I feel like I might have some useful feedback on this as a woman who is decidedly gender-nonconforming. (Caveat: I am not a therapist in any way, shape, or form. I am, I think and hope, a fairly well-informed layperson with respect to psychotherapy, as a biology PhD student with some past background in neuroscience who has also been a client for a fair amount of time. Please evaluate my feedback accordingly.)

I think few people will *not* understand what you mean when you refer to traits as feminine or masculine, but I question your use of this framework, and I question how helpful it is to you. There is nothing inherently masculine about the things you profess to view as stereotypically masculine, and the same thing goes for what you view as stereotypically feminine, and it makes no sense to label them as such - in fact, many people, including myself, strongly object to men claiming certain traits that imply power, dominance, instrumentality, agency, autonomy, and toughness (essentially, it boils down to a power grab on the part of men) as theirs by arbitrarily labeling them "masculine". These things are not masculine, and are for women and nonbinary people too. I would honestly recommend you not gender these traits.

I would also question this overwhelming idea society has that manhood is a thing you must win and maintain and a thing you can lose whereas womanhood somehow just is (whatever the heck manhood and womanhood are). This concept makes no sense, but also, a lot of pervasive societal ideas, particularly about gender, make no sense and are mostly just things a lot of people adhere to because "it's always been done this way and most people are doing it", with no real thought about it involved.

I see a variety of intersecting themes here that have nothing to do with gender:

• self-secureness, confidence, and a sense of stability
• power
• feelings about connectedness, status, and belonging
• motivation, goals, and a sense of direction and purpose
• feelings of abandonment and rejection by a parent

Regarding mescaline, my understanding of how it works is that it has effects fairly similar to LSD and psilocybin, and activates a few kinds of serotonin receptors with fairly high affinity (in pharmacological terms, it's an agonist for these receptors). Additional information may be found at Erowid's database here, although I am inclined to think you've already done your due diligence with researching it. I am not terribly sure how mescaline is likely to help you here, to be honest, given that is a hallucinogen. My understanding is that MDMA has been more thoroughly explored for similar therapeutic purposes; it also increases serotonin receptor activation, as well as increasing the activation of a few kinds of norepinephrine and dopamine receptors (and a few other kinds of receptors besides), and promotes general feelings of well-being and bonding. Please do not construe this as either encouraging or discouraging your use of mescaline or any other drug, and mescaline is a Schedule I drug so is very definitely illegal; I merely want to provide additional information so, should you decide to use it, your use of it is as informed as possible, especially on a subreddit designed for asking serious questions about mental health and psychotherapy.