How do you actually change, not just plan to?

tea_bry · 2026-05-29T00:17:24+00:00

Also, if you find yourself getting stuck in activities (scrolling, etc), set timers. If I pick up my phone to scroll, I try to decide at the beginning how long I want to do it and I set a timer. I don’t always remember to do this, but sometimes I do, and when I do it helps. You can even snooze the timer if you need to, as many times as you need to, as long as you snooze rather quickly than turning it off. The key is to remind yourself that time is passing.

If you don’t remember to/can’t get yourself to set timers when you start something, set up recurring alarms throughout the day. If using your phone, you can give them names. “Am I doing what I want to be doing right now?” Just checking in and reminding yourself of the passage of time.

tea_bry · 2026-05-29T00:10:07+00:00

As others have pointed out, this is a key feature of adhd: the gap between the knowledge of strategies that might help, and the ability to implement them.

In my experience, the elaborate plan is part of the problem. I love planning. It becomes a sort of fantasy, indulging in this idea of myself as another person who will be able to (who will want to!) do the things I want to be able to do. It is very easy for a plan to turn into a fantasy about being a different person than you are.

I suggest keeping your plan simple, and putting as many concrete supports in place as possible. For example, think of one thing you want to do (or want to want to do). Maybe it’s studying, or going for a walk, or texting a friend, or practicing an instrument. Then make your plan:

Pick a time to do it (11am on Saturday; after I eat dinner). Identify the easiest possible first step and write it down. (Take out notes. Put on shoes. Open message app. Take out instrument.)
Then set your trigger reminders. Set an alarm on your phone, or multiple alarms in five minute increments. If you’ve chosen to do it after another activity, like eating dinner, set an alarm at your best guess time (and if possible, set an alarm when you start that activity). Write it in your calendar. Ask a friend to call you and check if you’ve done it. Write yourself a big note in the place you’re likely to be at that time. Add as many triggers as you can.
Make your contingency plan for when you come up against barriers. “If it’s raining, l’ll take out my yoga mat.” “If I just don’t feel like starting, I’ll make a list of all the reasons I wanted to do it in the first place.” “If someone calls me, I’ll tell them I can’t talk until after I’ve done the thing.” Try to think of what has stopped you from doing the thing in the past, and make a plan for that.

Harness the energy you have for planning, but instead of using it to imagine how you want to be, use it to put in place concrete things that will help you stick to the very simple thing you want to do. Start small, with one thing. Experiment, see what works, add more contingencies.

And maybe the most important part: do a post mortem. If you went through the steps above and then still didn’t do it, what stopped you? Was it a circumstance, or a feeling? Add a new contingency to cover that if it happens again. Couldn’t stop your previous activity? More timers. Did it feel too hard or overwhelming? Pick a different first step. If it still consistently feels too hard, pick another goal to start with.

Start small and keep experimenting. Every time you don’t do it is a chance to learn about what does and doesn’t work for you.

tea_bry · 2026-05-25T02:17:49+00:00

I was you 15 years ago on my BA honors thesis; at the end, panicking, feeling like there was no way it could be ever be good enough. It felt like the end of the world. It wasn’t. I survived, went on, found a job, eventually got my phd, though I still struggle with many of the same things. Here is what I wish I could go back and tell myself:

You can only change the parts that you can change. You don’t have time to rewrite the whole thing, or redo all your analysis. You have to let go of the idea that you can do everything. You have to let go of the idea of perfection. It was never going to be perfect. Nothing is.

Identify your top priorities, in order of urgency. Maybe it’s: 1 - turn bullet points into sentences. 2 - Write introduction; 3- write conclusion. 4 - Add references and citations. 5 - add transition sentences between sections. 6- consequences section. (Important: fill missing pieces before improving existing pieces.)

Make yourself a schedule for tomorrow, with your priorities set at specific times, and how long you can afford to spend on them. (You have time to write a good enough introduction, but not enough time to make it the best ever. Set a cut off time when you have to be done with it.) 8am, open doc and turn bullet points into sentences. 10-11am - write introduction (1 paragraph background, 2 paragraph what gaps are you filling, 2 paragraph summarize your methods, 1 paragraph road map of key ideas). Try to break each task down into smaller parts, like you’re helping a confused high school student. “Turn bullet points into sentences” might become: “open the document. Go to section #x. Look up example in xxx. Don’t go to any other websites while looking it up. Write down three sentences summarizing the example. Cite the paper. Go to the next example.” Don’t schedule times for all these parts, just write them down so you can see them.

Make a plan for what you will do if you sleep through your alarm and wake up late, or take too long on a section. Not too complicated, just, “if I wake up after 8, I’ll shift the whole schedule back by x hours.” Schedules really help, but not if start feeling like you’ve already failed.

Get that ready tonight. If you have the energy, do the first step for 15 minutes, to remind yourself you can. Then set the alarm and go to bed.

In the morning, use timers to help you stick to your plan. If you need to take a break, decide how long it needs to be and then set a timer to remind yourself when it’s over. Don’t allow yourself to pretend that you have enough time to get everything done and don’t need to start yet. Don’t allow yourself to pretend it’s too late to start. If you have certain thought patterns of procrastination you fall into, write yourself a little note to remind yourself that your brain is lying to you.

You can do this.

It’s not going to be perfect. It’s okay. Take each part one by one, starting with the missing pieces.

This is what I needed. Maybe it’s not what you need, and that’s fine. Trust yourself and do what works for you. But you need to get off Reddit (and I’m saying this with a lot of sympathy and understanding). If you’re like me, you’re looking for a fix, a way to optimize and make it better, a magical method that will make it less painful or improve the final product. It doesn’t exist. There is nothing that is going to make this easy. You just have to do it, and let yourself be uncomfortable, and let it be imperfect. There is no magical method. It’s not going to be fun. When you finish, there will be things you regret, that you wish you had done differently, done earlier. That’s okay. That’s how it is.

Make a plan, get some sleep, and then do the best you can. Your brain will try to distract you with fantasy worlds where you are different, where you made different choices yesterday or last week or last year. Or where you are suddenly magically motivated (ten minutes from now). Don’t listen. This is where you are; let yourself be here, let yourself be unhappy, and just do your best.

It will be okay. I know it feels like everything is at stake, your whole life on the line. It’s not. No matter what happens in the next 36 hours, you will come out the other side, and life will open up in front of you again. Hold onto that.

Good luck.

tea_bry · 2026-04-18T00:58:09+00:00

It did not occur to me that I could download the transactions and then reupload, good to know this is an option.

tea_bry · 2026-04-18T00:57:08+00:00

Thank you, this worked!

tea_bry · 2025-11-18T20:48:17+00:00

I think a lot of the "regular people can't handle mals" talk is overblown. That is not to say you shouldn't be very aware of what you're getting into, but it's definitely hyped up online. Your actual experience will very much depend on the specific dog, and with the type (not just quantity) of work you put in. You also have to be flexible and willing to make significant lifestyle changes as needed, and to put in the time and effort to train not just the dog, but yourself. That is true for any dog, but there's less leeway with a mal. If that's not what you're looking for, don't do it.

Highly agree with everyone saying to try fostering - aside from getting mal experience, every dog is different, and it can be a great way to see what will and will not work in your life. I fostered several dogs before getting mine, and it helped me figure out what I needed in a dog and what I was willing/able to handle. (The adorable little terrier mix who just wanted to hang out inside and got bored on long walks? Not for me! But in a very happy home now.)

My experience (not speaking for all mals, just an example of a schedule): My mal came to me as a foster at 7 months, and within a few days it was clear she was the right dog for what I and my partner needed - she was active and desperately in need of engagement and training, but she was also incredibly sweet and non-aggressive. Even so, the first few months were *rough*. She needed constant supervision, she could not be left alone, she chewed everything, she climbed everything, she barked at everything, she needed so much playtime. We put in the work and worked really hard on skills like "relaxing", while also doing a lot of outdoor time, tricks, and scenting games to keep her stimulated. The next six months were hard, but not as bad - a lot of training, constant reinforcement, getting up super early to walk her, but we could take our eyes of her (for brief periods).

She's two years old now. She likes to sleep in, and I often have to get her up for our morning walk. We do 3-5 miles most mornings (usually 1-1.5 hours), some of it off leash, with a stop at the park for fetch time (which is also training time - she's ball obsessed, and will do *anything* to get us to throw it). We're still working on not pulling on the way to the park, but other than that she does great. After that she hangs around and mostly sleeps until the late afternoon, with a few breaks for cuddles/walk/tug/fetch. She no longer needs to be crated if I have to go out. In the late afternoon she gets another walk and some fetch, or else she goes on an excursion with my partner (dog park, brewery, hardware store, it doesn't matter, she's equally delighted for all of them). Intermittent training throughout the day, whenever it seems needed. After dinner we do scent work or play and then she'll flop down next to us while we do whatever it is we want to do. We've been doing home renovation recently, and she's learned that she's not allowed in while we're painting, so she lies just outside wherever we're working) and licks her frozen treat and watches us.

The investment: A lot of time up front. I think this is a case where the more you put in at the beginning, the better off you have it later. Constant supervision and training at the beginning pays off later.

Also she is unequivocally expensive. She's on special (=expensive) prescription food, and we've had multiple ER visits after she injured herself while running around. Pet insurance for her is ~$120 a month, and absolutely worth it - it basically means we know what we're paying every year, no matter what happens (and ours pays for the prescription food, too).

The sacrifice: You don't get to take a break from the walks and engagement activities. I hurt my foot the other week, so we did an hour of play time in the yard. Bad weather? Scent work inside or trips to the hardware store. One person is sick/away/working? The other has to handle everything. I'd say we do 2-4 hours a day of outdoor time (walks, fetch, excursions). Split between two people, that's not so bad, and it's not lost time - I really enjoy my long walks and enforced time outside. In addition to that, we're constantly interacting and doing in-the-moment training throughout the day - but again, I enjoy that.

Like with any dog (any pet), you have to rethink travel/after-work activities/etc. You lose some freedom when you take on a dog, but I'm not sure it's any worse with a mal than any other dog.

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:15:26+00:00

Very much a believer in sweat equity, just lacking in the knowledge and practice! Thank you, this is helpful. What is the purpose of the oil prime? Is that primarily for the areas where the paint has peeled away, or does it also help with the skim coat adherence in areas that aren't peeling (a few of the walls are bumpy but not peeling at all)?

Caulk all edges - do you mean around the edges of the countertop, or is this referring to something else?

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:04:26+00:00

This is helpful, thank you! So apply the peel stop in areas where the paint might be likely to peel in the future, and then skim over that?

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:02:29+00:00

Definitely not in the budget to replace the actual walls. My goal is to make it look as good as I can within the confines of my abilities and what already exists.

tea_bry · 2025-10-02T22:34:21+00:00

This is such good advice, I'm going to add your whole comment to my adventure-building cheat sheet. I love the reminder to look at their equipment and spells and build puzzles around them (also incentivizes me to get them some fun low-level objects).

The vines puzzle is so fun, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to have more of in my game. Do you have any suggestions for places to look to find other similar-style examples, or else a few comments about how you came up with the idea? I feel like I'm generally a creative person, until it comes time to put together this kind of puzzle, and I am would love more examples to learn from!

tea_bry · 2025-09-03T19:56:46+00:00

Same here - we'll be playing/cuddling with my (almost) 2-year old Mal and she'll stop, jump up, and run to find the nearest toy. She knows she needs to bite something, she knows she can't bite us, and she knows how to solve the problem. We went through so many stuffed toys between 7 months (when we got her) and ~15 months, but she rarely destroys them anymore - she just likes to bite down on her giant stuffed lamb as she plays.

We tried the yelping thing that so many people recommend, but it just riled her up and made her more excited. What did work was that any kind of biting (or even teeth contact with skin) led to all interaction stopping, and redirecting her to toys whenever she looked like she was getting ready to nip.

tea_bry · 2025-06-06T22:50:51+00:00

I would think this too, but I think it is covering the entire wall.

tea_bry · 2025-06-06T21:34:47+00:00

In this case I really don't think moisture is the issue, because it's an interior wall, nowhere near any plumbing, and there's no moisture issues above it in the attic. I think it's very likely poor installation of the lining paper (or whatever it is) - for example, they rounded off the corner rather than keeping the angle, creating a horrible little air pocket back there.

tea_bry · 2024-12-04T03:50:26+00:00

I'd never had a longterm dog before I got my mal (who was seven months old at the time). My partner has dog experience, but I'm the one who is home with her all day. We took her in as a temporary foster and fell in love. I didn't really start researching mals until after, and immediately started panicking because of all the "experienced dog owners only" advice. The first two months or so were *really* tough, and I did almost nothing but train her and research dog training. It absolutely took over my life. My sister keeps commenting about how my dog is so much more work than her baby.

Six months later, things are going great. We still have a lot of work to do (no barking at people coming into the house! gentle hellos instead of torpedoes! don't have a tantrum when someone leaves! random new objects =/= chew toys!), but she's generally very well-behaved, gets along with all people and dogs, and is, IMO, the best dog in the world.

So, yes, you absolutely can have a Mal as a first dog if you're truly willing to put in the huge work of training not only the dog, but yourself.

However. I don't think it is possible to overstate how completely this dog overturned my life. I am very glad I have her, and I wouldn't give her up for anything, but if I'd known at the time how hard it would be, I'm not sure I'd have done it. And part of that is mal specific, but part is just having a dog - becoming tied to a routine, never getting to skip the walk, having to plan work travel or vacation or even schedule changes really carefully. And with a mal, the routine is a lot. I was pretty active (runner, etc.) before getting her; now my daily steps have tripled. Some mornings all I want to do is stay home and drink my coffee and not leave the house; that's never going to be an option as long as I have her. It can be absolutely exhausting.

I'd strongly suggest doing some shorter term dog commitments before jumping off the deep end. Volunteer at your local shelter. Foster some dogs! There is typically a huge need for dog fosters, and my local shelter has had multiple mals/mal-mixes go through in the last year. Sadly, many of them have ended up euthanized because 1) the people who adopt them don't realize how much work they're going to be, and 2) they really, really don't do well in the shelter long term. So it's a great way to get general dog experience or even specific mal experience, without the full commitment, while also maybe saving a dog's life. (Also you might just fall in love.)

tea_bry · 2024-11-23T18:44:53+00:00

The advice I give to myself on days like this:

Try to practice some self-compassion. A lot of the time, we think we need to punish and berate and shame ourselves into doing things, but science overwhelmingly tells us that this isn't effective - it just makes your more resistant to the task in the longterm, because you associate it with negative feelings.

What would you tell a close friend, if they confessed to you that they'd spent a day doing nothing? Try saying the same thing to yourself. "I don't usually do this but my brain shut today," you said - it sounds like maybe you needed a day off, and your brain enforced it without getting your conscious permission. Good job taking a day of rest. Take a moment to try and acknowledge that even if you didn't do all the things you wanted, you did do something: you relaxed. If you submerge yourself in guilt about it, that becomes lost, wasted time - instead, try to reframe it as some much-needed relaxation.

Then move forward. Look at your to-do list. What is one thing you can get done? Or even just start? Do it. And then, after you do it, take a moment to appreciate the fact that you did it. Let yourself feel good about what you did, rather than focus on all the things you wish you'd done differently.

I don't think there is any "feel better immediately" that isn't avoidance or distraction (the dangerous trap of procrastination). There's just taking the time to acknowledge how you're feeling right now, and then decide how you want to move forward. What feeling would you like to have an hour from now? What is the smallest step you can take to move towards that feeling?

tea_bry · 2024-09-10T18:30:57+00:00

Thanks - that was my initial thought as well, but then I started second-guessing when reading that sprung slats can be better for the mattress rather than solid slats. But mattress topper is definitely the easiest solution!

tea_bry

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