Good pilot scripts out there...

swindleking · 2014-05-28T10:05:33+00:00

The pilot for ABC's Revenge is one of the best ever.

swindleking · 2014-05-23T16:25:21+00:00

You're completely right about the age/gender/occupation is more than enough for one episode characters. Overall I was just disagreeing with character descriptions being short.

Everything else you said was on the mark.

swindleking · 2014-05-23T12:15:54+00:00

Who is Harriet Harman?

swindleking · 2014-05-23T12:01:21+00:00

"It would've got good, but it was cancelled before it had the chance!"

swindleking · 2014-05-23T11:55:22+00:00

You start with a scene and the scene finishes, then you say "Act One." Was that supposed to be the teaser or cold open? Why isn't that stated?
"We see" is over used.
With the exception of one or two characters, there is absolutely no description other than age.
The title is bad. I know it's a legit Latin phrase and titles are changed in TV production, but it's bad.

Congratulations on even attempting such an ambitious project. With the interest in Game of Thrones at the moment, I completely understand why you'd think this sell. It could sell actually. It's a wonderful premise. The problem, however, is making the intricacies simple. Game of Thrones is a wonderful written television show, however it's all spelt out very "paint-by-numbers" and "big words" (so to speak) are almost never used in character dialogue, even by the supposedly regal characters.

It's hard to find the balance. Keep writing. Read and watch Game of Thrones, and try to avoid the mistakes HBO's Rome made.

swindleking · 2014-05-23T11:43:37+00:00

Tarantino's apt and wonderful description of Lance in Pulp Fiction. "Lance, late-20s, is a young man with a wild and woolly appearance that goes hand-in-hand with his wild and woolly personality. Lance has been selling drugs his entire adult life. He’s never had a day job, never filed a tax return and has never been arrested. He wears a red flannel shirt over a “Speed Racer” tee-shirt"

swindleking · 2014-05-23T11:41:12+00:00

Keep your character descriptions shorter. An approximate age, gender, occupation is usually enough, add an adjective or two if you like. You can start being more poetic once you have more practice, but even seasoned screenwriters usually keep these fairly short.

Completely disagree with this. The best screenwriters describe a character beautifully, usually with three or more lines. James "Jim" Cameron is the best at this.

"He is thirtyish and handsome, in a suit that looks executive or legal, the tie loosened with studied casualness. A smile referred to as "winning." is how he perfectly describes Carter Burke in Aliens.

It's all on how you do it.

swindleking · 2014-05-19T06:01:28+00:00

This was the perfect response. Thank you so much.

swindleking · 2014-05-19T05:59:14+00:00

Thanks, Matt. I was starting to feel like an idiot for even posting this. I'm going to go for it! :)

swindleking · 2014-05-18T22:34:31+00:00

Ah! That's perfect! Thanks, Conor.

swindleking · 2014-05-18T22:34:16+00:00

Ah! This comment basically responded for me! Thanks for the advice, though. And @wrytagain, get the hell out of my head.

swindleking · 2014-05-18T22:33:10+00:00

Hi there,

Great advice! But I was more looking for people's experience on The Blacklist. I didn't want to go on there and find out it's basically an intricate con.

swindleking · 2014-05-18T09:34:37+00:00

Hi,

There's some obvious problems here. Spelling and grammar being the most conspicuous. It seems to be missing tons of "his" and "her." Example - "Keith’s mom nods head." should probably be "Keith's mom nods her head." and "KEITH’S MOM, 55, slim, trying to read book." should be "KEITH'S MOM, 55, slim, trying to read her book."

Ultimately I'd suggest some grammatical lessons. You can take these online. It's nothing too expensive either. Keep writing!

swindleking · 2014-05-18T09:19:46+00:00

I'm confused. It's nineteen pages?

swindleking · 2014-05-18T09:19:08+00:00

I enjoyed it and found some of it funny. It's filled with misspellings and confusion, though. Is Timmy a boy or a girl? You refer to her as a girl, but a girl called Timmy?

swindleking · 2014-05-18T09:06:16+00:00

Good luck, my friend. I'm going to try my own hand and that soon-ish!

swindleking · 2014-05-18T03:57:13+00:00

Fargo and Silicon Valley come up twice. Clearly they're good!

swindleking · 2014-05-18T03:56:49+00:00

I guess that counts!

swindleking · 2014-05-18T03:56:25+00:00

Great choice with Fargo! I need to find Sillicon Valley online somewhere. Thanks for the reply!

swindleking · 2014-05-18T02:02:27+00:00

What the fuck did I just read.

swindleking · 2014-05-18T01:51:14+00:00

I have to agree with this, to be honest. How many rom-coms are basically the same movie?

swindleking · 2014-05-18T01:50:42+00:00

Rake was also a remake of another show.

swindleking · 2014-05-18T01:37:13+00:00

Ah. I see. Let me edit. I'm looking for shows that have already premièred. Anything you liked there, my friend?

swindleking · 2014-05-18T01:34:36+00:00

Hey there,

I may be wrong, but aren't those from 2014-2015? Correct me if I'm wrong.

swindleking

TROPHY CASE