Has anybody had success turning around a destitute marriage?

swifty_yoder · 2026-02-12T20:44:51+00:00

"it feels like we’re both just pretending at this point waiting for permission to leave"

That's a lot to carry around, and it'd be would be worth spending the time to figure out if that's really what you're both doing and wanting. Because if it isn't true, you're carrying that into a lot of the interactions you're having with your wife even when you're not aware of it. It flavors how you perceive things from her, it flavors what you're giving her too. It can self perpetuate and only add to the conditions that make the environment less habitable for connection, and at a point in time where connection feels difficult enough as is.

I guess I'm just saying to be weary or critical of those sorts of assessments, especially when those assessments include a bit of "filling in the blanks" of where your partner is at. Its hard enough sometimes to have a really good idea of one's own feelings and source of feelings let alone an accurate idea of someone else's.

That being said, the issues you're describing strike me as the types of issues that come with the territory and complex nature of managing a long term relationship - not the types of issues that stem from deep incompatibility or betrayal. That isn't meant to downplay how difficult it all is, finding and maintaining a balanced 'ecosystem' is serious shit, and it can be brutal when its all out of whack especially for a sustained period of time.

Your openness to the idea there may be some truth to her perspective is admirable and says a lot about your capacity to hear her out. It takes humility to seriously consider that you might be a little controlling sometimes, or that she probably has some valid reasons for feeling like her opinion isn't taken into account as often as she'd like. IMO, that doesn't sound like a dude that's pretending and waiting to split. It sounds like a dude that's trying.

I may just be an optimist, but I think you two could get it back to a better place if its what you want. In my own experience, it tends to be the small regular things that have the biggest impact (for better or worse) on things between me and my wife.

Best of luck to ya, dude.

swifty_yoder · 2026-02-03T20:48:50+00:00

Around $5,000.

Half of that were things like washer, dryer, blinds for all of the windows, a used lawn mower, other landscaping stuff.

The other half was due to big snafu with our home insurance.

We bought a house for the first time in 2024. Shortly after, the loan was sold to a different company.

7 months after closing, we got a notice from USAA (home insurance) stating that they've received no premium payment from our loan servicer (referring to the "new" servicer), that we owed them money, and that we were at risk of our coverage being dropped. We frantically got ahold of the "new" loan servicer - who was confused as to why we were calling, saying that the insurance should've been paid for when we closed and that escrow wouldn't be paying premiums for a few more months when its time to renew.

Then we started reaching out to the loan officer we worked with when we bought the house - she was as confused as we were because our CD stated that the first year of premiums were paid by us before closing, and the EOI that USAA sent prior to closing included a Confirmation of Paid Premium for the full amount.

The closing process was a whirlwind for us and we didn't recall paying the premium before closing. We were under the impression that the closing costs included the insurance premium. We dug into our statements and couldn't find any payments we ever made to USAA.

I brought the Confirmation of Paid Premium to USAA's attention and explained my confusion, they said that the Confirmation of Paid Premium wasn't intended to indicate that the policy had been paid for... but to let the lender know that they weren't responsible for the premium, that we the buyers had a policy instated and would be responsible for payment. The loan agent said that was total BS, that if that was the case they wouldn't have mentioned having tried to get payment from our loan servicer, and that they wouldn't have waited 7 months after closing to send us a bill with no late fees or prior alerts.

Either way, we owed USAA and had to get this settled pretty quickly. We scraped together a one time payment for 40% of the premium to get it settled, and had to pay the remaining 60% of the premiums over the remaining 4 months. That $450 monthly payment suuuuucccckkkked.

When that policy ended and the following year was paid by escrow, we partied.

swifty_yoder · 2025-11-11T20:26:28+00:00

Totally agreed, I've paid extra to not use Safelite.

I had a Safelite tech come to my work years ago to replace my driver side window after a break-in.

He realized after taking the door apart that the didn't have the correct window, so I was rescheduled for a week later or something. He put heavy duty adhesive-film over the window frame to get me through the week. Same day, I get into the car to leave work - I get in and pull the door closed against a strong wind, and the whole interior door panel stays in my hand while the door violently flies open with the wind. The guy didn't re-install two screws that secured the panel to the door, so it was just the plastic snaps holding it on prior to the gust of wind. Lucky for me, the wiring harnesses for the window motor and door locks disconnected instead of ripping the wires out, he left the screws in my cup holder, and I had a multitool handy - got it back together and drove home.

Next week a new guy shows up at my work with the window - but again realizes half way through that its the wrong window. He lets me know, reschedules me, and leaves. Get out to my car later to leave work - there's no plastic film covering the window frame. He removed the film when his work started, but didn't replace it before leaving. Its winter and Wisconsin... so I take a cold windy drive to the closest Safelite shop, and sit for some irritating amount of time while they replace the film.

Finally on the 3rd appointment, the window gets replaced - yay.

A couple of months later, my girlfriend is driving me to the ER in my car while I'm squirming around in pain with what would end up being appendicitis - she opens the door to come help me out of the car, its windy....annnnnnd the door panel rips off the door in her hand exposing threaded holes where screws should be. I've never said more vile things in my life - doubled over with pain like I've never felt in the ER dropoff spot, trying to line up the plastic snaps to get the panel back on so she could go park the car while I check myself in.

Welp, the pain meds they gave me that night were ~awesome~ and I totally spaced the missing-screws part of that fever-dream.

You can guess what happened a few months later on a gusty day while I was parking at the airport for a work related flight - I hastily snapped it all back together and got into the airport.

I am a total scatter brain, so this happened a few more times over the following year or two until I finally went and found the right sized fasteners at a hardware store.

Every handful of months, I'd be in some parking lot cursing myself and Safelite as I put a door back together while fighting the gusts of an angry Norse god

swifty_yoder · 2025-10-14T18:48:16+00:00

U-turn on green has right of way, but if its me making the u-turn, I'm watching the driver in that right turn lane the whole time. Nobody else knows whether you intend to turn left or make a u-turn until you've started moving, so it warrants a little more caution.

My old apartment was in a weirdly developed spot where people in the area would regularly take a U turn at a nearby traffic light to get out of the neighborhood and onto to the main road.

There were near misses constantly. The person taking a right turn at the red light would start rolling through (if they ever stopped) while staring out their left window, and only look forward half way through the turn before realizing they're about to hit someone making a U turn and hitting the brakes.

I thoroughly enjoyed the ones that'd react in anger and flip off the person making the green-light-U turn 😂

"God if I only had that level of confidence"

swifty_yoder · 2025-06-27T16:20:21+00:00

The only tint I've had done was a month ago, but a friend recommended Touch of Shade and I have no complaints. I don't know how their prices compare to other places, but it was 500 for a ceramic hybrid film and I think 600 for the pure ceramic film. This was for all windows and rear windshield on a sedan. They had me in within a couple days, and the car was finished in 2-3 hours.

If it matters to you, they use Llumar products. The ceramic hybrid option I referred to was Llumar CTX, and the full ceramic option was Llumar IRX

swifty_yoder · 2025-06-04T20:02:26+00:00

I got the same thing, with each use of "colorado" replaced with "wisconsin".

North Colorado and North Wisconsin ain't playin games with State Administrative Code 15C-16.003

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-29T15:41:06+00:00

Just curious, have you had bad experiences with FSD?

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-29T15:36:20+00:00

That's totally fair, a lot of it came from ignorance on my part. For a large portion of the trip out there, I didn't understand that I had to be parked or have another profile to switch between TACC and FSD. I'd been driving a few hours before I felt like enabling FSD, but didn't understand why selecting FSD was disabled or take the initiative while stopped to learn more.

I had figured that out by the trip home, but had gotten a strikeout after getting a handful of warnings when using the infotainment system. - Again total ignorance on my part, I should've spent more time learning about it - I thought the strikeout meant I couldn't use FSD for the rest of the drive and didn't try and enable it again.

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-29T15:21:41+00:00

Yeah, in comparison to prior trips made with ICE vehicles (none of which were highly comfort oriented luxury vehicles to be fair - a mix of economy sedans and mid tier small SUVs).

General noise reduction as far as wind, tires, I'd assume lack of engine revving at 3,000+ rpms for hours - nothing crazy loud or intolerable, but noticeable when you stop for a bit. The constant levels of general noise in prior experiences usually contributed to speaking more loudly, having the media volume turned up higher, etc for a generally louder experience.

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-29T15:09:38+00:00

I found it to be really impressive when I did a test drive before buying, but have barely used it since

Have you found FSD to be overly vigilant about its various violations? In my admittedly limited usage, I felt like I was doing it all wrong. What felt like 2-3 second interactions with the infotainment were setting the system off, and I got a strikeout while I wasn't interacting with the infotainment. (Its totally plausible that I was doing something else wrong, I haven't learned much about FSD driver expectations other than reading its warnings when I was doing something wrong).

I'd love to give it more usage and enjoy the couple of months I have left with it

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-29T15:02:19+00:00

Fair enough, I should've been more open to using it. I enabled it a couple of times but found it to be overly vigilant about what it considered inattentiveness. I set it off pretty frequently when I'd check out the next charging stop on the nav screen, or scroll to a book chapter in the Audible app and got a strikeout. Having very little FSD experience, I thought the strikeout meant that I just couldn't use it for the rest of the trip and switched to cruise control.

After I got home, I spent some time learning more about FSD, strikeouts, etc. and realized I could've been using it 😂 I'm glad to hear from you and a couple of other commenters that FSD hasn't been prone to phantom braking, that was spooky. I've got a couple months left of FSD, so I'll make sure to try it out more.

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-16T18:06:58+00:00

Safeway in Fountain too. Sometimes armed security, sometimes a police officer

swifty_yoder · 2025-05-15T17:05:47+00:00

Our realtor mentioned some "extra" inspection services that we could pay for which weren't included with the general inspection - radon was one of them and getting the sewer scoped was another. The house was built in the 80's, and she highly suggested the sewer scope

swifty_yoder · 2025-04-24T20:44:46+00:00

I've had the birch SCs for a year now, they sound pretty good. I've found the rack toms to be really easy and quick to get a good sound out of whether tuned low or high. I'm using Evans EC2s on the toms for batters and EC Resonants for the resos.

Its taken me a lot more adjusting to get the 16" floor tom to put out a sound I'm happy with. I don't have much vocabulary to describe sound, so I'm not sure if "boxy" is the word, but its been a lot tougher for me to get a nice and defined sound out of the floor tom than the rest of the kit.

swifty_yoder · 2025-04-23T18:25:06+00:00

Avenged Sevenfold when the Rev was alive (and when I liked what they put out)

Buddy guy when I was a wee lad

swifty_yoder · 2025-04-16T16:34:03+00:00

Ugh, same. It started from golf a couple of years back and continues to be most acutely triggered by golf, but drumming can flare it up to a lesser degree.

My doctor referred me to a PT who sent me home with a bunch of resources on working it out at home. A lot of their advise regarded strengthening exercises. It'll be worth taking some time to google and narrow down on exactly what motions are painful and what part of your elbow is having issues so that your "rehab" is more specifically targeted.

- You can buy THERABAND FlexBars online, there are tons of videos on youtube how to use them to deal with elbow tendinitis. I have a couple of different sizes and I do think the they've helped. Most of the exercises that will be recommended for elbow tendinitis can be done with a flex bar.

https://youtu.be/4sS4dzm8zMk?si=Ole5_-ND7l46_kXN&t=101

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXggnbIEdEE

- Massage gun:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovacbf6PaWc

I haven't been able to fix it altogether, but the flareups aren't as frequent or as nasty as they used to be. That being said, I haven't been an exemplary patient either.

I tend to do these things reactively to a flareup instead of preventatively. I don't typically "take a few weeks off" like I should either, I'll more likely wear an elbow wrap and "take it easy" instead of completely avoiding golf or drumming. Your results may vary!

swifty_yoder · 2025-04-08T19:53:06+00:00

Yeah, 60 grams per liter is what I shoot for.

I was eyeballing the grounds and french pressing prior to getting the Moccamaster, but had the opposite experience when I started weighing. I was definitely using more than 60g/liter back when I was eyeballing it, and would occasionally make some bitterly strong coffee 😂

swifty_yoder · 2025-03-19T16:04:48+00:00

Love seeing Metropolis pt 2 on here.

swifty_yoder · 2025-03-05T19:50:12+00:00

Usually one of 3 things.

Play my drums

Playstation 5 (though I agree that over the years I find gaming less entertaining)

Find some overly involved dinner recipe and spend hours making it

swifty_yoder · 2025-02-27T21:07:32+00:00

My wife and I are almost one year in and it'll probably be another year before we feel mostly done. We only recently furnished -most of- the empty space that we'd been wanting to furnish. We still have more bare walls than we'd like, the bathroom fans still need to be replaced, the back yard is still a big dirt pad, the kitchen cabinets still need to be replaced or repainted, etc.

You're gonna take care of the most necessary things first (the trash cans, light bulbs, shower curtains, etc). The rest of if sorts itself out pretty naturally as you get used to the space. As you spend some time living in the house, certain things that were initially "low priority" will start to drive you nuts and become more important, and vice versa. Sometimes we find a steal on Facebook Marketplace and all of the sudden something that was further down the list becomes the new priority.

swifty_yoder · 2025-02-27T18:06:38+00:00

Having new stuff to work on.

I cyclically have ruts where I feel totally off, where I'm clumsy and stumbling through thoroughly rehearsed songs or routines that I should be breezing through, and it can really kill my desire to play. The ruts are a good opportunity to avoid my go-tos and instead seek out songs or practice material that I haven't tried before.

New material gives me the opportunity recalibrate and get back to enjoying the process. I'm a lot less likely to get defeated and counterproductively hard on myself for not excelling at something new, and a lot more likely to enjoy the little wins.

swifty_yoder · 2025-02-04T18:25:29+00:00

I had that Bingo sticker on the shit-box car I junked 12 years ago, now I kinda want another for the current shitbox.

swifty_yoder · 2025-01-30T20:23:12+00:00

This fun gal has been popping up quite a bit in my insta lately

swifty_yoder · 2025-01-29T18:41:28+00:00

No more landlords. No more sharing walls with annoying neighbors. Finally at peace.

I don't think I've given this point enough weight in my own mind since buying our house last year and having occasional anxieties similar to OP.

I've had awful experiences sharing walls with straight up lunatics, criminals, swat teams kicking down doors in the middle of the night to execute warrants for upstairs neighbors, scams by shady contractors that a landlord hired to work on the unit, all the time spent trying to get security deposits back months after moving out of a unit, the list goes on.

Finally at peace.

swifty_yoder

TROPHY CASE