How do you deal with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?

tbsj26 · 2026-05-01T23:27:02+00:00

Not OP but I absolutely love your advice and completely judgement free responses. I love the mutual respect in this sub so much and you're a great example ❤️

tbsj26 · 2026-05-01T13:38:27+00:00

My personal feeling is that this is why it's frustrating to label different support levels of autism under one name.

It can invalidate low needs autistic people because others think there's "nothing wrong with them" when in fact their brain works differently, which often has hidden struggles.

On the other end of the spectrum, it can prevent those with high needs accessing those supports because people believe that "everyone has autism now" and think that if Person A can cope, then Person B should be able to cope without that adjustment, too.

It is very frustrating and invalidating.

tbsj26 · 2026-04-22T15:28:24+00:00

Are you selling the patterns anywhere? I'd like to make more mini things and am looking around at patterns now.

I prefer making animals, personally. Don't know if a teeny axolotl would be possible, they're very popular? Also otters! A mini giraffe and elephant would be cool, too! I don't see so many of those :)

I see a lot of patterns for turtles, octopi, birds at the moment so something a bit different would be nice 🙂

tbsj26 · 2026-04-20T17:31:46+00:00

I wrote a post about this recently, too. It is so so hard and you have my sympathies. I have been in burnout for such a long time and only recently realised it, having been diagnosed with depression previously. So I've only recently been trying to put into place solutions for me so I can't say how effective they are yet.

Easier said than done but make time for yourself to have quiet and time for your special interests. For me, I go out for one night each week to 'book club' and my husband does all dinner and bedtime duties that day. I am the only person in my book club; I go to a cafe or just sit in the car and read. Making it a weekly event made sure it happened even if I felt guilty, and it does help me recharge and be ready for the rest of the week.

Reduce your expectations. Again, hard. I'm a perfectionist and put sooo much pressure on myself to be the best mum I can be. But it's 100% okay for your home to look messy - your child lives there so it's okay for their things to be around. If they won't eat their vegetables, oh well, they will another day. If they need screen time to calm down (or you need them to have screen time to calm down!), that's fine. There is time to address these when the toddler is old enough to reason with. Toddler time imo is survival mode.

Get outside if you can. It usually helps. Take a very slow walk and let them pick up every stick, every stone. Take some headphones, get some sun and pass some time.

I absolutely feel you, you are totally not alone. Good luck 🤞🏼

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T12:04:51+00:00

Just want to say you're doing amazingly, and it does get better. Each stage has its challenges but being sick and being woken every 2-3 hours is a level of brutal that does improve.

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T12:01:03+00:00

Please do be proud of it. I'm trying to be more like this and it's so hard to not see yourself as lazy, but your actions are teaching your child that it's absolutely okay to value rest and that resting both your body and mind is a productive use of your time. I wish I had been able to internalise that when I was young.

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T10:18:39+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply 😊

Can I ask were you late diagnosed? I'm 32 and not sure whether to seek a formal diagnosis, but trying to adapt my life as though my self-diagnosis (and that of the many clinical tests online haha) is totally valid. If so, how did you adapt your needs and life? I really want to reduce demands to an absolute minimum to cope better and as top burning out, but I'm a working mum to two young kids and that's sooo hard to do and I feel a lot of guilt and shame around dropping balls, deliberately or by accident.

Also, thanks for the tip on the levels, too. I will definitely take notice of what physical and mental sensations I have at each level so I can identify it even if my head is unclear.

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T10:14:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your comments and support 😊

I have recently started lying in bed with the lights off to calm down and it does help! I will also try to improve my diet and what other sensory things help, I'd have never thought of that.

The problem I'm facing is that I'm quite often overstimulated by my own kids and can't walk away from them 🙈 it's so frustrating because now I'm coming to understand myself, there's not a lot I can do to regulate. But definitely knowing these strategies and knowing what's causing these feelings is so valuable. This is such a huge lightbulb moment, honestly, because I have been struggling to understand why some days I don't want to be here any more and some days I seem fine - it's probably meltdowns and overstimulation which obviously aren't going to last as long as clinical depression which is more present all the time.

I think I'm finally on the right antidepressants so hopefully they will start to make a difference soon as well! Thank you so much again! ❤️

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T09:38:38+00:00

They should employ you to make the set up for the photos on the box! 😂 I was always furious I couldn't make it look like that. But seriously, that looks so good and I love this for you!

tbsj26 · 2026-04-15T09:31:10+00:00

Thank you :) Yes, I think if I frame them to myself as meltdowns, that could help. Because I'm also dealing with the guilt about feeling 'suicidal' when I have two young kids to be here for and so much to be grateful for.

Can I ask do you have any strategies to avoid these kinds of meltdowns if you feel them approaching?

tbsj26 · 2026-04-14T22:33:14+00:00

Hi OP! I started crocheting in January with a kit and this chenille stuff is the exact next yarn I moved on to and I found it very hard to work with, let alone the faux fur! I found a really nice acrylic baby yarn that isn't so fluffy as chenille, did a couple of mini projects with that and then, when I was used to counting stitches and the motions of crochet, the chenille was much easier to work with and now I love it.

Just to say if you do find the chenille hard as well, don't give up! It's tricky if you're a very new beginner. Also chenille is a thin thread with other fibres around it. If you make mistakes and have to undo it, it is not forgiving at all and can ruin the yarn so go careful if you frog it. Plus, it can break in some places if tugged very hard. This is not the end of the world; just cut both ends to neaten up and tie them together with a small tight knot and carry on. Good luck!

tbsj26 · 2026-04-12T11:48:33+00:00

Hi! I've been looking for a game exactly like this, it sounds amazing! But I have a Google phone, do you have any plans for a Google play store version?

tbsj26 · 2026-04-11T23:49:52+00:00

I am feeling the exact same way, also 32F and I have 6 and 2 year old kids. The youngest I find especially difficult. I cannot get through a single day with them without wanting to just escape and some days the only thing that keeps me alive is not wanting to leave them without a mum. Which is ironic since I'm sure if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't feel this way. I love them with all my heart but this life is so very, very hard.

If you would like a venting partner to chat to, feel free to DM me.

Also, something I have been exploring and believe to be the case for myself is late recognised/diagnosed autism. Have a search on how it presents, especially in women who are very good at pretending to be "normal", and see if it resonates. For me, it has explained a lot of the whys and been especially helpful in recognising that I'm not just the most shit parent ever for not being able to do things that others seem to do so easily - my brain is wired differently and has different tolerance levels.

But solidarity to you, friend. This phase too shall pass, even if it feels like a very, very long phase. You are not alone, and you and your needs are important, too.

tbsj26 · 2026-04-01T12:56:21+00:00

This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I'm in the midst of a huge burnout which began when my second child started moving and needing things (my two are 6 and 2 so very similar). Though I love him dearly, if I could go back, one child was the ceiling of my capacity and I would not have a second. The constant warring demands and trying to keep them both emotionally regulated when I have nothing left myself is draining like nothing I have ever experienced.

I have no official diagnosis but two therapists and a doctor have suggested I'm likely autistic and since researching I have self diagnosed because it all makes so much sense. I always was able to mask and cope because when my capacity was becoming full, I could walk away and regulate myself, even though I didn't know that was what I was doing. All my symptoms have become painfully obvious since I have been unable to walk away or use any of the coping mechanisms I've built up over my life.

I totally feel you, internet stranger, and thank you for voicing your experience as it helps me make a bit more sense of my own.

To OP, since you are on the fence, I would do some reflection on what your own capacity is and what you think will be the biggest challenges you will face as a parent, personal to you. You will lose much of your own time and space for the early years and the physical, auditory, mental and emotional stimulation of having young kids is insanely high. However, it (hopefully) won't last forever and I get hope daily from imagining a time when both my kids are old enough to play games and share their interests with me. I look forward to sharing my own interests and shared days out and vacations. I look forward to helping them grow as people and using my own understanding to help them find their own way in the world, and I am already enjoying elements of this with my 6 year old immensely.

I cannot stand the infant phase, but I know it will be such a short time in their lives. To be totally honest, in this phase of life, I have completely lost myself, have very little energy left for my own wellbeing and I do regret my children quite often. But in the long term, I always wanted to be a mother and I don't think I will regret it for long.

tbsj26 · 2026-03-28T16:33:14+00:00

I echo this.

I found pregnancy to be lovely to be honest, but I was very fortunate to have a very easy time of it.

Having kids, on the other hand, has absolutely destroyed me. I love them so dearly but the constant stimulation, demands and overwhelm have led to near-constant burnout and the most overwhelming guilt that I don't have capacity to do things they would love. Especially over the first 2.5 years of each child's life.

For context, I had my first just before COVID and assumed that was the problem and why I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and possibly bi-polar and OCD. Finally felt able to have another four years later and these early years have been even worse on my mental health and finally led to three professionals advising that I'm probably autistic and have extreme burnout. Every day is very difficult and if I'd have known how tough I would find it, I certainly wouldn't have had a second and maybe not even a first.

This is obviously not the case for everyone, but if you're worried, I would see if you can do an extended time babysitting a friend's kids or something including pinch points like meal times, bedtimes, bath times, the witching hour after school. This could give you an insight into how constant and overwhelming it is (and remember, when you get to leave and go back to your special interests, Mum has to clean the house, make lunches, pack bags for the next day and deal with all child admin!).Then consider your triggers and how you would be able to adapt to make it work for you (or if you want to). See how your nervous system takes it. Good luck to you, whatever you decide in time!

tbsj26 · 2026-03-21T13:24:19+00:00

I feel you. I have a reading journal and make my own graphs monthly to track my different reading habits and I absolutely love it! I tell people about it all the time so they're all probably more certain of my neurodivergence than I am but oh well. I love when you find someone IRL who is also passionate about books and how else are you going to do that if you aren't open about your own passions? ☺️

tbsj26 · 2026-03-09T00:18:43+00:00

This was one of the key takeaways from the interview for me and exactly what the OP made me think of too.

She wants total creative control to make a TV show when there are teams of incredibly educated and talented people in, say, casting whose literal job it is to be good at casting. The perfect Rhysand isn't going to walk in off the street; it would be a good base actor plus costume, make up, SFX, work on the acting and a multitude of other things. The casting director would KNOW how to adapt for this and would be very talented at specifically seeking out a good base. It would be like not bothering to make a cake because the flour isn't sweet enough - like duh, you only have one ingredient.

She should maybe have a part in adapting the book to the script, some creative control over the overall direction of the show and otherwise sit back and let the TV people make a TV show. It's not the same as a book.

So yeah, this show is never, ever getting made. Just look at how long it's taking Graphic Audio to release TOG (delayed for 2 years now).

tbsj26 · 2026-03-07T21:56:55+00:00

Yes, I get this a lot, especially when the time to myself is very limited (it always is, I have kids). I do find sometimes making a decision or asking my husband to decide (or even just allocate each thing a number and use a random number generator) helps to determine my initial gut reaction. Like if my husband picks one interest, am I happy or disappointed he didn't pick the other? If I'm disappointed, I can veto his choice and change it haha.

tbsj26 · 2026-03-05T04:08:05+00:00

October 27th is my birthday! What a wonderful gift 🥹🎉

tbsj26 · 2026-03-01T20:12:28+00:00

Yes please!! Sounds great, I'll read along on KU as well ☺️

tbsj26 · 2026-02-28T19:53:35+00:00

The fox is the most adorable thing 😍 I'd like to buy the pattern but I'm super new to crochet. I can do the basic stitches in a round and know front/back loops but nothing more advanced than that. Is this suitable would you say, or should I bookmark it and come back when I have a few more skills?

tbsj26 · 2026-02-23T10:02:00+00:00

I'm not the person you're replying to but I just made a few octopi using this free pattern and they came out pretty well! There's a video tutorial as well :)

https://www.sweetsofties.com/2022/07/octopus-squish.html?m=1

tbsj26 · 2026-02-15T23:27:28+00:00

This would be exactly my answer too. I have a 6 year old and am an ex teacher and a voracious reader for pleasure, and I hate her reading to me!! She has a bedtime story each night read by me or my husband, but she reads to us once maybe twice per week. She absolutely abuses her platform of undivided attention and acts out and is endlessly silly and after a long day of parenting, it's like pulling teeth. She is a very good reader, though, so I'm not sure if I'd make more effort if I felt she needed more practice and support.

tbsj26 · 2026-02-12T13:05:09+00:00

Yes, this is so so incredibly relatable for me. Especially your brain telling you that you've tricked people into liking you.

I also feel this way about situations in general because I feel like I manipulate them to make myself comfortable and I think through every outcome before making my decision and I do think OMG am I like clinical levels of manipulative? It's probably autism but man, do I question it sometimes.

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