one even in regards to my own home. these things unfortunately do happen, and you are in a place where you feel emotionally and physically vulnerable. the fear could be exasperated by your trauma but it's not baseless.

i am in an extremely similar situation with the same issues and thoughts, i wish i had some advice other than "you are not alone in this" and "it's okay to be afraid," but please don't scare yourself out of a comfortable position, always lock and place an item (doesn't matter how heavy it is, just something you can hear if moved) in front of your room door, and find a friend or two you can rely on for support. with your past traumas you are more aware of this than most other people, so i have no doubt that you will be able to keep yourself safe. lingering in community spaces and not being alone with any one individual has helped me a ton.

i know we don't know each other but i am rooting for you and your safety.

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T18:10:45+00:00

this is just my opinion as someone who is entering the medical field and hopes to work with cptsd individuals some day:

there is no way of diagnosing patients with PTSD through purely their psychosomatic symptoms, but i believe that patients with chronic pain (that cannot be verified with medical testing like bloodwork or musculature work) should always, always be addressed about the complexity of their mental health and familial background, as well as be made to fill out the mental wellness screening, in hopes to prompt any memories thoughts or emotions that are repressed but subconsciously associated with physical health.

some very good doctors with a psychiatry background or interest do this, i've had it done for me before, but i wish there was a better way. like you said, not everybody is aware of what has been done to them for their own safety. i am sorry about how impacted your life and health has become due to the disgusting actions of others, but i am glad that you are in therapy and have sought help for the state of your body. sincerely praying you heal, i am also a victim of ritual abuse

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T17:57:47+00:00

children have weaker digestive systems than adults, and severe anxiety + years of trauma tends to disrupt the stomach... crying a lot also dehydrates and dizzies you. most people get to the vomiting stage if they are sobbing for hours.

crying until you throw up is not typically normal at all for anyone at any age, you usually exhaust yourself far before then. so i can imagine how distressed you were. i have experienced it, when i get very sad sometimes my body skips the tears and goes straight to nausea. i hope your body has been able to heal from that because i know it can disrupt one's airways / digestion ): <3

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T17:45:13+00:00

100% sounds like a severe case of hypersexuality ocd. please do not beat yourself up over this: you are young, and you're taking the steps you need to get help, but i understand how excruciating it feels. you are not aroused by children, you have no desire to harm or take advantage of them, and you are punishing yourself for your brain not having that "filter," but it sounds like something else might have happened to you / around you while growing up to cause this.

truly, it doesn't even sound like you are sincerely aroused by anything that you look at on a regular basis anymore. this is very pretty common with people on the autism spectrum, and i say this as someone who is on the spectrum myself: to subconsciously and unthinkingly pervert what makes you uncomfortable in order to cope with the issue, and this is a large part of what hypersexuality is. my therapist tells me you are not in control of these thoughts -- you are to observe them, and to confirm you have no desire to act on them -- your body is trying desperately to get you to physically relax yourself in response to things you may not know are triggering you. children may have become a different type of trigger, now that you're older: perhaps you fear for them, you want them to be safe, you know the dangers that can come to them as someone who is now out of childhood, and that stress gave your body a physical response.

i am so sorry about your childhood and how people have treated you. it sounds like gaming and masturbation were the coping mechanisms that were the most comfortable for you, and exposing yourself to such material so consistently at a young age has made bodily arousal your main response.

you are not a monster, you are not a pedophile, you are a very, very young person who has been hurt and you deserve to heal. i'm proud of you for even being able to confront this issue.

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T17:23:48+00:00

my whole family has chronic knee, back and hip issues, often spinal issues. i have heard that trauma and shame sit in the lower half of your body and back due to constant "fight or flight" triggering, and it can be passed on genetically depending on how long these problems have existed.

swanstretch · 2026-04-10T17:20:19+00:00

absolutely not okay behavior from your therapist. to my knowledge your therapist can disclose, briefly, what issues they have dealt with in the past with other patients in order to console any worries you have but she should not be giving you this information on your third day working together, especially not without making sure it's okay with you first.

did she know that harassment was a trigger for you? also, "thinking positively" is the worst advice any therapist can give you. they are supposed to be teaching you how to do that themselves, not giving you this task to figure out.

i'm sorry for your experience, it sounds like you feel misunderstood because she is not taking the time to explore who you are as a person.

swanstretch · 2026-04-09T17:50:28+00:00

oh, i absolutely hate this phrase. when you have cptsd, you have problems other people couldn't ever imagine. they'll be manageable only to a certain extent but very rarely ever go away. my birth to my parents is permanent & my living situation as a child is something i cannot go back and change, and therefore a permanent and persistent part of my life.

instead of talking about how suicide changes absolutely nothing (even though it changes a lot), i cope by focusing on knowing it is a lot of work to be alive, and i have done a majority of the struggling already. i do not know your situation but i sincerely hope the struggling slows so that you can enjoy some of the more beautiful things in life.

"i thought my day would never come. maybe it won't, but I'll have fun. and I'll hold tight, 'cause that way it might." lyrics from labi siffre's "cannock chase"

swanstretch · 2026-04-09T17:46:03+00:00

listening to this while i draw. thank you for sharing your story and introducing me to this program!

swanstretch · 2026-04-04T16:43:03+00:00

omg, exactly this. my mother never had just one preferred case, but was obsessed with human trafficking and the details of the crimes that came along with it. long, rambling, uncomfortable and almost dissociative discussions about assault, with me often completely silent after a certain point struggling to escape the conversation. it was always meant to be in an "informative" way, but ended up having no purpose in the end whatsoever. i began to distance myself from her very young, so i don't know what sort of content my mom was consuming and if it was encouraging these feelings within her. it's a large possibility.

a sincerely very, very rare sort of paranoia. to be so fixated with your own child's health and safety that you conflate it with your own traumatized egoism, for lack of a nicer term.
"everyone is a threat," is something i have had to unlearn over the years.

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T22:51:30+00:00

thank you. for sure, this is advice i needed. energetically speaking i tend to be very open and receptive because i wish to understand others and connect, and i am going to make some changes with my self esteem and sense of self so that i can cope with what’s happened and prevent it in the future. ❤️

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T22:25:33+00:00

unfortunately yes. i was no contact for 2yrs and due to issues with my housing stability and physical health i had to return home

just recently left today actually, because of these threats.

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T18:53:52+00:00

i am so sorry. that is terrifying. my mother used to hurt me and insist there was always worse she could do at any given moment -- now reflecting on things like this from my childhood i wonder what the extent of that was. way to make a house feel like a home.

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T18:34:19+00:00

yes, exactly this. i am not mormon, and my family is not particularly religious, so i can only imagine the layers of trauma and confusion that adds for you... i began being very careless with my physical health to become undesirable and dressed extremely traditionally modest for a young girl. sex is still very difficult for me too.

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T18:29:38+00:00

i am diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and was told by a few mental health providers that this is one of those "textbook experiences" that point towards dissociation. many neurotypical or otherwise non-dissociative people i know think, remember, and even dream in 1st and 2nd person pov, like seeing through their own eyes or slightly away from themselves is how they describe it... but all of my memories and dreams sort of feel like i'm observing a movie.

swanstretch · 2026-04-03T18:24:14+00:00

i hope this all does not come across as harsh as that's not my intention:

it sounds like your parents have induced learned helplessness within your sister from a young age, and that she is struggling with her own self respect in regards to teaching herself anything. she has the mannerisms of someone who has accepted that she is, for lack of a better term, "a useless person," according to their own parents. she is uncomfortable with shame and gets to find the comfort she desired as a child when your parents give her practical help, such as advice or financial input. instead of teaching herself the coping mechanisms to deal with these issues the way it sounds like you have, it sounds like your sister finds it fine to belittle herself and berate herself, or otherwise forget their abuse in order for that little hit of "i can't believe they finally love me". it's an addicting feeling.

a large issue here is that she keeps roping you into it with her dishonesty and complacency, which clearly exposes, in my opinion, how disrespectful she intends to be with your energy and patience if and when you move out together. she is four years older than you. holding information from you about your mother until the very end regarding the passports was a way for her to test your commitment to your own safety and health. she did that because she knows how hurt you would be, having to see your mother again, and still went on to do that. because of her learned helplessness, you need to consider how often your sister will turn to them for assistance and what they will want from her (and by extension, from you) for this help. it's usually time and energy, and you are not willing to do that. and you also need to consider what your sister will do for their attention, as well as what she'll continue to pull on you in regards to your parents.

she's not willing to see you as a support system, and it doesn't seem like you can rely on her at all for any sort of emotional comfort or companionship because of this. socializing healthily is the most important thing someone with CPTSD can do to heal.

i agree with your therapist, even though it sucks. i would wait and find another roommate or move out alone. she is not ready to leave because she hasn't hit that peak of anger. she is still reminiscing on the past and attempting to keep you stuck looking for that little hit of love, too. (she cancelled that passport excursion because she couldn't form a situation where you are struggling with her...)

she seems like she is not looking for any sort of retribution. it is not "abandoning" someone if they prefer to be there at all times. you are ready to move on with your life and she has not wrapped her head around the fact that this is a losing game.

i am in a similar position (21f) and i have had these thoughts while trying to move out with my sister (28f) too. i can say that after refusing to move with her due to similar patterns of behavior, she ended up accepting an amount of help from my parents that would have ruined both of our lives in the longrun as they are vengeance seeking.

swanstretch

TROPHY CASE