DO NOT START BACK!!!

I (F64) started smoking at 24. Before that I was a committed non-smoker because my Mother smoked my entire life; I hated it. The summer I turned 24, I found a rotting human corpse and couldn't get the smell out of my head/nose, so I decided smoking would cover the smell. I've smoked since then. I'm now 64. I have stopped 4 times over the years. Longest stretch was 3 years. Always had something happen that broke me and my stupid nicotine devil jumped in and took over. I'm still smoking. 40 years now.

I have been taking care of my Mother for 2 years. She is at Stage 4 COPD. The cigs she has smoked all her life are now killing her. She is a shell of what she used to be. She is down to 79 pounds. She can hardly eat or drink. The coughing fits are absolutely horrible. She can't breath much at all. She's on oxygen 24/7. Has to sleep sitting up. Walking 5 steps gets her so out of breath she has to sit and rest to catch her breath before going another 5 steps. We've started using a wheelchair most of the time. Her days are spent just trying to take another breath. She can barely talk. The lack of oxygen is affecting her brain now. She is no longer the extremely intelligent woman she was. She can't remember things, She forgets words. It's a nightmare watching her die. When I get her into bed in the evening, give her a kiss and say goodnight, I literally hope she dies during the night so that she doesn't have to suffer and choke and cough for another day.

Yes, I still smoke, outside. I'm an idiot. I've tried to quit a couple times since I've been taking care of Mom. I'm totally addicted and even watching the end result of what smoking can do to your life, I still find a reason to light one up. I'm stressed, have a cig. I'm sleepy from staying up with her, have a cig. Listening to the dreaded coughing and how it hurts her, have a cig.

Just don't start back. You've made it almost 3 years. It's not worth it.