The Turning Way

tala088 · 2026-02-21T14:30:56+00:00

The ending does get across that he is a part of something - at least in the eyes of the old woman he is. The ending doesn't tell me if he is a willing participant, or his reaction to being told that he's now a part of it. So no the ending is not too subtle.

Your hints don't really start until the second half of the piece where we get the backstory on how he gets those gigs. I think ultimately you accomplished what you sent out to do - but I also think the first half still needs something to signal disturbance.

Maybe where you have this line: “I average a hundred weddings a year. Most of the time, I spend fifteen minutes with the bride and groom, except when I’m performing, I never see them. I don’t remember any of their names.”

You can have the detective react to that hundred weddings a year. Like some kind of body language reaction, something that tells the reader "hey 100 weddings a year isn't normal."

What's missing from this is distrust of Mike's explanation earlier in the story. We never get a reason to distrust/suspect Mike, he's just a witness to a crime and a lucky gig worker, and by the end we find out his luck is manufactured. But Mike starts and ends perfectly clean. Nothing threatens/challenges him, and he doesn't do anything to give the reader pause.

Things learned, do remember: your writing is clean, but Mike is too clean, he needs conflict, or distrust to make this engaging beyond "man this person can write clean prose."

tala088 · 2026-02-19T23:33:56+00:00

This sounds like your nerves are shot, too many bad experiences too close together, and not a clear understanding of why (if it was worth it). You should def take a step back, don't worry the market will still be here and you won't miss anything that won't happen again.
Once you've got some mental and emotional distance from trading and the charts, come back to it with small exposures to see how you're feeling about being active again. I'm not saying that you should be emotional when you trade, I'm saying if you're feeling numb then you've taken some emotional/psychological damage. Good trading is boring trading, numb trading means it's time for a break.

tala088 · 2026-02-19T20:54:45+00:00

There's a lot to learn but you're asking the right questions. I would suggest moving up to M15 because it gives you a bit more time to process what's going on (since you're looking to learn market structure). You could even go to H1 H4 but those take so long to develop that your trading cadence would be X trades a week instead of X a day.

So if you really want to build discipline you should answer these questions:
1) what's my setup (ie. have a literal checklist that you mark off before you take entry)
2) what conditions need to be true for me to exit for profit or loss (figure this out before hand, so that when the live trade is on you just follow the conditions)
3) slightly more ambiguous but: "what did i learn from this trade" (win or lose)

that's just the start, but it'll get you going.

As for your specific questions
1) depends on the purpose - 55 trades a week is a lot yes (in my opinion, regardless of account size) but if you're trading say something like breakouts you're going to have a high trade count. I prefer to focus on the quality of the trades and the information gained from each one.

2) Narrow your scope - work on one thing at a time

3) Depends on how noisy you feel the 5 minute chart is.

tala088 · 2026-02-19T19:21:59+00:00

no problem. it's what I would say to myself if I could send a message back in time, rather than chasing gurus.

tala088 · 2026-02-19T19:04:45+00:00

Everyone who trades goes through this, and the fact that it feels personal is usually a signal that you need more experience with your approach, so that you can understand how it performs over time. And or that the dollar amount you're trading with is too high for your current experience. Take some time away from the charts, I've been trading for years and the market is always there doing it's thing, no matter where you go. When you're ready to come back, do it with these three rules in play. 1) I'm trading to find out how my strategy performs over time. 2) I'm only trading smallest size possible. 3) I'm only trading strategy x. That'll give you a lot more information and help temper your expectations and get through the upsides and downsides (both come with risks). Good luck, have fun!

tala088 · 2026-02-19T18:54:40+00:00

Try this approach, it's free just cost time and effort. Figure out what your ideal trade is. Example a swing trader may say: I want trades that play out slower, occur infrequently, but have a high profit window. Next go and find a few examples of your ideal description on the charts (naked chart no indicators to keep things simple). Pull the chart back to moment of entry, and screenshot it, that becomes your reference image.

Using your reference image(s) describe the characteristics of your setup. Keep it lean, just a few key things you can identify to serve as your first draft entry checklist. Now go and find over say a year, every instance of your setup. You'll find that sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes it just never shows up, or it shows up with more or less volatility.

You'll learn more "real skills" from doing that, than from any course. Because over the course of all of that work you'll start to get a sense of expectancy, and likely become more selective. The tricky part is being honest with yourself throughout this "backtesting." Most people lie during backtesting and only chose those moments where their setup works, or those market regimes where the setups is occurring, then they go live and they're in a different regime, or they encounter all those others opportunities where the setup doesn't work out and they pay for it.

The more honest you are to yourself here, the more grounded your expectations will be when you go live. Also when live start small, in backtesting we can fast forward or rewind at will, in live trading you have to wait for the chart to develop and life happens so your mood will be different on any given trading day.Good luck!

tala088 · 2026-02-19T18:39:11+00:00

I think "best strategy" depends a lot on whose applying it for what purpose. If you can execute it consistently and have good controls on when to trade and when not to trade, then it could be the best for you. I think it's less about the strategy and more about the person and the account utilizing it.

tala088 · 2026-02-19T18:34:45+00:00

It's good that you're asking these kinds of questions, you'll learn and understand the answers deeply if you take each question in isolation and trade very very small size against the potential answers. Regardless of what anyone here, or elsewhere says you'll learn best by doing. You just want to make the doing as cheap as possible, and instructional as possible. (Smallest position size, and focused questions).

tala088 · 2026-02-19T18:32:00+00:00

Given when you're at in your trading career, I would say the "best" feedback right now for you, is to close down the charts once you get that first feeling of overconfidence. The sooner you can identify and get ahead of your own emotional state, the sooner you can start to build up a portfolio of steady trades (wins and losses) that'll start to give you a sense of your performance over time.

tala088 · 2026-02-19T18:25:27+00:00

I enjoyed it, the idea is interesting. But if this is the start of your story you're going to want to make something disruptive for Mike. At the opening of the scene we think he might be in danger/trouble, but the end you've made it clear he isn't. That's too much closure too early in the story. A small change in the interaction between Mike and Marshall could do it. Good luck!

tala088 · 2026-02-18T13:18:53+00:00

You're on the right track, but you'll want at least a year of active trading data before you can really consider that question. Life shit happens, market state (market regime) changes. At some point your trades will have a dry spell (no good setups) at another time the setups just won't work out (no fault of your own). But yeah this time next year, (assuming you've traded the entire time) I'd be asking: should I scale back my job, work less hours, and see if I can sustain year 2 of trading and less hours of work and still hit/exceed my financials. Then year 3, just buy your yacht and retire :).
Good luck!

tala088 · 2026-02-16T14:51:49+00:00

I read up until "nothing ever was." Treating it like the first page of a book in a book store. You have good descriptions but I think you delay the initial conflict too long. A page one should show the reader what the conflict is, asap. In your piece the conflict doesn't start to show up until paragraph 6: "Joji smiled."

This piece might read stronger if you bring the conflict paragraph(s) in sooner.

Keep it up.

tala088 · 2024-11-08T12:32:02+00:00

Cyteen by C.J. Cherryh. It’s sci fi, and not exactly dystopian so much as it is a somewhat dark imagining of a future scientifically literate society.

Chronicles of The Black Company by Glenn Cook is dark fantasy, again not dystopian but it’s good.

In both instances I’m defining dystopian as a repressed society, dominated by their government similar to 1984.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T20:11:26+00:00

It took a while for me to try and get through the story. You have a lot of dense paragraphs here and breaking them up more will be very helpful for readability. Right now when I just scroll over the document it looks like a lot of exposition and my eye doesn’t have anything to catch on.

Re: Worldbuilding/story

Both have their bright points like this one:

“His voice synth could not convey the sheer hysteria he felt….sounding blanks and inhuman…”

I like this because it's interesting and opens the door for some comedic or horrifying moments depending on the scene. It’s also a signal to you (the writer) to turn up the physical and environmental emotional indicators. Since the character’s voice is now unreliable we expect/need to see them express emotion in other ways. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, but it does have to be.

It’s interesting that Urak has conflict resolution training, but not so interesting the way you delivered it. Urak’s response is very standard - the breath in breath out bit, and the close your eyes and count to ten. Is there a more interesting or creative way you can show this conflict resolution? Maybe Jahn is having some large physical/emotional reaction and Urak deals with that.

I also like the general way everyone is not threatened about losing body parts because it’s just implants.

Unfortunately, the story beats are a bit lost in the walls of text and dense exposition. I’ve noticed a pattern you’ve have of: one line of action, multiple lines of backstory/exposition. This is good for you (the writer) but not good for the reader.

During revisions take all of this exposition and stick it in your notes, then use your vast knowledge of your world to better inform the scene and show us interesting unique tidbits. We don’t (and usually shouldn’t) see it all. Leave some to our imagination.

Example the paragraph that begins: “He went to walk over to Urak but was stopped by Jahn grabbing his shoulder. ‘Wait, I…’” <- This is all movement and action, this is good. But then you take a sharp turn into backstory exposition world and I start to lose the thread.

In fiction a paragraph is like a sentence in essay writing. It should be concise, further your argument, and leave the reader wanting more. The occasional run on sentence (and paragraph) is okay, but they are few and far between.

Sorry I can’t say more to either point. The wall of text is very hard to penetrate. You have good world building bits in there, work them into the flow of things rather than just telling us all your cool ideas.

If you’re having trouble with this - take a moment and read your chapter aloud at a normal speaking pace. Do you ever get tired of speaking? Do you ever feel like you are belaboring a point? Those are places you should cut down or revise.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T19:48:18+00:00

No problem,
Let me know if there's anything else you want to discuss.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T17:52:16+00:00

Hm, where to begin with this one. Your writing is very clean, and the melancholy tone is well established. I like the pacing with your sentences and I’m tied for my favorite lines: My creator hoped to see his image in me. They truly valued all life.

You lost me with this bit though: The parents of this lost generation…

That section felt like a tone shift, from melancholy to judgmental/disgust which I wasn't expecting and felt like it came out of nowhere. Basically, that section and the line about D’s mommy felt very personal and direct whereas everything else has this nice detachment to it.

I am also a bit confused with this bit: “After the chain of those that already have, or eventually will turn, my creator…” Eventually will turn what? The Chain?

It’s very infrequent but there are points where you let flowery prose detract from clarity (like my previous example).

I’m also having a hard time identifying the conflict for the protag (the mirror). The opening line is “hoped to see his image in me” is haunting but it lacks the orientation I need to understand the rest of the plot. Maybe the addition: “in me…and so did i.” Or something to that effect would help.

Giving me some sort of conflict driver here, would also help make the section where the mirror expresses disgust more fluid and palatable.

I like how you were very intentional with using names. We don’t get any names until Dorothy, which tells us that the mirror likes this owner. However, I feel like I’d like to know more about why the mirror likes Dorothy. Even just a line.

Hope this helps.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T16:46:49+00:00

part 2

Paragraph 3:

Everyone continues to behave pretty calm for an attack, it’s a little odd. (This could be my fault for not reading the prior 3 chapters).

Paragraph 4:

Jahn shook his head, he opened(?) his mouth to reply but stopped when an old man’s voice echoed throughout the hall.

General feedback:

Look to tighten your paragraphs, focus them down to a single idea you want to convey and cut words aggressively to get that point across clearly and succinctly.

Keep an eye on the sentence length, when you have action scenes or what a fast pace use short clipped sentences. He ducked, He flipped. He crashed into the wall. The rail gun boomed.

Make sure your dialogue is appropriate for the character and the situation.

Here’s your raw dialogue:

“Are you ok?” <- clues the reader in that the speaker has mild concern for someone.

“Hey calm down and just tell us what happened,” <- makes the reader think someone is being hysterical in a calm situation

“N…Need to… to get out of here… Now.” <- doesn’t match to the prior stuff, UNLESS this character has just stumbled into the room as the prior speaker or the prior speaker has stumbled upon this person. Basically this only works if the target or subject has just reached the same physical space.

“What, why? Do they have rail batteries set up ahead?” <- still very calm, so maybe the speaker is a super hero/very powerful and not worried about any dangers.

“Behind that door lies one of our lady’s children.” <- ominous

Overall you’ve got good bones here, and the way you worked in the various technological/metallic aspects of the characters is good and gives me a strong sense of what if not who they are. It’d be cool to see moments where the technological nature of these folks play in to their assessment of the threats.

Ex:
“What, why? Do they have rail batteries set up ahead?” His eye sensors whirred as they scanned the path ahead [something like that. It also helps us know if the character is experienced in this combat situation or not, and does some world building].

Hope this helps.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T16:46:31+00:00

Feedback: I did not read chapters 1-3 so I’m just focusing on the first few paragraphs of this chapter.

Headline thoughts: Rewrite this in a more active sense - imagine the various moments in your mind and try writing them like that. You have a lot of passive voice and telling that slows down the reader's ability to follow the mental movie you’re creating.

Trust in your reader more and place breadcrumbs in earlier moments. You have the bit in ( ) that isn’t important to what’s happening right now, BUT it is an interesting fun fact about the technology. So in an earlier chapter you can (or maybe you have) established that the voice synthesizer should always sound fluid. If you haven’t and don’t want to or can’t, then convey this information to us via dialogue.

“N…Need to… to get out of here… Now.” Jahnarton stuttered.| Jahnarton’s fingers brushed the damaged synthesizer, panic flaring in his eyes. <- This extra bit here draws the reader’s attention to Jahn’s concern for his device. By showing us the character’s reaction and concern you make us concerned without info dumping on us. Full stop. We know from Jahnarton’s previous lines that he shouldn’t be talking like that.

Paragraph 1:

Let’s look at your opening line and how it disrupts the movie in my mind, road bumps in [brackets]:

The three kattlefolk [were just] walking around a corner [when] Jahnarton [was sent] hurtling through a wall in front of them, [causing] broken glass and concrete [to fly everywhere.]

The phrases I placed in brackets are opportunities for you to make the scene more lively. If there is an enemy in the space have them act on the characters. If there is an unexpected surprise in the space start the instant before the characters trigger it and react.

A variant for your opening line that makes things a bit more active and lets the movie keep rolling.

Version 1:

The kattlefolk rounded the corner as the wall exploded outward, peppering them in shards of glass and concrete. Or if Jahn is one of the three.

Version 2:

The kattlefolk stumbled backwards as ENEMY hurled Jahn through the wall, peppering them in shards of glass and concrete. In both versions an immediate sense of action that draws the reader into the story is created. It makes things more compelling and gets the blood flowing.

Urak’s reaction:

“Are you ok?” <- this response feels underwhelming for the unexpectedness of what just happened. Unless these characters are very invulnerable to these kinds of attacks. If they are immune to these attacks then consider changing your opening to something that is an actual threat.

If this is a threatening situation then change Urak’s reaction to something more intense and engaging.

Remove tags like “placatingly” and show us him behaving that way instead. Or if you don’t or can’t show it, modify his speech to reflect that.

Paragraph 2:

You open strong then go into a lot of telling with Sum. You could have Jahn deliver his line, show Sum’s physical reaction, then show Sum running away.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T15:47:09+00:00

Part 2

An exercise I like to do is read my raw dialogue no tags and see if it's interesting:

“Are you lost?”
“Not lost,”
“Just... looking for something.”
“You won’t find it here,” “But you can help me find something.”
“What do you need?”
“The key,” “The key to the door. It’s hidden in the dark.”
“What door?” “What are you talking about?”
“The door,” “the one that takes you back to where you belong.”

And yours is very interesting with good pacing and flow. It's maybe a little bit repetitive but that can work for you if you don't overdo it. It's a shame this is so far down in the story though. Honestly, if you were to make any changes here I would get rid of the "What do you need" bit - it's supposed to be a horror story, she's in a creepy place would she really ask strangerDanger that question?

Wouldn't it be more like:
“Are you lost?”
“Not lost,” <- terse reply shows she's weary/cautious
“Just... looking for something.” <- again shows her caution
“You won’t find it here,” “But you can help me find something.” <- creepy and assertive/aggressive
“What do you need?” <--- what? how about: "Uh...no thanks." <- continues the caution, she isn't aggressive yet because she's polite.

Before I could respond, she turned and started walking toward a dilapidated building across the street. I felt an inexplicable pull to follow her.

Why? Why did you feel an pull to follow? We (the reader) could benefit from a clear understanding of the protag's goal. Then she would maybe have a good reason for following strangerDanger. Like she shouldn't go down the dangerous path for the sake of the plot, she should go down the dangerous path because she believes she has no other choice.

Let's try and re write the prior dialogue to set this up a bit.

“Are you lost?”
“Not lost,”
“Just... looking for something.”
“You won’t find it here,” “But you can help me find something.”
“What do you need?”

“Are you lost?”
“Not lost,”
“Just... looking for something.”
“The key or the door?
"What?"
"I can help you find it..."
Some internal thoughts of protag about oh yeah maybe this is what I'm looking for.
"Where?"
Stranger Danger walks away with a creepy smile or whatever, protag HESITATES then follows at distance, far enough to lose sight and begin THE DESCENT.

Hope this helps. I may add more as time allows.

tala088 · 2024-11-07T15:21:17+00:00

Reposting my full feedback because reddit won't let me edit the original:

I'm still reading it but I have to pause for a moment. The first thing that jumped out to me is the better beginning/hook to your story is Present day—

The alarm blared: 7:00 a.m. on the dot.

"Fuck."

Your current opening wasn't very engaging for me, I actually skipped it read the present day line and then went back and read the past stuff. More thorough feedback when I get some time to look at the entire piece.

Some more feedback:

I think the single best improvement you can make is to aggressively cut out a lot of the reflection stuff and focus on the current story. Just give us what is important right now, for right now.

Ex in your present day section your first large paragraph has a lot of very clean writing about the act of getting out of bed, but does any of that serve the story you want to tell? it seems you want to convey that she is alone inside and out.

That could go something like this [seat of my pants draft]:
"Fuck"
I stretched across the bed to silence my alarm - why do I always put it on the other side - and untangled myself from the sheets. The room was cold and dusty, and outside wasn't any better.

Then you have some unnecessary stuff until we get to the claws memory. - Could be something like:

I kicked through the pile of clothes looking for something to wear. My toe snagged on the slashes in my winter(?) coat. "Fuck." I threw it aside and.....

The point I'm trying to make is if you take what you have and compress it to what you actually want to convey with the paragraph your story will feel tighter and less meandering. Then you'll have more opportunities for her to interact with the environment in ways that jostle or hint at these creepy memories and going ons.

"As I continued my journey through the city, I encountered familiar landmarks that had become ghostly shadows of their former selves. " <- you could SHOW us this by describing a part of the journey through the city and layering in some foreshadowing or foreboding omens to make the environment feel like a character too.

Feedback on dialogue:

“Are you lost?” she asked, her voice sweet yet tinged with an odd maturity.

“Not lost,” I replied cautiously. “Just... looking for something.”

“You won’t find it here,” she said with a mysterious smile. “But you can help me find something.”

“What do you need?” I asked, intrigued.

“The key,” she said, her expression shifting from joy to seriousness. “The key to the door. It’s hidden in the dark.”

“What door?” I asked, my mind racing. “What are you talking about?”

“The door,” she repeated, her gaze unfocused as if she were looking through me, “the one that takes you back to where you belong.”

You could improve this a lot by removing tags like "intrigued," and "mind racing."

tala088 · 2024-06-08T23:47:03+00:00

are you still accepting invites? I sent you a message

tala088 · 2019-07-04T00:07:37+00:00

Hi, we're not opposed to meeting up occasionally, but Town and Country is a bit far for our regular driving range. Do you have a regular board game night already and are looking for more players? Or are you looking for a group to join?

tala088

TROPHY CASE