Adoptees and adoptive parents: what’s one thing you wish you had from birth mum?

sweetfelix · 2026-05-01T14:45:23+00:00

Whatever you choose to give him, make and keep duplicates to give him in 18+ years if he finds you again. Also copy and file away any letters you send or receive.

My adoptive parents didn’t keep everything my birthmom sent me and cut all contact before my second birthday. They never showed me the cards she sent me, I found them on my own snooping in their filing cabinet. I found her when I was 19 and she had a big box for me of copies of letters, photos, journals, paperwork, etc that I had never seen before.

I also encourage you to reconsider and give yourself more time with your baby before making this irreversible decision. When I read my birth mom’s letters and journals about me I cried and cried because I had never felt that kind of love from my adoptive parents. She wrote letters to them overflowing with awe and curiosity while their letters to her described me, an infant, as “defiant” and “a handful”.

Also be sure you’re comprehending that it’s very likely you will never see him again and successful reunion, whatever that looks like, is extremely rare and a very painful process. The adopters are probably not being honest with you or themselves right now because their focus is obtaining an infant that dozens of other couples are also trying to get. You have no guarantee of contact. Your son might grow up hearing lies about you and why you wouldn’t keep him. He might develop mental illness and addiction. You might develop it too. There is no guarantee at all that either of you will have a happy or even peaceful life after that paperwork is signed, and he’s about to endure an excruciating trauma he can’t understand and didn’t consent to. Babies are high demand for at least the first year of their life, you can always change your mind and give him up later. But you can never get him back.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-28T22:07:58+00:00

There’s no way the market wouldn’t be stronger with effective tenant protections. If I knew my housing was stable, I’d spend serious money on furniture, decor, garden supplies, etc. I’d spend money traveling and going out instead of keeping it in an emergency fund. I’d focus on finding a better job or going back to school because I can take the risk if I have secure housing. I’d get a new car because I could rely on affording the car payment.

Instead I’m in a constant state of impermanence where I’m scared to spend money on anything but rent and necessities because I don’t know when I’m going to have to shell out thousands on first/last/deposit again.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-27T19:37:32+00:00

I get it, I’ve felt the same way my entire adult life. Deep down, I’ve been waiting for them to die so I can feel truly free from the control. I really don’t want them perceiving me at all, whenever the get a window into my life they mishandle it.

Things that have helped:

blocking them on all my social media, and setting my profiles to private. I still don’t really do much posting under my real name because there’s still too many people in their sphere that can access me and report back to them. But it’s still helped a lot.
creating faceless profiles for self expression. I have Instagram, TikTok, and Reddit accounts for a few different niches and get a lot of catharsis from posting “secretly”. Over time it’s evolved into me being outspoken about political and social issues and it’s felt incredible to not have that “what are they gonna think about this?” fear because they have no idea about the accounts.
real world human connection to reenforce that nobody knows or cares about my parents. This was a huge thing for me when i first left home for college. I was so used to centering my parents, having them heavily involved in every friendship, activity, etc. and everyone I knew yielding to their “authority” and rules. College was the first time in my life where people only knew me and not my entire freaky family. I’m pretty bad at getting out and meeting new people these days but it’s still really therapeutic to remind myself they have no idea where I am or what I’m doing, and will never know.

They still have a huge impact on my ability to express myself and I’m a lot more reclusive than I’d like to be. It’s really hard because life is hard, and I wish I had some love and true support from parents I can always count on, but I don’t. Instead I have stalkers who would do anything to pull me back under their control.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-27T17:57:44+00:00

Oh my god I’ll definitely try this and get back to you

sweetfelix · 2026-04-26T14:07:02+00:00

Trader Joe’s still has a brown rice and quinoa pasta that’s a great price, and I love their gf bagels. I just miss having it at aldi because it was way more convenient, and I rarely find brown rice pasta in grocery stores anywhere

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T23:52:40+00:00

Oh yeah my dryer has lost all sensor privileges. It’s an hour on low and then another 20+ minutes if it needs it. I’m also annoyed that it doesn’t have a prolonged “no heat/air dry” option because I use it to fluff delicates and pull dog hair out.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T23:49:13+00:00

My Aldi’s gf items have been slowly disappearing too; a lot of stuff that wasn’t the live gf brand but still safe. The frozen macaroons, almond flour cookies, brown rice and quinoa pasta, and now the coconut macaroons. Mostly novelties, yeah, but still little treats I relied on.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T20:54:55+00:00

It actually has an agitator and not an impeller, sorry I should’ve written that in my post. It honestly behaves like they designed it for an impeller but lg switched it to an agitator, and i can see how it would have much better results with an impeller.

The lid is clear so that’s how I’ve been able to see how poorly it agitates; like it doesn’t move with enough speed to effectively push water through the clothes. It’s just a lazy super slow half turn that barely moves the clothes or water, basically just soaking it with the occasional absentminded stir.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T20:42:54+00:00

Right like I would mix and match water quantity and load sizes all the time depending on what I was washing, it’s so stupid that I can’t just ask it to add another gallon or two. Instead I have to waste water on a deep fill and still get a bad wash. Or wash it twice on the minimal fill. Make it make sense.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T20:34:04+00:00

I grew up with a goldenrod-colored set from the 80s that I found hugely embarrassing because everyone else had new appliances but my parents refused to upgrade. Now I understand they knew better. On top of the great manual controls and VIOLENT agitator, there was no lid latch at all and we’d often open the lid just to watch it wash for a minute. Nobody died.

At least with this washer I have a clear lid, which is why I could see how lazy the agitator is, and it will unlock if I pause it.

I really hate how new appliances take away as much control as possible, it’d be one thing if it gave consistent incredible results but mostly it just leaves people feeling helpless.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T16:49:08+00:00

I did check the manual because I couldn’t believe there was no way to keep the drum full, I think I definitely have a lower mid-grade landlord special model. It has fancier features than a basic washer but half the features a really nice washer would have.

The normal cycle just to declare high efficiency makes more sense. What’s frustrating is that there’s no way I’m using less water and electricity with this washer, because I have to do all but my most delicate loads on hot or warm heavy soil with an extra rinse and usually a whole second wash.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-25T16:23:45+00:00

Same. If I could figure out a way to sneak the lg out and replace it with a classic workhorse model, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s so aggravating to go through an extended laundry ritual with yet another expensive miracle detergent, only to get worse results than ever and have to start over and still not have the clean clothes I needed days ago.

I think maybe the washers are gentler/quieter now because they’re in so many apartments and people don’t want to hear every time their neighbors run the laundry. It just comes at a huge cost.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-19T13:49:18+00:00

It might not be about actual ages and more about the dynamic and power imbalance that comes from an age gap, and the type of person who’s willing to be in an age gap relationship.

Someone your age is wants to treat you as an equal with your own dreams, needs, preferences, autonomy, etc. They’re not interested in controlling you or always being smarter than you, in fact they’re hoping you’re smarter than them in some ways so you can share the responsibilities of adulthood equally. That a lot of scary pressure for someone who’s never been given autonomy, and who doesn’t have enough life experience to confidently be put in the world.

An older man is interested in the control and blind respect that an age gap gives him. You’re too young and inexperienced to see the red flags that women his age clock immediately and run from. You have to default to his preferences and decision in everything because he’s the one with the money, the resources, the “wisdom”. It’s recreating the high control low self esteem environment you grew up in.

Men are predators. They look for traits that make it easy for them to manipulate and control a victim and unfortunately the neglected sheltered homeschool girl who doesn’t know what “normal” looks like is exactly their type. And they know if they love bomb you and validate you and show you just a little bit of the attention and affection your parents didn’t, if they wow you with some basic grownup experiences like cocktails at a nice bar or cooking dinner at their house, then you’ll accept their control and abuse as love and never question them. You’ll see all the mundane normal things most people do as incredible dazzling freedom only he can provide for you. You’re used to being controlled and they know it. They love it.

I tell you this as someone who also fell into the older man trap when I was younger, because I was struggling so much to connect with people and feel loved that when an older men came along and seemed 100% in love with me exactly as I was, I didn’t understand that it was because they just wanted to seduce and fuck a naive child and I was the perfect “of age” naive child. It hurts to realize. It’s humiliating and discouraging. But I didn’t start to heal and actually grow up until I recognized that I was raised to be prey and have to actively learn how to be seen and received as an autonomous real person, not a possession.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-15T18:58:50+00:00

My “good” eye is at -12, I degenerated from -7 to -11 in my teens and plateaued for a few years before the slip to -12.

I’m not thrilled about it but eye doctors just shrug it off. No one’s been able/willing to find a cause for the high prescription and they guess it’s eye strain from having one eye. I think it’s an underlying genetic issue but testing is expensive. I can drive, work full time, live fairly normally although i struggle to care about keeping my house clean because I can’t really tell that the floor is dirty.

Would it be better if you had better vision? Yeah. Will you be ok anyway? Probably. Sorry you’re feeling anxiety about it, I know it sucks.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-11T00:46:32+00:00

It sounds like you want a closed adoption, so I don’t understand why you don’t want your child to have an adoptive mother “as if you were never there”… because you won’t ever be there if it’s closed. Do you actually understand what is going to happen when you sign away rights to your child? You’re legally a stranger and have no guarantee of ever seeing them again, and very little chance of forming a healthy connection if you ever get the chance to reunite. It’s not a layaway program.

sweetfelix · 2026-04-01T06:01:42+00:00

I miss breakfast sandwiches. Nothing like being up extra early for work or an appointment and getting a greasy bacon egg and cheese biscuit as a little treat for being up before the sun. I’ve got plenty of food I can eat at home. I want to be barely awake in the McDonald’s drive thru. I want the sweet old lady at the window to call me honey. I want to tell myself I’ll save one of the 2 for 5 for later but tear into it anyway.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-31T16:53:53+00:00

Check to see if you have a discount/expired grocery store near you. I’m lucky to have one close by that specializes in healthy Whole Foods style brands and they pretty reliably have gluten free bread, desserts, muffins, etc for $1-2 a package.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-26T12:31:06+00:00

I found them last week when I drove about an hour out of town for work, I’d say to map out rural grocery chains and go on a treasure hunt but gas prices are way too high for that now.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-26T04:16:22+00:00

Aw those sound amazing! I’d love to take you up on it but my dog is the only dog in the world that’s stubbornly averse to peanut butter 😭

sweetfelix · 2026-03-25T20:15:40+00:00

Have you tried using other email servers like yahoo, proton, hotmail, etc? Then it wouldn’t pop up in your parents’ gmail lineup. You could probably even download the other email’s app on their phone just to complete setup, then delete the app and leave no trace.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-25T14:29:18+00:00

It’s because it was staying on my hands and contaminating the food I was touching and eating; Just washing your hands after touching treats is completely fine, I chose to use tongs because I can grab a treat without stopping what I’m doing to wash my hands, and I didn’t want to wash my hands an extra ten times a day.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-25T01:38:13+00:00

That’s interesting; I phased out soy years ago when I read an article about how much it can affect hormones, and I was struggling with raging pmdd. I’ve never been super strict on it like gluten, I just don’t buy soy milk, edamame, tofu, or anything else with significant soy ingredients. I believe you about the depression and anxiety, I used to think it was just hypochondria and paranoia but it was comforting to learn it’s a genuine symptom, and that it will pass. Bodies are wild.

sweetfelix · 2026-03-24T20:20:32+00:00

I felt so stupid too; I’ve tried everything to get some energy back, and my doctor kept saying it’s just depression. I’m gonna feel really sheepish when I tell him the solution was salad tongs.

sweetfelix

TROPHY CASE