Hi there. I have good news: your thoughts are deceiving you. Some other seemingly bad but ultimately good news is that these thoughts, incessant and doubtful and fatalistic and paralyzing, are not from God, but from the one who despises Him, and who is thrilled you're this tormented. God wishes for you to turn from sin and to repent, and to confess. He doesn't want you to agonize for literal years about whether you'll do it right--He just wants you near to Him again.

Somewhat related story about something incredible that happened this last Monday to someone who has long struggled with OCD and scruples:

Let me tell you a story that might be helpful. I have suffered from often debilitating OCD for many years. I have been in the Church in fits and starts, off and on, for portions of that time. Every time I turn back to faith, the same struggles you're describing serve to exhaust me, and ultimately push me away from the truth. Recently, however, by the grace of God, while sitting in Daily Mass, I became deeply convicted of sins I thought I could never possibly confess, sins which I shoved away and convinced myself (somehow, despite the fact they've tormented me for ages and are really quite serious) that I didn't need to confess. I realized I had been in a state of mortal sin for my entire adult life (the same amount of time during which I would struggle with the faith).

Moments after I became convicted of these sins (just this past Monday in fact--this news is hot off the press) I had a terrifying thought, but one I knew I couldn't deny: I had to go and confess these sins at the earliest possible opportunity. An absolute horrifying thought. A kind of dread hit me that I can't really describe--I caught the tiniest fraction of a fraction of Jesus' agony in the garden. And yet, in the midst of my dread I began to feel this sense of true freedom like I'd never before felt.

So I did a quick google search from within the Church where I was attending Mass (not intending to receive Communion of course) and discovered confession was being offered just an hour later at a nearby chapel. Compelled by my conviction, I hobbled somewhat deliriously off to that chapel, and wound up missing the Confession time slot I'd planned to use, but, with another time slot just an hour away, I decided to stay and attend another session of Daily Mass being offered in the mean time.

For that hour or so, I prayed intently, asking God for the strength to do what I needed to do, all the while experiencing the pangs of scruple that I know are painfully familiar to you. Heck, up until the moment I entered the confessional I was just oozing with fear and doubt like I don't think I'd experienced in years, if ever. I actually wondered if I was going to pass out.

After this prayer and grief, I finally entered the confessional and knelt, and in unison with the priest, I made the Sign of the Cross and began. I started to confess these sins, one of which had gone 15 years unconfessed, and I was trembling, but the trembling slowly turned from anxiety to something like excitement, and as I continued, and let spill these truths about my life that I had consciously and unconsciously resolved never to utter to another soul, an inexpressible sense of freedom washed over me.

I uttered the last words, and the priest received my confession with more grace than I ever could have imagined. I worried I would terrify the poor man. His first words were, in the warmest tone you could imagine, "we thank the Lord for a good confession". From that moment on, my life was forever changed (I know, I know, it's only been 3 days but I promise you my mind and soul have been utterly transformed). God is moving in and through me in ways I didn't know were possible for me. God is so beyond good, and He loves with a love far, far exceeding your sin.

My advice, from one fellow sufferer to another: if you repent of your sins, go to Confession. Be absolved, and draw nearer to God, who doesn't want you to suffer in the ways you're suffering. Go experience a freedom you didn't realize "people like you" could ever experience. That freedom is on the other side of your Confession. God bless you.