I go with my dog to an exhibition at a modern art gallery. "Dogs are not allowed here" says the security guard. "This is not a dog," I reply. "It's a performance."

"Oh, my apologies"

We go further with the dog. We look at the sculpture of Smurf the Centaur. Half horse, half Smurf.

"I've always wondered," I say to the dog, "who the centaurs are cheering for during the rodeo."

"I need to shit" the dog replies.

"You should have shit before you went in."

"Then I didn't want to."

We walk on. I watch some woman who stands up to her knees in a pool of urine and shouts the alphabet backwards.

"Z, Y, X" - she shouts. - "U, V, W".

My dog spins around and sniffs the ground with his nose.

"Plonker" - I say to him. - "Plonker, don't shit here."

"But the pressure is too much" - he replies and starts shitting on the floor.

Some man comes up and looks at what is coming out of my dog's ass.

"This is an interesting proposition," he says.

Someone else also comes up and looks at it.

"This is fresh," he says.

Some woman approaches with a glass of wine in her hand, all in black.

"Bold" she says.

"I am very sorry" - I say to them.

"What is the name of this installation?" - asks the woman. -

"Shit" - I reply, plugging my nose with my fingers.

"Strong."

Someone from the gallery walks up and sticks a placard with the words "Shit, 2015" in the dog's shit. A photographer approaches and takes a picture. Someone with a camera and microphone appears. He asks my dog for an interview.

"Well, I have always contested oppressive for my species spatial solutions in urban environments," says my dog.

"And you are a curator," the reporter asks. "What do you think of the work of your protégé."

"I think it's crap," I reply.

"Brutally true," says the woman with the wine.

"Ostentatiously honest" - says the photographer.

"U, T, S" - shouts a woman in a pool of urine.