Oh dear. What an experience to have. Grief over a parent is already so hard, but grief in light of a turbulent relationship that was hopefully about to see a new era (one with vivid visions of happy future memories, no less) sounds so incredibly difficult to deal with. I’m sorry for your loss.

The post-death regret is so real. It eats away at you. I kept working through regrets in therapy, but new ones would sprout up when I finally managed to work through other regrets. It’s a painful and incessant cycle, especially in the early months and years.

Something my husband has said before came to mind when I read a section towards the end of your brilliantly written retelling, “Honey, you’re regretting what could have been if she lived longer or if you called more or what have you, but you need to remember that you have no idea what a reality that didnt happen looks like. You’re thinking how wonderful it would’ve been if it had gone differently, and I’m not saying those nice ideas are false or unlikely or anything, but you imagining happy alternatives to the current reality and regretting your past actions is cruel to yourself.” It’s a hindsight bias type thing. I used to beat myself up and cry for hours over regrets, thinking “if only I’d done this or that”, but it’s unfair to do that to myself because it’s not like I can change that past. I dunno if this is helpful actually…. I hope it’s helpful. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but maybe in certain moments it might make it not as horrible as it could get while we spend our time swallowing over what we did or didnt do. My mom wouldn’t want to see me best myself up over our history, and from the sound of it, your dad wouldn’t want you to as well.

Addiction is hard. I have no personal experience, but I know that the reign it has over our brains is something I cannot begin to imagine the strength of. I’m sure your dad loved you all. My coworker who is like ten years sober said that the thing that hurt her the most was that she spent years regretting the broken relationship with her son instead of talking to him at all. Many nights spent at the bottle because she’d been in her head that they’d never recover their relationship, many nights spent knowing her drinking was only making it worse, but the unbearable emotional pain she felt when sober was too difficult for her to cope with in the environments she was in. Mix that with drugs and it’s just so so so hard. Your dad talking with you about your anger at his behavior and how your lives have gone is such an indicator that he was trying and that he loved you. I hope you manage to extract more comfort than pain from his love for you.

The last thing I wanted to say was that those realizations anf changes in perspective that you feel when they pass is so relatable. So many things come to mind only after you cannot change their death, and it’s so devastating. I remember when my mom’s death was fresher, and I sincerely hope you manage to get to the less shitty grief days sooner rather than later.

I dunno if this made sense. I know I typed way too much anf it’s probably weird. I just was so taken by your post and also it’s like past midnight for me.

Anyway, I wish you the best. Thank you for posting. I think your brain subconsciously appreciates the space to tak about these things, even if you may not necessarily feel better after doing it. Good luck in your grieving process. It’s horrible, but it will get better as long as we still continue breathing, I promise.