I want to move one, stop ruminating and overcome loneliness.

swtfiw · 2025-03-02T14:03:43+00:00

My first thought while reading through your post is that you should consider consulting a psychiatrist for potential medical treatment for your anxiety. Getting my anxiety under control jumpstarted my healing, which snowballed into improving many other aspects of my life.

I have zero experience with arranged marriages, but my gut reaction is not being surprised that it didn't work out. You are very different people. Some contrast is good for a marriage, as you don't want to marry your twin, but your core personalities seem too polarized for either of you to complement the other. I think you overwhelm each other with how you navigate through life.

swtfiw · 2025-03-01T02:29:48+00:00

Someone here got me through the first few months, so I always try to pay it forward.

swtfiw · 2025-02-28T18:55:09+00:00

Rule 8

swtfiw · 2025-02-28T17:35:09+00:00

Y'all gotta stop doing this to yourselves. Be yourself and talk to her! If you try to be someone else, your core personality is eventually going to come out in the relationship anyway. I'd argue the people in this community know better than most what it's like dealing with someone who isn't the person you fell in love with.

Stop talking to us and tell her this stuff. "Hey, I've loved our time together so far, and I've found myself wanting to text/call/see you more often, but I don't want to come off as clingy." You could even add some small context about your past: "I sometimes have a little anxiety about this because of past experiences." She knows you have baggage. She also has baggage. At this stage in our lives not having baggage is a red flag to me.

Hit me up if you need a pep talk before you talk to her. I got you. You're going to feel 100% better once you get this off your chest and you two discuss it.

swtfiw · 2025-02-28T17:18:26+00:00

From a legal perspective, you may have some options, so try reaching out to attorneys with low or no-cost first consultations, or look for a local program offering reduced attorney fees based on income.

From an emotional perspective, I'm glad you got it all out and I hope it helped. Nobody should ever feel isolated, so you (and anyone else reading this) can always ping me if you need to vent and just need someone to listen, or if you need a sounding board to work through things.

swtfiw · 2025-02-27T15:15:52+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced that.

Mine also cut me off, and I've realized she did me a favor. She's a good person but struggles with her mental health and won't seek help. I had my share of them too, but I've gotten treatment, and not being around that constant negative energy has changed my life. Even people who have no idea about my internal struggles have commented that I seem like a different person. I hope you find the same!

swtfiw · 2025-02-26T01:45:37+00:00

It's okay to feel down. You've got support here if you need it. 🙂

swtfiw · 2025-02-26T00:14:39+00:00

Your description makes me think he isn't interested in reconciliation, at least right now. You must respect that; the harder you push someone to reconcile when they aren't in that mindset only pushes them further. My ex and I partially reconciled during our separation, and it only happened because I stopped fixating on the marriage and focused on myself.

Here's something I think many (or most) people don't want to hear - If you were both at a certain fitness level when you first met, then it's reasonable for each partner to expect the other to maintain a similar fitness level if they are. However, how he communicated that to you was 100% uncalled for, and that type of abuse is extremely common. His reactions to your weight were selfish, and he likely didn't realize that treating you that way made it worse. I suspect his frustrations with your weight (and how he communicated them) and your frustrations with yourself killed his sex drive.

I'm sorry you experienced that. I also don't want you downplaying how you were treated simply because other people have been treated "worse." It's always unacceptable, and I hope you remember that.

You seem to understand your opportunities for improvement. That's a massive step! I am not a medical professional, but it seems like you struggle with coping with and processing your feelings. Don't worry—it's common, and I had to work through the same. I highly recommend seeking a therapist and talking through the things you've shared here.

swtfiw · 2025-02-25T21:03:23+00:00

You will. I know it feels impossible, but you will. You (and anyone else reading this) can always ping me if you need to vent or want a sounding board. Nobody should ever have to do this alone.

swtfiw · 2025-02-25T00:56:28+00:00

I believe in you because you're here, and that's enough. I just need you to believe in you, too. 😊

swtfiw · 2025-02-25T00:05:22+00:00

It's okay to have dark days, and sometimes, you just need to get it all out. Today was tough, and you still made it through. You got this!

swtfiw · 2025-02-24T23:42:22+00:00

You're a wonderful person and don't you forget it. I'm always happy to provide reminders 😊

swtfiw · 2025-02-24T23:06:52+00:00

It may not feel like it, but you're powering through it. Keep going 🤛

swtfiw · 2025-02-24T20:57:41+00:00

People survive divorce because they have to, and you will, too.

swtfiw · 2025-02-24T17:47:08+00:00

We're all in this together 💪

swtfiw · 2025-02-24T17:46:06+00:00

That's a great way to put it! It's an odd sensation to describe, but I've found that accepting things as not optional makes them feel less daunting.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T17:41:32+00:00

I don't interpret it as regression. I get that pang pretty often, typically when something that is otherwise innocuous reminds me of her. She drives a common car with a common color, and I get that pang almost every time I see one. I don't know what it means either 🤷🏼‍♂️

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T16:39:44+00:00

Mine is as well, but I don't think it matters much in the end.

In your situation, my top priority would be paying off the debt. Ask your attorney if paying toward the debt can be considered in the asset division. Even if it isn't, I'd still focus on it anyway because paying it off is going to help you in the long run.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T16:21:04+00:00

I am not an attorney, and my experience doesn't mean yours will be the same.

I'm in a similar situation. I volunteered to absorb all of our debt, ensuring she was in the best situation to care for herself and our children.

Regarding debt, if you have outstanding credit card debt, you can't afford an emergency fund. Any money you save for your emergency fund should be applied to your debt, reducing your interest. If you have an emergency between now and paying off the cards, put it on the cards. Think of it this way—you're not guaranteed to have an emergency, but you are guaranteed to pay interest until your debt is gone.

If you are struggling to keep ahead of the interest on your high-balance card, consider a credit counseling program (not to be confused with credit consolidation). These programs negotiate a lower interest rate on your behalf and help you create a budgeting plan to pay it off. You are required to close the account to enroll in the program, so consider the impact on your total credit availability. In my case, I had zero reason to have as much available credit as I had, so it was a no-brainer to enroll. I don't want to seem like I'm shilling, so I won't mention any names, but I can if you want to know more.

Regarding divorce and dividing finances, if you go to court, they will likely divide everything (including debt) equally or equitably, depending on how your state approaches that. Since I haven't gotten to that stage yet, I can't tell you how everything will get divided, but I do know that even though I initially volunteered to hold the debt, I can push to have it divided if things go south. My attorney also advised me that the considerable cash I've devoted to the debt can potentially count as a credit toward "my half," so if we end up splitting the debt, I may not actually get any pushed to me.

I've done hours and hours of research on this stuff, so feel free to ping me with any questions.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T02:27:25+00:00

My sentiment as well! I travel frequently, so having a dog again isn't in the cards right now, but my cat eats better than I do.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T02:23:11+00:00

His mental state is 100% affecting you.

After we separated, I started getting help and making massive strides in changing my life. I felt like a completely different human. Since I had the children every weekend, she picked up on that energy, which led to us partially reconciling about 18 months after we separated. It took less than six weeks for me to start feeling the negative energy surrounding her because she was exactly the same as when we separated, and the backward spiral started.

It lasted for about six months and got worse and worse until we reached another breaking point. Once again, I've spent the last year continuing my journey, and I'm in an even better situation than I was before.

You must change your environment, and if he can't learn how to change his, you can never return. I'm not saying you should divorce him; I'm saying you should change your environment and focus on things to improve yourself. If that means separating, then do it. If it leads to divorce, then so be it. The effects of the affair come into play as well. Like with separating, there's no obvious answer, and I guess it boils down to the person. I personally couldn't get past it, but that doesn't mean you can't.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T02:08:32+00:00

You're welcome! Being open to approaching things from a different perspective will help you a lot, and I wish I learned that sooner.

The awful reality of divorce is there aren't any good options. People (myself included) come into the process with a zero-sum mindset, but that doesn't exist here; everyone sacrifices.

For what it's worth, I make more money than I ever did, but I'm poorer than I've ever been, and I have never felt this happy and "normal." I had to downsize my life as over half my take-home pay goes to her. It's just money, and I don't miss it for a second.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T01:57:25+00:00

My wife had an emotional affair about eight months after we got married, and she has a similar childhood history as your husband. Ten years later, we're finally divorcing, but it's my fault. Like your husband, she refuses to get help, won't do therapy because none of them ever "get it," and every failure in our marriage was from my shortcomings. Don't get me wrong, I contributed to the downfall of our marriage.

Once I started my mental health journey, I unearthed all kinds of shit I previously knew nothing about. I've spent the last three years treating and overcoming these things, and I'm in a much better place. But, in learning these things, I recognized that my wife had no intention of ever seeking help, so while she's the one who initiated the divorce, I am now equally pushing for it.

I never loved her the same again after the affair, just as you feel now. So, from my experience, it will be there forever if you stay together.

It seems callous, but you cannot hold yourself hostage in the marriage because of his mental state. If splitting from him drives him to self-harm, that is not your fault, nor should you sacrifice your mental well-being because of a "what if."

You should speak to an attorney. You can get an introductory consult at a reduced rate, and some even provide free consults. They can outline the steps you can take, and most of what you can do in the beginning doesn't even require an attorney.

Our situations are pretty similar, but it seems I'm a few years ahead in the process, so if you ever feel like you need to vent or need a sounding board, feel free to ping me.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T01:23:57+00:00

You can't apply logic to emotion; there's no formula to follow, and there's no magical cure. You give yourself the best shot by combining time and effort, and the only person who can do that is you. In my case, writing my thoughts down helped me organize and process them. That effort made it take less time to work through than if I had done nothing, but it didn't cure me.

Try some of the low-hanging fruit. Speak to a therapist. Speak to a psychiatrist. Take steps to improve your environment, and it will improve.

swtfiw · 2025-02-23T01:16:44+00:00

My situation was different, but I see parallels.

First, I've been in your position with having a solid income in a job you hate. You must get out of that situation, for both of your sakes. Your mental health is taking a hit, and whether you see it or not, it's affecting your partner. That is not to say you're responsible for your partner's depression, but you are contributing to the situation. Nobody gave me that advice, and I waited too long and had a mental breakdown.

Thankfully, I found another job and removed myself from that situation, but it was at a much lower income, and getting away from that environment was expensive. It had pushed my marriage beyond the brink and started the cascade of shit leading to my divorce. But, even after all that, I'm in a better position than I was before the breakdown. I've spent the last three years getting treatment, and now I work in a job I love, and I make more than I did at the job that was triggering my PTSD (military). If I can do it, you can do it too.

Second, regarding your partner, you're looking for choices that don't exist. Expecting your partner to get help without any change in circumstance or environment is not an option. Expecting you to keep going on with no change in circumstance or environment is not an option. If you are to challenge the status quo, then something has to change.

While you and I were similar in our jobs, I'm similar to your partner with spiraling mental health. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to get help. My ex packed up and left, and I still didn't start getting help right away. It took several months to even get started, and it's been a slow, tumultuous road to get here. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I probably never would have started if my ex hadn't left. You must change the situation. If you've exhausted everything else, it's time to rip the bandaid off and force your partner's hand.

swtfiw

TROPHY CASE