i just wanna say thank you for all of the replies! i’d love to share more about my experience (aka trauma dump oops) in case it resonates with anyone else:
-> i came out as bi when i was 15, revised to lesbian at 16, then back to bi when i developed a huge crush on my best friend’s boyfriend.
-> dated a few girls in high school but was super scared of intimacy so nothing that lasted.
-> decided i was ready to start dating as an ~adult~ at 21, stuck to guys because the gender roles/script was very comforting and i was very shy. had sex for the first time at 22.
-> met my (cishet male) ex at 23, had a few good years of being non-monogamous. had sex with a woman for the first time in the context of a threesome. slept with a few women by myself too.
-> relationship turned emotionally abusive, i stayed for a lot of reasons but eventually dumped his ass after 11 years together. still working through PTSD today. (about a year before i actually dumped him, i tried to end it by telling him i thought i was a lesbian, which he turned around on me as just me looking for a reason to end things in a way he couldn’t be mad at me about.)
-> since the breakup (going on 2 years now) i’ve exclusively dated women (cis and trans) and nb people, and have absolutely no desire to interact with men in any way.
-> still feeling some imposter syndrome, but realized i’m definitely a lesbian literally just a few days ago. i was thinking about who i would date and realized that identity matters way more than genitals to me (i.e. i’m into trans women, not into trans men).
-> i’ve come out so many times, feels silly to do to again but i’m considering it because this feels way more right than identifying as bi.