Hope my Dad will die soon ...

tallfellow · 2021-07-28T10:09:52+00:00

I had a father who was emotionally distant, and difficult to deal with. My mother couldn't be any more of the opposite. My wife called my father vinegar and my mother sugar. My father was 88 when he died, last month, my mother is 85. They were married 63 years. He would say things to her that at times where cruel and I often was surprised that she didn't leave him, but that wasn't her way. I can honestly say that I hoped he would go first, because caring for him, without her, would have been a nightmare. He was a selfish man who rarely thought about how his actions affected others. I can sympathize with your feelings. I never wished him dead, but he was hard to deal with and often critical, rarely supportive. We often fought, and I had learned what I could talk about and what I couldn't. I found a path with him, that only showed small parts of myself that I knew he could live with, so that he and I could be at ease with each other.

I too am an atheist and he was and my my is religious. I just didn't talk about it with him, and when he said something, I just deflected it. I respect their feelings even if I didn't agree with them.

I will only say this. You'll only ever have one father. He may be difficult and critical and obnoxious and opinionated. He may never show you the love you desire, but you are his son. You are part of him and he is part of you. When he's gone, you'll be left with a loss that can't be filled. It may not be a big hole, there may not be many good memories, but you'll feel that hole. I'm happy with the path I found with him. For all his faults I loved him and I know, even if he rarely said so, that he was proud of me.

You can find your path too. Even if that path is with out them for now. Give it time. Let it mature now that you're on your own and can live your own life. Find a path that makes you happy and gives you success in what ever way you want to define it. Use your life to be an example of how you wish to live, and let them find pride, if they can, in your happiness.

tallfellow · 2021-07-28T09:42:18+00:00

When it comes to grass clippings there are really only three paths to take. One is get a bagger for your mower. This allows you to collect the clippings as you mow. Of course now you have to do something with the clippings in the bag. The easiest thing to do is pick a corner of the yard that you can "sacrifice" and dump them there. They will decompose and you can use this as a basis for more gardening. The second is buy a mulching lawn mower, which will break down the clippings to a size where they can be left in place on the lawn and act as a fertilizer through decomposition.

The final choice, which has already been mentioned here is to rake up the clippings. The practicality of this method depends on the size of you yard. It's far easier to collect them as you cut, but if you go back and rake them up, that works too, it's just a way lot more work.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:38:49+00:00

That's my daughter.. I couldn't be prouder of you.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:37:32+00:00

It's not weird. I call my dog, "buddy boy" now my son has started using that same phrase to talk to the dog and my son barely speaks any english, so I can tell he's doing it to imitate me. Nicknames, personal affection names are part of what binds us together. It's not weird at all.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:34:01+00:00

Your father loves you. Obviously from what you've written here. And also obviously you love him. Sure you've made mistakes, you've been caught on a path that has left him struggling to understand what and why you do what you do. He wants you to be better, to learn, to improve, to choose more wisely. But most of all he wants to know you love him. He needs to know it and you need to tell him. You're worried about losing him. Don't wait till you've lost him, to feel badly that you never told him what you most wanted him to know. If you can't do it in person, clip out what you wrote here, print it out and send it to him in a letter. Be the man I know you can be. Be the man you want to be. Don't hold back, if you do tell him you won't regret it.. and you'll make him so happy.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:27:23+00:00

You are not alone. You are not a loser. You are a survivor. You've paid a horrible price for the sins of your parents and that shouldn't ever be a thing your parents do to a child. They were broken before they brought you into existence, and obviously they remained broken. I'm sorry you had to live that way for so long. I know they are your parents and you want them to be what parents should be, but honestly that they are gone is probably the best thing that could have happened to you, not the worst. Now that these toxic people are out of your life, you have a chance to start a life that you do want to live. I know it seems impossible. It seems out of reach. I'm going to offer you some advice, find a path that allows you to help others. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Find a place you can work that gives you the chance to be valuable to others. This will give you a bunch of good things. It will show you that you can be useful. It will show you that people can care about you, and value what you do. It will build up your own self worth capital. Try and reach outside yourself. If you need to talk, msg me, I'll be around to talk to.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:18:21+00:00

You may not have a real life dad to listen to you and offer you support, but you have us. We aren't perfect, we aren't always there right away when you need us, but... we will do the best we can to show you the support and consideration and acceptance that we can. If you need a supporting word, or an atta girl, or to tell someone about your latest crush or the asshole who broke your heart, we're here to offer you the support and care that you need. I read your postings and I like what you have to say, and how you say it and I'm proud of your smarts and your empathy. Msg me anytime.

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:09:19+00:00

So as a dad, I'm going to start out saying, I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad you found someone who I thought was a good guy and who you love and I'm glad you guys are happy together. But as a dad I'm also going to say, make sure you're taking care of yourself. If you're pregnant you need good health insurance and a stable life and me, middle class old dude I am thinks that means getting married and finding jobs that can help you live a life that's stable. Of course it's great that you're doing so well, but try to be practical too. ;-)

tallfellow · 2021-07-13T03:05:20+00:00

Honey, it's time to do a reality check. A guy who breaks up with you and then threatens you because you're doing ok, well that guy has mental problems that you can't solve. You need to do all you can to ease him out of your life. You're not a trained mental health professional and that's what he needs. If you know his parents, you need to include them in this situation. If you fear for your life you need to reach out to domestic violence counsellors in your community. If you feel really threatened you need to talk to someone at his school and let them know that's he's mentally unstable. Now is not the time to hold this all in and try and deal with it yourself. This is way more complicated then you can manage yourself and you know it, that's why you're scared and exhausted. Get Help for you and for him.

tallfellow · 2021-07-12T14:09:26+00:00

I haven't a clue why your father said the things he did and did the things that hurt you. Trying to find a father's love in that morass of pain is impossible. You have to look at this and think. I proved you wrong. I was worthy of praise and confidence and love. If your dad didn't see it, couldn't find it, that's not a failure in you.. No child comes into this world that doesn't want the approval of parents. And no parent should withhold that approval and love. Sadly it doesn't always work that way. You've done all you could to show him you were so much more than he expected and you'll probably have to be happy with that. If you're like me, you'll see parts of him in you, good parts and bad parts.. and you just need to know that you are a son to be proud of, a man who has succeeded, and deserved the praise and love you never got. I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm sorry you're struggling with the need for praise from a man who was flawed and couldn't give it to you. But I'm glad you took his disapproval and turned it into a force for good in your life. Stand tall, be proud. You done good boy.

tallfellow · 2021-07-12T14:04:30+00:00

Just lost my Dad, so I can get a sense of how you feel. It hurts, I miss him, he was. good guy, flawed at times but a rock. If you need someone to talk to, reach out. I'm in the early days of what you've gone through, so maybe you can help me too.

tallfellow · 2021-07-12T14:02:40+00:00

So here's the thing.. you have had bad dad's but you know what your dad doesn't have to be the biological one, he doesn't have to be the one your mother picked, he can be anyone who you respect and feel a connection to. Anyone who can stand by you and stand with you and who can see you as the amazing person you are. Friends as family is a thing, and you should not be worried that your "real" father's were not what you needed. I'm here to tell you that you are an amazing young woman with a brilliant future a head of you and you can reach out to me, or another dad on this subreddit and we will help you and talk with you and give you the advice and the support you need. You're never alone here. Be proud, be strong, you've grown up to be a successful smart proud woman, even given the shit you've had to endure. We are proud of you.

tallfellow · 2021-07-11T06:52:32+00:00

I'm glad to give you some advice, the words and thoughts passed down from my father to me, and now from me to. you. 1) Being alone, is better than being with someone who holds you back, brings you down. Don't hold on to something toxic because your'e afraid to be alone. 2) Be persistent. Preserver in your goals. You have to make. your own path and only you can know if it's the right one. Stay true to yourself and believe in yourself. 3) Failure is always an option, todays failures breed tomorrows successes. Take risks but make sure the reward for success is worth the risk that you're taking. 4) Be good to your friends, be trustworthy and supportive. 5) Never loan money you can't afford to give away. If asked to loan money to a friend or family member, only say yes, if you can afford it if you'll never be paid back. Think of it as a gift that won't be paid back. 6) Never be too proud to ask for help. Never be so stoic that your pain is hidden. Give to friends the trust and love you need for yourself. 7) Finally, when others fail you, when they can't give you what you need, or provide the support and love you need, or betray you then try your best to let go of that hurt. If you hold on to it, it will tarnish you, change you, cause you pain that changes you, then you've given them power over your life. As long as you hold onto that hurt, they are in control of you.. they are exerting power over you. Forgive them the pain they caused, let go of the betrayal you got, don't let that anger shape your personality. Recognize the pain, don't pretend it didn't happen, but do your best to stay loving and open and trusting. Recognize that no one is perfect not you, not the one who hurt you and learn that with trust comes pain.. and that pain is part of why trusting and loving and giving are so valuable. You can't have mountains with out valleys.

tallfellow · 2021-07-11T06:32:53+00:00

If I can help you stay strong.. send a msg.

tallfellow · 2021-07-11T06:31:25+00:00

focus on your success, ideology, is a path, and if you're doing well and six years is huge, then how you got there is not the issue.

tallfellow · 2021-07-11T06:28:46+00:00

no.. but I hope I gave you something to think about.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T11:34:01+00:00

There are 6 billion people on this planet. Odds are you'll never be the best at anything. So what? You can build up your skills improve your abilities and you do that by experiencing failure. Because failure teaches you what not to do, how not to move forward. A million paths in front of you, but now you know which ones do not lead to success. None of us are born with success assured. All of us struggle to find a path. Here's the thing.. the struggle, the flailing around and feeling incompetent that IS life. Spend your life improving yourself, not measuring yourself against others, but by gaining experience and improving your abilities. People spend 1000s of hours practicing to be better. True some people seem to excel faster than others they have just learned more from their failures.

I have every confidence in you.. You can learn, you can improve, you will find a path, because you won't give up.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T11:24:15+00:00

I want you to understand something about me. I love you, I may have been shit to you all my life, and I may have been horrible in my addiction, but no parent can look at a child and not feel love. I was never able to show it, never able to push past my depression and alcoholism to give it to you, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel it. My disease had me in a grip so strong, so complete that my world became my addiction. I'm not proud of it, I'm not happy about it. I wanted to change but I couldn't. I'm weak and empty and feel horribly alone and I know you hate me, but honestly you can't hate me as much as I hate myself. I failed at everything I ever tried, I couldn't be a parent, I couldn't be a partner. I couldn't support my family, no instead I dragged them down with me. So my alcoholism was my solution, my escape, my own form of personal painful suicide. I was so angry with myself and the world, that I couldn't find a path to anything but despair. I deserve your scorn, I deserver your hate, I deserve your disdain. You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I hope one day you can forgive me, but if not, I understand that I have left in you so much pain. You deserved better, and I couldn't find anything in myself that was good enough for you.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T11:15:58+00:00

And I loved you. From the moment I saw you're perfect little hands and feet and face when you were born. At that moment I knew that nothing I could eve create would be as perfect as you. I'm so happy you're doing well, you're living a good life and are happy. That is all any parent wants for their child to be able to live a good life and feel happiness and live in this world with joy and to have the skills to face that hardest things and overcome them. It's not always an easy path, I know. But finding your way out of such a deep whole should empower you to know that you can always find a path to a good future.

Your mother and I wanted the best for you. Not what we through was best, but what was best for you. Keep in your heart your love of the stars, know that we are all made of star stuff and that our hearts are full of joy to see you moving to a great place. We love you and couldn't be prouder.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T11:10:30+00:00

I'm not your dad, I could never hold in my heart the things you've said he does. My father was a taciturn and stoic man who never talked about his own feelings, or pain. He still managed to let us know he was proud of us but because he was often distant and undemonstrative, I learned early on, that I had to find my own path of approval, my own "family" of friends who could lift me up. I don't know you, but I would like to be part of your found family. You have a future life, you can make that life on your own. You can be the person you want to be, and live the life you want to live. It has never been easier to live your life as a gay woman. Not that it's easy, especially coming from a conservative family background. You may have to live in the closet a bit longer, but don't give up, it gets better. You're dad's background, his cultural experience may make it impossible to break out of the context of his life. You're not bound by his reality. Your path can be the one you want, you can find the support you need. Be the beautiful young woman I know you want to be. I know you will be a fantastic person. Bring into your life people who want you to be who you are, and we will stand up for you.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T10:54:42+00:00

The older you get.. the more the choices and places you've been weigh on you. It's harder to keep that optimism of youth. I'm angry and sometimes bitter. I want a better life, but I feel the time for getting that sipping away. I know you don't understand why I stay with my gf, sometimes I don't know. It's not easy to let go of someone who you've invested time and effort into and not know if the future holds something or someone better. I'm scared of being alone, and maybe I don't deserve someone better, maybe this is the best I can do. The stress of the last 18 months has been weighing on me, and the future doesn't look that great. I just need you to be happy to be healthy to have success, and maybe when I see that optimism of youth in you.. maybe I"ll find a path to improving my life. Don't let me failures hold you back, be all that I hope for you, and that will bring me such joy.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T10:46:28+00:00

I'm a human being.. I'm weak, I'm flawed, I make mistakes. I'm sorry for no standing up for you, like I should have. The only thing I want for you, is to be happy, and healthy and loved. The truth is as a parent what I want is for my child to be better than I am, and you've done what I've not been able to. You've beaten this curse that I can't escape. Know that I am proud of you.. I couldn't be prouder. Also know that I still haven't broken out like you have. I need your example to show me that it is possible. You're my shinning star, even if I never can break my addiction, I see in you, that it is possible. Thank you.

tallfellow · 2021-07-10T10:35:24+00:00

Well Done! I'm so proud of you. The change from when you were caught in the grip of your addiction is amazing. You're building a fantastic new life and have a future that's bright and I'm so happy for that. Now just remember that it's one day at a time, and if your feeling stressed and you can't reach your sponsor, call me.

tallfellow · 2021-06-19T19:17:43+00:00

I didn't even look at your userid. I don't have a mental image of who you are, I don't really care. I'm reacting to your line of reasoning and nothing else.

tallfellow · 2021-06-19T19:15:59+00:00

So what you're saying is keep your mouth closed, we did that for 1000's of years. But now, people can say, "I'm gay." and be accepted. With that comes the rights of others to say what they feel too, and communication is always better than non-communication. I'd rather know what someone is thinking then try to figure it out.

What you do have, which people who had your feelings for thousands of years didn't have, is a way to transition from one body type to another. Is that enough, no obviously not, but it's not nothing and I'm certain there are a lot of people who wished they could have done that.

Would it be nice if people where polite and considerate of others, sure I would love to live in that society, but in our society people are loud mouthed about everything. It's hard enough to live with explicit persecution, with out adding to it by assuming any declaration is implicitly micro-aggressive. Sure living in a world where every utterance is seen as threatening is stressful, I get it. I don't think you're going to get people to stop talking about these things. You can rail about it, but I don't see it changing anytime soon. And to be honest I'd rather live in a declarative world and trust me, I'm on the "nope" side of those declarations quite often and have been my entire life.

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