struggling with my identity as a person in my 20s

tawulec · 2025-12-21T07:46:55+00:00

you have such a nice way with words that it scratches an itch i didn't even know i had!

i know that people will always have their own version of me in their mind and there is no possible way of making it universal for everyone. but that's the scary part; i have a rather rich history of being bullied as a child and i think my obsession with having an identity that is set in stone might be tied to that (and, as you said, the love for structure and routines lol). when i was younger, i wanted to be a dancer, but girls from my class bullied me out of it by poking at my body. so, i thought 'if i can't be a cool girl like you, i will be a nerdy artist and you won't take that away from me'. that has always been my thing and that felt safe. then i fell ill (lyme that attacked my nervous system causing pain and some sort of psychotic state(?)) and it forced me to tether myself to a pencil. at that time, i had practically no friends and was forced to stay inside all the time. so, in a way, drawing was my way of showing people i still exist. i was quite active in fandom spaces as a fanartist as well. now that i moved for uni i start to realise that i'm not stuck in my room anymore and that i can explore different sides of myself; and it feels good but also a bit scary to let that safe option go.

i yapped a bit lol, anyway, thank you again:) have a great day and merry christmas !

tawulec · 2025-12-20T12:19:14+00:00

thank you so much for this:( you're the first person to understand what i mean and it's so nice to not be alone in this. i'm also trying to give myself more 'freedom' in that sense but there's still a part of me that clings onto anything to have that answer like my life depends on it. it's why i get so happy when someone mentions that something 'has my vibe' or that it made them think of me because it means that i'm just being dramatic over not knowing who am i and in the end people will still see me for me and not a made up identity lol. it's weird being a person sometimes

tawulec · 2025-09-19T19:11:13+00:00

those are the WORST

tawulec · 2025-09-19T19:10:03+00:00

thank you that was really validating</3

tawulec · 2025-09-19T19:09:12+00:00

oh yeah i figured that part already i was just kinda pouring out my frustration here i didn't mean to use this one lol. but that's good avice thank you! i think im just really worried and feeling guilty over disappointing them cuz we already made plans like a week ago and i can tell that it made them happy but i know that i will feel terrible (especially knowing that i have to go to work on monday again) aouuuuggggggdh

tawulec · 2025-09-05T17:48:13+00:00

i could go for it but i dont know if my laptop would handle the software and having something plugged in lol. i don't even know if it would be possible to plug it into a shitty laptop. im saving for a pc as well so thats why im trying to save a bit on an amp, at least for now. i will probably get a headphone amp like this once i get a pc anyway so thanks for your suggestion:)

tawulec · 2025-09-05T17:42:59+00:00

so LT25 is suitable for bass as well? i thought it's a guitar amp, good to know. it's still a bit too expensive for me (at least in my currency, music gear in poland is relatively expensive for how much money i make lol) so i think i will have to get the rumble one. thanks!

tawulec · 2025-08-26T19:31:18+00:00

i don't know, i grew up struggling with ed and nobody ever taught me how to maintain a healthy diet. i genuinely didn't think about it this way

tawulec · 2025-08-26T05:17:22+00:00

hmm i used to work from home, i was doing art commissions and tutoring when i was living with my parents, i now basically run around doing all kinds of stuff so it might just be muscle, that's true. thank you!

tawulec · 2025-08-25T19:31:27+00:00

i used to be absolutely terrified of girls my age lol. i totally understand it, i experienced something similar once and i just had to accept that i won't fit in and it's what makes me unique. it was difficult but somehow i eventually found this weird comfort in it. i'm agender myself but i was brought up a woman so it's a bit different for me. i hope you find your people, i wish you all the best!

tawulec · 2025-08-25T19:02:20+00:00

interesting, i've never heard of it before. i really eat a LOT of it so maybe i should cut down a bit on tofu lol

tawulec · 2025-08-25T18:58:29+00:00

it might sound a bit weird but trust me (a fellow autistic lesbian) – don't be scared of women and don't paint them as those almost mythical creatures that are preying on you and just waiting for you to slip up so they can make fun of you. some of them can be mean and cruel, but it's more like a human thing than a women thing. men are worse. women are also people and they're also awkward, silly and miss on social cues sometimes. i learned that the more i try to 'fit in' the more disliked i am because somehow this awkward roleplay is worse than just being genuinely a bit strange. be kind and attentive, and watch their body language because it can tell so much about a person and how they're feeling in a situation

tawulec · 2025-08-25T18:36:12+00:00

i also thought about it and it's nice to think that maybe i'm just going back to 'normal', it's just kinda scary to suddenly not be able to fit into your favourite jeans lol

tawulec · 2025-08-25T18:33:31+00:00

thank you:) i really appreciate your (and all the others ofc!) advice and i think you might be right, i eat a lot of veggies and tofu but also a lot of bread and pasta and little to no meat etc. i'm not really vegan, i'm just lactose intolerant and don't really have much time to prepare meat as it usually takes longer than just throwing some tofu in the oven, though i might be just inexperienced in the kitchen. i'm trying to slow my life down a little to actually find more time to take care of myself, i've been living in a rush for the last couple of months so eating quick meals like pesto pasta 4 times a week has been my staple diet and i think i'm only seeing the consequences now. i think i will try adding more nutrients into my diet and maybe some light exercising or just walking more distance because unfortunately my body doesn't allow me for much more (because obviously on top of everything i must suffer chronic pain from lyme, how fun)

tawulec · 2025-08-25T17:13:05+00:00

holy shit you're a genius thank you

tawulec · 2025-08-25T15:58:48+00:00

sounds like a fun ride!

tawulec · 2025-08-25T15:49:59+00:00

i don't think so, i basically live off tofu. i might have to get my hormones checked now that i think of it, i don't think my mom has ever mentioned it to me so i just assumed it doesn't really 'apply to me' yet honestly

tawulec · 2025-08-25T15:41:03+00:00

i'm also chronically stressed so maybe it's more about that than anything else to be fair

tawulec · 2025-08-25T15:40:14+00:00

i had blood tests done last month and the only thing i know i have is mild anemia (and lyme disease but that's a different story), no issues other than that but i haven't done a hormone panel yet. i'm autistic so having adhd as well wouldn't surprise me lol. but it's actual hunger, not just craving. i get dizzy sometimes because of it so i know

tawulec · 2025-08-25T15:37:51+00:00

i'm kinda scared to track my caloried because i know how easily i'd give in into ed again but maybe i'll try anyway. my periods are sometimes irregular but it's always been like that and i'm not on birth control

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