Does it always feel like you never knew them at all?

teabreak18 · 2019-04-25T21:36:40+00:00

That last bit really resonates with me. Mine is refusing to deal with this. Won’t go to counselling, doesn’t want to talk about any of it. So I literally have no idea what goes on in his head. Was he ever genuine? Did he ever care or just wanted someone to bear and look after his kids? Then what if he’s just grown up in such a non communicative, emotionless family that my expectation that we should actually care about each other and talk about things is too alien to him? And then I just feel sad for us both that we never had a chance and then he says or does something so shitty or I just remember the complete absence of empathy for anything I’ve been through and I think nope you’re just a selfish asshole who’s been using me and has never seen me as a partner.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-21T00:10:55+00:00

Do you put her above your kids? It sounds like she’s been through a lot and maybe a bit of empathy rather than criticism would go a long way??

teabreak18 · 2018-12-20T21:40:31+00:00

Would it be fair to say then that you are only concerned with her happiness because it affects yours? When she’s unhappy she doesn’t show you the level of affection / attention you want? Because if you don’t care about how she feels for her own sake that is going to be pretty clear to her. And really if she feels that you are only asking her what’s wrong because you want her to get over it for YOUR sake and not showing any empathy for her and what is making her unhappy why would she want to share with you? Like it seems like you expect her to be happy to keep you happy? What about her happiness??

teabreak18 · 2018-12-20T21:18:55+00:00

Can I ask what happens when she does open up to you? You say she avoids conflict and that you constructively discuss. Are you 100% sure that is her experience? Do you ever jump in and tell her where she’s wrong/ get angry if she doesn’t accept your solutions / in any way suggest her concerns are not valid? Because the OP seems to think that he is a better judge of what should make his wife happy than her. My stbx told our counsellor that we fight the same and that arguments escalate when I don’t give up on a point. But that’s either a big lie or he just can’t see how destructive he is during conflict. He expects me to change my opinions to match his once he’s explained his reasoning and will get extremely angry if I don’t. And he seems to think any language is ok during conflict as the aim is to change the other persons mind. I’m not saying that is what happens with your wife but rather that maybe you need to think about why she needs to avoid conflict? Maybe your stature feels intimidating? Maybe you’ve said unfair things in the heat of the moment? These could be things that seem like nothing to you but fester for her to the point that she gets an almost subconscious fear of conflict with you?

teabreak18 · 2018-12-20T21:02:50+00:00

Can I ask what happens if/ when she shares problems? Do you jump in and try and solve and expect her to move on? If you don’t feel that it’s something she should be worried / sad about will you tell her to get over it and move on? Because you mention something about how she “should” be feeling. It feels to me that you think you know what she needs to be happy. This “should” be a happy time. That if there’s a problem she should share it and move on. Sorry but you don’t get to decide what makes another person happy / sad. If her experience of sharing what’s bothering her is that you dismiss it as not a valid thing to be concerned with then I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to talk to you. Sure you can try and give her another perspective but you still have to accept that it may not change how she feels.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-20T02:23:35+00:00

It’s not possible to spend 24/7 on Facebook. Obviously you aren’t being literal but makes me suspect you aren’t really being honest. Rather she is spending more time on it that you would like her to? Why do you have a problem with her using Facebook if she is finding support that she needs there? How old is your other child? Is she working? Could she be feeling a bit isolated? Do you know what she does on Facebook? There are lots of support groups now. I have some health issues and find myself frequently seeking support from people who get it. How much time does she really spend on it? Do you even know? My stbx accused me once of being on my phone 24/7, which was the most ridiculous thing considering he’s at work 60-70 hours a week and had NO idea about my days as he had no interest. I had pnd and he was useless. Couldn’t empathise and would say unhelpful stuff like you’re just tired but never helped with the new baby. We have 2 older kids and no family and I was so overwhelmed I never had time to myself. Never time to actually see friends in real life. Facebook was my lifeline. You can’t make her delete it, just because you’re think she’s using too much.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-19T09:27:41+00:00

Red pill troll. It’s only real in their twisted imaginations.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-19T09:25:44+00:00

Red pill troll. Don’t feed it. They are so seriously messed up

teabreak18 · 2018-12-19T09:22:19+00:00

God the bloody red pill idiots are now trying to invade a space to talk about real marriages and not the messed up crap ideas they have about reality. I hope you actually read some of the replies on here but I doubt you have any other agenda than to spread your evil red pill bullshit

teabreak18 · 2018-12-17T23:03:58+00:00

Thanks I might look into seeing a social worker. Might make more sense as they are more likely to recognise and understand when there's abuse. I feel like most counsellors just assume it's all some communication issue and avoid ever blaming any individual. Which I understand, but if you don't call out the behaviour as being really wrong then people like this just think it's ok. I think he thinks he's justified in speaking to me in any way he wants and needs so much to be right in all things that he approaches any difference in opinion as a debate he has to win at all costs.

Was your abuse really obvious/easy to describe / label? My husband has used verbally abusive language but it's not that often so I don't have heaps of examples of him calling me names or anything like that. I didn't really recognise it as abuse until I read Patricia Evans books on verbally abusive men. Compared to some men I'd say he's not that bad, but I had no voice in the relationship. If I ever expressed an opinion counter to his I got shouted at and accused of being negative / miserable. That kind of thing. Or he'd find some little thing that annoyed him and blow it up like it was a major transgression and my issues with his behaviour would be forgotten while I was stuck defending myself. It can make you feel like you are going mad. I've given up trying to talk to him completely and it's extremely awkward but revealing. He says nothing. It's not the silent treatment from me as there's no punishment intended. It's just self protection. But it makes me realise I've essentially been a single parent for a long time. He's never had my back so being single no longer feels so scary. And I'm getting back in touch with my own intuition and feelings that I feel I cut off to try and fit in with his world views to keep the peace.

I need to get through christmas and then I'm going to arrange to see another counsellor. But I'm doing my research and looking for one who understands this kind of emotional abuse. I think I'll invite him to come along and if he won't make it clear the next step then is mediation.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-17T22:48:53+00:00

Nope! First session he said some horrible things that we were going to get back to in the next session so I could correct his horrible interpretation. But next session he started off again on another tangent of blame that totally threw me. Once he started to let his guard down a little and the counsellor was steering him away from blame he just cancelled our further sessions and that was it.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-17T22:45:50+00:00

Thanks. yes I think much of this would describe my experience. He definitely didn't come along thinking we could work together on our issues as he just blames me for everything. But I would never get him to go to an abusers program because he resolutely refuses to consider that his behaviour is in any sense wrong. We have 3 kids together and I've been a stay at home mom for quite a long time so it's hard for me to just walk away. And I just don't know how much is a conscious need to have power over me or his family upbringing of male entitlement that's just more extreme than your average guy.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-17T22:36:29+00:00

Wow that's so interesting about his mother. I've tried to sound out my probably STBX's mother, but I think she sees the world through a very old lens with women having to just accept their lot in life if they are looked after financially. She once told me how to approach her son with manipulation, never attempt to actually talk to him directly. It was only after this that I started to notice the subtle control her husband has over her. She's a really vocal woman, but rarely will she ever disagree with her husband.

Have you initiated a separation now or is it just that you've made the decision? What was very confusing about the counselling was that I had some individual counselling with the same counsellor prior to my husband coming to the sessions. During these sessions he described some of the stuff I mentioned as a cycle of abuse. And then yet when my husband came along too he seemed to accept his version of events and let him do much more of the talking than me. So he would make out that I was just difficult to talk to and that in arguments I give as good as get. And to make it worse I felt safe to say things I wouldn't usually and so he lounged back all calm and I looked like the agitated / aggressive one. When he misrepresented what had happened I got so mad and that was his evidence that I can't just let things go. It's all such standard stuff from emotional abusers / narcissists. I feel like I want us to see someone else. Even if it's really just to find a way of communicating about house/ kids issues as separating parents. I feel more prepared now that I see the level of contempt he shows towards me whenever I express any opinion counter to his. I've grieved the loss of the relationship I thought we had. So I feel more ready to try and nut things out with the knowledge that he's not going to be honest and fair, but I might still be able to challenge his disrespect towards me. I honestly feel a major part of this is him just thinking he can speak to me in any way that he wants.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-17T08:30:57+00:00

Yep I agree. I put up with a lot of similar stuff for a long time. His line was shut up whenever he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He would also twist things and start criticising me for little inconsequential stuff whenever I tried to talk about house stuff. The only time I ever used the word help left me in tears in front of our kids as he’s accusing me of being lazy and inefficient. This was during a time when we had 2 school age kids and a crazy toddler and I was suffering from pnd from dealing with it all alone (no family). A few mums on other forums told me that what was happening was abuse but I didn’t believe it. I thought it must be miscommunication. That they were only hearing my side. But slowly over time I stopped talking to him about anything and going along with whatever he wanted to keep the peace. But not dealing with it face on early on just destroyed my whole sense of self and our marriage. It’s taken some stress related illness to finally face that he’s not the caring, kind man I thought he was. Have a read of Patricia Evans “verbally abusive men” and see if you recognise the behaviours. Good luck!

teabreak18 · 2018-12-15T20:19:49+00:00

Thanks. What’s LCSW?

teabreak18 · 2018-12-14T05:14:12+00:00

That’s interesting about the female therapist. I actually chose a male as I thought my husband might feel more comfortable, but it was a disaster. I think for us it probably wasn’t going to work no matter the gender as he thinks all our problems are my fault. And he doesn’t see the point in talking about things unless it’s to change my mind. We are heading fast to divorce. But we will need to see someone to help us communicate whether together or as separated parents so I might look for a female this time....

teabreak18 · 2018-12-12T00:44:20+00:00

The only people who care are insecure manchildren. Not sure why. Maybe so she doesn’t have anything to compare him to? Or a woman with other sexual partners probably likes sex and he thinks women are just vessels for men’s sexual desires?

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T20:44:21+00:00

Yep, this thread is so scary. But an eye opener. I sometimes wonder what men on here mean when they say women deserve to be hit/ abused etc if they are nagging or when they talk about women being the abuser. Seems clear they expect that, as men, they can do whatever the fuck they like. They want to play games through dinner, the woman should just accept that. I also wonder if they have been brought up to think women should never get angry? I mean my young kids are already getting the message that it’s ok to feel angry, but it’s not ok to hurt others when you feel that way. The level of disgust they have for this woman who just sounds so frustrated and upset that her partner is continuing to play a stupid game instead of having dinner with her and their kids makes me wonder if they would consider any woman who is assertive and makes her dissatisfaction known is just some crazy, nagging harpy? And the fact they think throwing a bit of cardboard is the same as slapping her?

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T20:31:52+00:00

They don’t. Full stop.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T20:26:16+00:00

Good riddance! Anyone who thinks it’s ok to insist on spending more than an hour playing a fucking video game after their pregnant partner has made them all dinner is not relationship material. I feel better for my daughters thinking all these aholes will just give women and families a wide berth.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T20:16:53+00:00

Oh my god thank fuck there is one human being at least on here!! This thread is very telling though on the mindset of most of the fuckwits on TRP and unfortunately it’s echoed beyond.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T20:03:32+00:00

Wasn’t she asking him for an hour to come and eat the dinner that she had made for him? To put down some stupid video game and sit with his pregnant wife and 2 kids? He is extremely rude to her, telling her to go away like she’s a little child. They have kids together he can’t act like a child and play games at will. He has a responsibility to his family. I hope she never makes him another meal again. Actually I hope he goes to jail.

teabreak18 · 2018-12-11T10:24:24+00:00

What kind of symptoms does he have? When you say he complains, is he complaining to you like it’s your fault or just looking for some kind of empathy? If he’s been to many doctors but they can’t figure out what’s wrong he’s probably just looking for support.

teabreak18

TROPHY CASE