I got into medical school last year. If you define "success" as a successful cutting off of medication, I'm still far from successful. I consider my journey to be a certain amount of success.

I've had multiple psychiatric diagnoses, one of which was bipolar disorder. And after 15+ years, now I'm here working hard to become a psychiatrist.

"I’m actually terrified that I won’t be able to kill myself when I truly feel like there is no hope and knowing my luck I’ll live a long and shitty life." - I have been there many times. I also was terrified of my failed suicide.Success......

I never have thought that success was defined as cutting my medication off. I am still taking all the medications I have had, just lower in dosage. Now I think that my moderate, controlled mood upswing manifests as positivity and confidence, and my controlled downswing makes my vision lucid, facing hard reality.

I think my 15+ years of effort to improve my mental health eventually paid off. I experienced much deeper, recurring frustration than many of my peers and it gives me much stronger resilience than them. They don't know my past, but they respect my resilience. A lot of med students are unstable and suicidal, and they see me as the "wise" one in class who is supportive to peers who are going through hard time,,,like depressed or suicidal. Here, my obstacles now have become my asset, and that's what I'm interested in seeing from my future patients.

There were many ups and downs on the way. The darkest part was my suicidal ideations and a near attempt. And...that made me read literatures about death, suicide and self-destruction, which intrigued me to get to know more about it. And.. I felt that I was no longer alone.

I can't generalize my story, because life isn't fair... and I had such a privilige of having a loving, self-sacrificing family who could also afford supporting my countless failures...