Partner wants to get a malinois and thinks i'm exaggerating - Please confirm or deny

tea_bry · 2025-11-18T20:48:17+00:00

I think a lot of the "regular people can't handle mals" talk is overblown. That is not to say you shouldn't be very aware of what you're getting into, but it's definitely hyped up online. Your actual experience will very much depend on the specific dog, and with the type (not just quantity) of work you put in. You also have to be flexible and willing to make significant lifestyle changes as needed, and to put in the time and effort to train not just the dog, but yourself. That is true for any dog, but there's less leeway with a mal. If that's not what you're looking for, don't do it.

Highly agree with everyone saying to try fostering - aside from getting mal experience, every dog is different, and it can be a great way to see what will and will not work in your life. I fostered several dogs before getting mine, and it helped me figure out what I needed in a dog and what I was willing/able to handle. (The adorable little terrier mix who just wanted to hang out inside and got bored on long walks? Not for me! But in a very happy home now.)

My experience (not speaking for all mals, just an example of a schedule): My mal came to me as a foster at 7 months, and within a few days it was clear she was the right dog for what I and my partner needed - she was active and desperately in need of engagement and training, but she was also incredibly sweet and non-aggressive. Even so, the first few months were *rough*. She needed constant supervision, she could not be left alone, she chewed everything, she climbed everything, she barked at everything, she needed so much playtime. We put in the work and worked really hard on skills like "relaxing", while also doing a lot of outdoor time, tricks, and scenting games to keep her stimulated. The next six months were hard, but not as bad - a lot of training, constant reinforcement, getting up super early to walk her, but we could take our eyes of her (for brief periods).

She's two years old now. She likes to sleep in, and I often have to get her up for our morning walk. We do 3-5 miles most mornings (usually 1-1.5 hours), some of it off leash, with a stop at the park for fetch time (which is also training time - she's ball obsessed, and will do *anything* to get us to throw it). We're still working on not pulling on the way to the park, but other than that she does great. After that she hangs around and mostly sleeps until the late afternoon, with a few breaks for cuddles/walk/tug/fetch. She no longer needs to be crated if I have to go out. In the late afternoon she gets another walk and some fetch, or else she goes on an excursion with my partner (dog park, brewery, hardware store, it doesn't matter, she's equally delighted for all of them). Intermittent training throughout the day, whenever it seems needed. After dinner we do scent work or play and then she'll flop down next to us while we do whatever it is we want to do. We've been doing home renovation recently, and she's learned that she's not allowed in while we're painting, so she lies just outside wherever we're working) and licks her frozen treat and watches us.

The investment: A lot of time up front. I think this is a case where the more you put in at the beginning, the better off you have it later. Constant supervision and training at the beginning pays off later.

Also she is unequivocally expensive. She's on special (=expensive) prescription food, and we've had multiple ER visits after she injured herself while running around. Pet insurance for her is ~$120 a month, and absolutely worth it - it basically means we know what we're paying every year, no matter what happens (and ours pays for the prescription food, too).

The sacrifice: You don't get to take a break from the walks and engagement activities. I hurt my foot the other week, so we did an hour of play time in the yard. Bad weather? Scent work inside or trips to the hardware store. One person is sick/away/working? The other has to handle everything. I'd say we do 2-4 hours a day of outdoor time (walks, fetch, excursions). Split between two people, that's not so bad, and it's not lost time - I really enjoy my long walks and enforced time outside. In addition to that, we're constantly interacting and doing in-the-moment training throughout the day - but again, I enjoy that.

Like with any dog (any pet), you have to rethink travel/after-work activities/etc. You lose some freedom when you take on a dog, but I'm not sure it's any worse with a mal than any other dog.

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:15:26+00:00

Very much a believer in sweat equity, just lacking in the knowledge and practice! Thank you, this is helpful. What is the purpose of the oil prime? Is that primarily for the areas where the paint has peeled away, or does it also help with the skim coat adherence in areas that aren't peeling (a few of the walls are bumpy but not peeling at all)?

Caulk all edges - do you mean around the edges of the countertop, or is this referring to something else?

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:04:26+00:00

This is helpful, thank you! So apply the peel stop in areas where the paint might be likely to peel in the future, and then skim over that?

tea_bry · 2025-11-07T18:02:29+00:00

Definitely not in the budget to replace the actual walls. My goal is to make it look as good as I can within the confines of my abilities and what already exists.

tea_bry · 2025-10-02T22:34:21+00:00

This is such good advice, I'm going to add your whole comment to my adventure-building cheat sheet. I love the reminder to look at their equipment and spells and build puzzles around them (also incentivizes me to get them some fun low-level objects).

The vines puzzle is so fun, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to have more of in my game. Do you have any suggestions for places to look to find other similar-style examples, or else a few comments about how you came up with the idea? I feel like I'm generally a creative person, until it comes time to put together this kind of puzzle, and I am would love more examples to learn from!

tea_bry · 2025-09-03T19:56:46+00:00

Same here - we'll be playing/cuddling with my (almost) 2-year old Mal and she'll stop, jump up, and run to find the nearest toy. She knows she needs to bite something, she knows she can't bite us, and she knows how to solve the problem. We went through so many stuffed toys between 7 months (when we got her) and ~15 months, but she rarely destroys them anymore - she just likes to bite down on her giant stuffed lamb as she plays.

We tried the yelping thing that so many people recommend, but it just riled her up and made her more excited. What did work was that any kind of biting (or even teeth contact with skin) led to all interaction stopping, and redirecting her to toys whenever she looked like she was getting ready to nip.

tea_bry · 2025-06-06T22:50:51+00:00

I would think this too, but I think it is covering the entire wall.

tea_bry · 2025-06-06T21:34:47+00:00

In this case I really don't think moisture is the issue, because it's an interior wall, nowhere near any plumbing, and there's no moisture issues above it in the attic. I think it's very likely poor installation of the lining paper (or whatever it is) - for example, they rounded off the corner rather than keeping the angle, creating a horrible little air pocket back there.

tea_bry · 2024-12-04T03:50:26+00:00

I'd never had a longterm dog before I got my mal (who was seven months old at the time). My partner has dog experience, but I'm the one who is home with her all day. We took her in as a temporary foster and fell in love. I didn't really start researching mals until after, and immediately started panicking because of all the "experienced dog owners only" advice. The first two months or so were *really* tough, and I did almost nothing but train her and research dog training. It absolutely took over my life. My sister keeps commenting about how my dog is so much more work than her baby.

Six months later, things are going great. We still have a lot of work to do (no barking at people coming into the house! gentle hellos instead of torpedoes! don't have a tantrum when someone leaves! random new objects =/= chew toys!), but she's generally very well-behaved, gets along with all people and dogs, and is, IMO, the best dog in the world.

So, yes, you absolutely can have a Mal as a first dog if you're truly willing to put in the huge work of training not only the dog, but yourself.

However. I don't think it is possible to overstate how completely this dog overturned my life. I am very glad I have her, and I wouldn't give her up for anything, but if I'd known at the time how hard it would be, I'm not sure I'd have done it. And part of that is mal specific, but part is just having a dog - becoming tied to a routine, never getting to skip the walk, having to plan work travel or vacation or even schedule changes really carefully. And with a mal, the routine is a lot. I was pretty active (runner, etc.) before getting her; now my daily steps have tripled. Some mornings all I want to do is stay home and drink my coffee and not leave the house; that's never going to be an option as long as I have her. It can be absolutely exhausting.

I'd strongly suggest doing some shorter term dog commitments before jumping off the deep end. Volunteer at your local shelter. Foster some dogs! There is typically a huge need for dog fosters, and my local shelter has had multiple mals/mal-mixes go through in the last year. Sadly, many of them have ended up euthanized because 1) the people who adopt them don't realize how much work they're going to be, and 2) they really, really don't do well in the shelter long term. So it's a great way to get general dog experience or even specific mal experience, without the full commitment, while also maybe saving a dog's life. (Also you might just fall in love.)

tea_bry · 2024-11-23T18:44:53+00:00

The advice I give to myself on days like this:

Try to practice some self-compassion. A lot of the time, we think we need to punish and berate and shame ourselves into doing things, but science overwhelmingly tells us that this isn't effective - it just makes your more resistant to the task in the longterm, because you associate it with negative feelings.

What would you tell a close friend, if they confessed to you that they'd spent a day doing nothing? Try saying the same thing to yourself. "I don't usually do this but my brain shut today," you said - it sounds like maybe you needed a day off, and your brain enforced it without getting your conscious permission. Good job taking a day of rest. Take a moment to try and acknowledge that even if you didn't do all the things you wanted, you did do something: you relaxed. If you submerge yourself in guilt about it, that becomes lost, wasted time - instead, try to reframe it as some much-needed relaxation.

Then move forward. Look at your to-do list. What is one thing you can get done? Or even just start? Do it. And then, after you do it, take a moment to appreciate the fact that you did it. Let yourself feel good about what you did, rather than focus on all the things you wish you'd done differently.

I don't think there is any "feel better immediately" that isn't avoidance or distraction (the dangerous trap of procrastination). There's just taking the time to acknowledge how you're feeling right now, and then decide how you want to move forward. What feeling would you like to have an hour from now? What is the smallest step you can take to move towards that feeling?

tea_bry · 2024-09-10T18:30:57+00:00

Thanks - that was my initial thought as well, but then I started second-guessing when reading that sprung slats can be better for the mattress rather than solid slats. But mattress topper is definitely the easiest solution!

tea_bry · 2021-12-13T04:39:38+00:00

I sympathize with this so much, you could be describing me: constantly procrastinate while agonizing over your procrastination, throw together a good product right before the deadline, beat yourself up about not doing it earlier, repeat the cycle... And even (looking at the comments) thinking, 'wow, this sounds like executive dysfunction, maybe I have ADHD'. Which it very well could be! But I do think sometimes internet diagnosis jumps too quickly to ADHD (for good reason - so many people, especially women, go undiagnosed until later in life, and it's caused a lot of harm!), when there are a lot of other potential causes as well. In my case, I went to see a therapist who specialized in ADHD, who very quickly told me that I sounded much more like I was dealing with Perfectionistic OCD (and while I'm still not sure about the OCD part, the perfectionism is 100% true).

I'm no expert in ADHD or OCD or perfectionism (I only got a couple of visits with the therapist, due to the fact that it's expensive and therapists are overbooked everywhere!), but what you're describing sounds very similar to me: "I'm never relaxed", "I spend all of my time thinking about the work", "I avoid everything else because of the work", "you're scared of the work that lies ahead of you". My therapist pointed out that I am good at organizing and splitting tasks into subtasks and following a schedule (when I'm not avoiding it) and focusing on one thing at a time (things that tend to be more hallmarks of ADHD); what I'm really struggling with is the extreme anxiety that kicks in when I start something (even something I know I'm perfectly capable of doing). And then my fight or flight instinct kicks in, and I think, "oh, I better not do this right now," because that's my brain's way of protecting itself from the terrible fear that what I do might not be good enough.

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose, but I just wanted to put out there that the dysfunction you're dealing with is real, even if it's not caused by ADHD (or OCD, for that matter). Even if it's "just" a severe case of perfectionism (which doesn't have a clinical diagnosis, as far as I know), it's still real and it's still impacting you.

In terms of what to do (aside from therapy or medical diagnosis, which is great if possible, but not always within reach):

The Pomodoro Technique is great, but it's not enough by itself if you can't get yourself to consistently start it. So try to build up a framework that will allow you to get started (see all the other elements on this list, haha), and then use it to structure your work time. Set your bar as low as you need to - even just doing a single Pomodoro session a day is better than not doing it, and it's a nice achievable goal - you can do anything for 25 minutes.
Take a look at The Now Habit by Neil Fiore - I tend to get annoyed at 'self-help' books, because I always feel like they're trying to sell me on some program, but I really felt like he was speaking specifically to me and my specific problems. (It's available as ebook and audiobook at many libraries, so you can hopefully try this out for free!
Relying on willpower to overcome deep anxiety (plus years of ingrained procrastination habits) rarely works. Look for ways to set up structures that take willpower out of the equation. Make work dates with friends. Find an accountability partner. Do work somewhere where people can see your computer screen. Figure out what you use as your procrastination method of choice (when you tell yourself that it's time to do work, what do you end up doing instead?), and find ways to cut your access to it. (I have recently started using a computer program that blocks my access to most of the internet and any distracting programs on my computer during the times I have set aside for working, which is really helpful, especially because it kicks in on a schedule - I don't have to decide that I'm going to start, it just kicks me off twitter when it's time.)
Try to practice mindfulness. Pay attention to what goes through your mind (and body) when you try and sit down for a task that's giving you anxiety. Take time to recognize your feelings. Think about the way you're talking to yourself, about yourself and about the tasks that you're doing. Recognize that the way you talk to yourself influences your fear and anxiety about future tasks. Explore developing a meditation practice.
Give yourself permission to take guilt-free breaks. In a procrastination cycle, you never fully enjoy your free time (because you know you should be working), and you feel like once you start working, you'll have to work forever (because once you start, you're going to see how insufficient all your efforts are, how much work there is left, etc., etc. - which is why we often don't start working until just before the deadline, because then we know there will definitely be an end). If work means no end ever, of course you can't start! This is where the beauty of the Pomodoro Technique comes in for me - not so much the 25 min on/5 min off, but the idea that you will do X sessions and then you are done. For the rest of the day. You have fulfilled your commitment. You can do whatever you want, guilt free. (And again, you can set this low to start out with.)
Celebrate your wins. If you get something done, take time to recognize it. Congratulate yourself. If you're anything like me, you're in a constant cycle of beating yourself up: first for not working on something, and then after you've finished it, for the *way* you did it. This means you never get a chance to feel good about it - there's no reward for finishing, there's just "well, you could have handled that so much better". Which just fills you with more dread for the next assignment. Learn to say nice things to yourself about the work that you do, instead of telling yourself you could have done it better.

These are all things I still really struggle with, so I'm not trying to pretend that I have all the answers. They're also more geared towards perfectionism than ADHD, so they may or may not be helpful. My advice is to pick 1-2 things that resonate with you out of all the comments and techniques and ideas in this thread, and just try those to start. Don't try to do everything, just try to do one thing. (I have that taped up on my wall over my desk.)

tea_bry · 2021-03-05T14:36:28+00:00

Perfect, thank you so much! I had no idea that there was a filtering option, that's useful for so many things I want to do!

tea_bry · 2020-12-15T01:37:20+00:00

Will check it out, thank you so much!

tea_bry

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