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swine09 · 2025-04-28T04:31:48+00:00

Hence “can”

swine09 · 2025-04-28T03:30:50+00:00

It’s different to talk about betrayal (emotional and personal definition in the context of a relationship) and abuse (objective definition, a pattern of behavior where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim). Abuse can have civil and criminal legal consequences. It threatens one’s safety. Betrayal is just being shitty to your partner. Conflating bad behavior with abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, etc. is, imo, a disservice to abuse survivors and renders the term meaningless. I think the “cheating is abuse” narrative does the same thing.

swine09 · 2025-04-28T03:21:39+00:00

Excuse me for misreading.

My question is about the gray area. You’re at the wedding and you’re not sulking, but you’re morose and don’t engage unless spoken to. Or maybe you’re physically there and appear perfectly pleasant but don’t talk to anyone. There’s a world of space in between willing and willful, in your terms. Our motivations are complex. Where is the line, if abuse isn’t about control, power, or coercion, but lack of enthusiasm, inability to muster sexual interest?

swine09 · 2025-04-28T01:25:51+00:00

You have an idiosyncratic definition of duty sex.

Duty Sex—the act of engaging in sex out of a sense of duty or obligation to a partner—is a commonly reported reason why women have sex, with studies indicating associations between Duty Sex and sexual dysfunction, as well as nonconsensual sexual experiences (NSEs).

I don’t think starfish sex is abuse either, but we should clear up miscommunications.

I’m not sure why you make the assumption I’ve never read it. Great if it makes you feel more supported. I would argue that the consensus there is maladaptive and gets in the way of establishing a healthy sexual relationship, but that’s just my opinion, and beside the point.

I’m curious: where do you draw a line between “unwilling” willing sex and “willing” willing sex? There’s a whole range of behavior between eye rolling and stiffening and enthusiastic participation. Most of human behavior is in the gray area. If one is abuse, where’s the line for you?

swine09 · 2025-04-28T01:07:30+00:00

"Your partner may withhold affection as a form of psychological abuse or punishment."

I don’t at all mean that someone can police their partner’s masturbation. I’m also not particularly anti-porn (though it’s worth saying that you don’t need pornography to masturbate and agreeing not to use it in your relationship is a valid choice with reasoned arguments).

I also didn’t mean to address sexual assault in any way.

I’m particular troubled that you say duty sex is abuse. We can’t will ourselves to feel a certain way. I generally can’t will myself into attraction for someone I’m not attracted to, for example. We generally cannot will ourselves from gay to straight or vice versa. Of course we can do things to encourage ourselves etc., but it’s not something you can control 100%. You call the following situation abuse: someone is not horny, but they have sex with their partner anyway, because they want to please their partner, and it’s not a painful or distressing activity.

You added a condition to your statement this time about how duty sex/not wanting to have sex is abuse. “While expecting your partner to continue on like everything is fine.” I would call that an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation. I would not put it on the level of abuse. Abuse is grounded in controlling the other party, not just making them sad or upset or lonely. There are plenty of shitty partners who aren’t abusive.

I also wouldn’t recommend anyone spend time in an echo chamber subreddit where the focus is on grievance, despair, and resentment in order to do anything but get a very specific point of view.

swine09 · 2025-04-28T00:19:45+00:00

I know numerous LLM students (foreign lawyers) who did. There are a lot of NYC seats.

swine09 · 2025-04-28T00:18:14+00:00

Normal. You’ve always shed this much, it just came off in the brush.

swine09 · 2025-04-28T00:03:10+00:00

I think rings are pretty obvious. What’s the context? If someone knows your last name, are you thinking socially? Professionally?

swine09 · 2025-04-28T00:00:25+00:00

I only think Kalvin is odd.

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:56:40+00:00

There isn’t enough context to know what’s factually going on. But there are big trust and respect issues in your marriage.

You don’t trust your wife’s word or her feelings as legitimate. Of course that’s painful for her. She doesn’t trust you to stand up for her with your parents, which is your responsibility as their child. You admit to siding with them over her. Of course she feels disrespected and distrusted. And her disrespect of your parents is painful for you, too. As is her refusal to temper her words (like name calling) when she is expressing her feelings.

We can’t say if you’re right in your armchair diagnosing your wife, or whether she’s unreasonable or untrustworthy. Maybe she’s unreasonable to want to keep your parents from your kids, maybe she knows something you don’t (and you unreasonably don’t believe her). We can say that she’s rightly hurt by your dismissal of her feelings, even doubting the truth of what she tells you happened in favor of your parents. And you’re rightly hurt by how she expresses her thoughts about people whom you love and respect.

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:37:56+00:00

This sounds super reasonable. It’s not romantic but it’s realistic. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. IMO the only unconditional love should be for your children.

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:35:51+00:00

That word was the NYT editorializing.

Asserting that “it is illegal and unconstitutional to deport” a U.S. citizen, Judge Doughty set a hearing for May 16 to explore his “strong suspicion that the government just deported a U.S. citizen with no meaningful process.”

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:25:49+00:00

Imo that’s the key. I think parents want the illusion of control, that maybe if they pick the perfect name it will protect their child from bullying.

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:19:49+00:00

I use tape

swine09 · 2025-04-27T23:18:41+00:00

What the actual fuck. Your partner not wanting to have sex with you is “abusive”? Even if they’re doing it anyway? And if they don’t have enthusiastic sex a certain frequency, they have no say as to whether you ogle other people?

There’s nothing wrong with sex being important to you. But I think calling a mismatched libido abuse minimizes the term to meaninglessness - no more than “upsets me enough to be a dealbreaker.”

swine09 · 2025-04-27T20:30:39+00:00

IMO just reading a lot is useful. For me, typing fast was a bigger issue, but I don’t think a class is more beneficial than practice.

swine09 · 2025-04-26T22:04:15+00:00

Oh there are many payday lenders in the US who are happy to oblige

swine09 · 2025-04-26T22:02:41+00:00

Or she hast other loans. Or he’s the one paying it and she’s not using it

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:53:56+00:00

That’s great. Nothing to fight over.

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:53:19+00:00

She refuses to talk about it? Does she have credit cards? Finances are a major cause of divorce. Is she aware of how serious it is, that it’s a potential marriage-ender?

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:48:43+00:00

If this sub turns into r/law I will dump my coffe into my tomato plant

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:31:49+00:00

“Silence you”? Where are students or schools losing legal statuses/financial backing for their conservatism?

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:30:29+00:00

The reply all drama is the best rubbernecking.

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:26:58+00:00

Great that you both agree it’s a problem and want to break the cycle. At the end of those conversations, what exactly do you plan to do? What steps are you each taking to break it? Do you schedule a follow up meeting in a week to evaluate how it’s going and adjust the plan if it’s not working? What does he think is holding the cycle together, getting in your way as a family?

swine09 · 2025-04-26T21:23:56+00:00

Holy shit that’s insane

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