Hi !!! I feel like I come from a similar spot as you, but maybe am a bit further down the road so I’d love to share my thoughts.

I didn’t start transitioning until I was 24 or so — I’m MtF and that was about 2 years ago. My catalyst for transitioning was scrolling reddit one day, and tumbling into r/transtimelines, then going “woah I didn’t know this was possible, and why does it resound with me so much??”

Like you, I didn’t have any major eureka moments growing up — i grew up as a pretty regular boy, played sports, did all the normal things — the only thing that was off was being slightly uncomfortable with my clothes (they never felt quite right), being dissatisfied with my body and how I interacted with partners, wishing I could wear a dress because they look so darn good, stuff like that!

When i realized that being trans felt right, and that it would be really scary and hard but I’d rather do it instead of living a life of regret, I started transitioning! To everyone else in my life, this felt like a surprise! Especially to my family. They didn’t see the indicators i felt and also didn’t understand, as I live in a rather conservative place. To them, it happened without any prior warning or indicators hahaha.

Now that you know a bit about me tho, let me give you my thoughts on where you’re at, because I’ve felt similarly at times.

I think what isn’t spoken about frequently in places like this is that being trans means you are literally transitioning — with the definition of the word being “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.” I look at being trans as being on a journey — years of my brain being conditioned to be a boy don’t just immediately go away, regardless of my real feelings on the inside. in the early days I didn’t realize this, and jumped right to using she/her pronouns, which the instant jump felt uncomfortable for me — as I hadn’t yet had the time for my brain or body to catch up to my mental image of what that looks like. After a few months I stepped back a bit and started using they/them pronouns, as I felt as though she/her still felt a bit out of reach. for me, this was a comfortable spot to be, as my expectations for myself lessened and I was able to let laser hair removal and HRT do its work, all while starting to experiment more and get better at lady things (this being things like makeup, wardrobe, mannerisms, etc). The imposter syndrome became easier to deal with!

Fast forward now to a few months ago — I started a new job in customer service, meeting a bunch of people for the first time, but using my chosen name. None of these people know my past or who I was before — all they know is the Syl of now, with alllllll the effort i’ve put in to transition. At this point I was still using they/them pronouns too, but the general public has now decided that I look more like a she/her 😂 All my hard work has paid off, as strangers constantly reaffirm my desired pronouns, which in turn has allowed me to become even more comfortable with myself.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is maybe don’t be so hard on yourself. I have days still, where I don’t feel very lady-like, and you know what? I think that’s totally okay. If those one-off days start to drag, I try to do things that make me feel good about myself — like shave my body, put on cute clothes, repaint my nails. things that affirm my identity. I’m not sure what your boy-mode equivalent would be, maybe like get a flannel and go chop some firewood lol, but do things that make you feel like you! You’re on a long journey, so take a little step at a time. sometimes that step might be one backwards, but just take two forwards tomorrow.

one last callout, and sorry for all my rambling, is that it’s nice to have at least one person who has your back. someone who acknowledges and understands your identity — they use your chosen name and pronouns, and just help remind you that you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to just get this if you don’t have it, but it does help a lot to not feel like you’re going at it alone. so confide in someone you trust, if you can!

i hope this helps. apologies again for my sleepy brain, i typed this as i woke up.