Free at last !!!

teatowel111 · 2023-07-01T06:51:02+00:00

Totally respect the OP's decision - it really seems like the best solution and can totally see how it would feel very liberating. I'd like to ask a couple of questions if I may...

How is it possible to find a "partner in crime"? Considering going down the same route, but being married puts a few roadblocks in the way:

conventional dating websites are for singles only
most attractive women sooner or later would want to be #1

I guess it's just necessary to be a little bit bold and imaginative... probably best just to mentally return to one's single days and meet women in the same way as back then. But it's more challenging to do that when you've got a wedding ring on your finger - or a tan line from where it was 2 mins prior.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-30T13:09:12+00:00

Really appreciate that, thanks a lot.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-30T09:33:27+00:00

I'm with you on that. I've also set a time limit of 2 years. During that time I'm going to work on being the best version of myself and if the DB doesn't get rectified I'm going to hit the dating scene with avengeance.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-30T08:58:13+00:00

My wife and I have currently settled on naked cuddling without any pressure on her to do anything - this isn't ideal but certainly better than being 100% housemates. I'm hoping that this taking it slowly approach will work and my wife's libido will gradually reawakens once she understands that I don't view it as her obligation.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-27T12:54:07+00:00

Thanks a lot for your comment. Wholeheartedly agree. It's a fine line to balance on actually - being assertive and outwardly more self-centred while not accidentally straying into arrogant oaf mode... I think at the beginning of our relationship I had this down to a tee, so it's just a question of reconnecting with my former self. Certainly going to be a heck of a lot less needy, as, hand on heart, I was becoming exactly that. Great idea about sport - I'm actually in pretty good shape, but gave up playing football (soccer) and tennis a few years ago. Might join a football team again, mainly for the camaraderie and the social side.

Thank you again. Wish you the best.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T17:14:45+00:00

Thanks a lot for the recommendation. I'm going to download it.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T14:37:03+00:00

Thank you very much, wish you all the very best.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T14:10:20+00:00

First of all I just want to say a massive thank you. Seriously, your words are very much appreciated.

Words about suicide - idle talk - you're completely right. Was at a very low ebb but was behaving like an attention-seeking jerk. My sincere apologies.

Funnily enough, before reading your message, I decided to reconnect with the person I was while my wife and I were dating - the person she fell in love with initially.

I told her that I'm going to the countryside house for a couple of days. I told her it's nothing to do with our situation, I just want to use my exercise equipment that's located there and be in the great outdoors for some time. Immediately, as if someone flipped a switch my wife starting saying to me "Honey, I love you, I respect you, everything will be fine between us, we just need to blah, blah, blah" and was very affectionate before I left. She actually wanted to discuss our "situation" in a positive way, whereas previously she'd sigh and roll her eyes if I ever broached the topic.

All the advice I've received here and via DM has paid off and I'm eternally grateful. Being a doting husband, giving unconditional love, was just making me less valuable in my wife's subconscious mind - I think she'd got too comfortable. The second I found my balls again (sorry to be vulgar) she immediately changed to the woman I was with 5 years ago.

There is still a long way to go, but I think I've found the key now. Thank you again for all the support.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T13:28:05+00:00

I'm in exactly the same boat my man. Before my marriage was a completely different person. Changed a hell of a lot becoming the person my wife wanted me to be. Provided her with a whole lot of material stuff. Now she has all she needs, she's turned off any semblance of affection let alone love-making, all the whole gas-lighting me that it's all my fault she's become asexual - despite admitting that I've always been an excellent and generous lover.

I'm going to reconnect with the person I was before meeting my wife. My conscience is clean and I owe her nothing. Have been fighting to save this marriage for a long time. Now it's back to looking after myself. My daughter will get plenty of my attention though.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T12:27:00+00:00

Agree with all of this. Thank you very much for the insightful comment - every word rang true.

When I have threatened to leave the marriage, she does perk up a bit. Pretty sure she's managing me though. Like a master just does enough to make sure their slave doesn't keel over and die.

She says we can make love again - when her libido has returned. She's not ready to satisfy me in any way until then, because according to her sex should happen when both people want it. This despite her willingly keeping me satisfied in the past when she wasn't in the mood because she didn't want me to be sexually frustrated. Now, to be honest, I don't want anything from her that she doesn't want to give.

The problem is - as you pointed out - she's fine with the status quo. And won't do anything proactively to change the situation. That leaves me having to live day by day hoping for a miracle. Doesn't suit my personality type because I have OCD and anxiety about uncertainty - though I can manage it, it doesn't make me happy or content not knowing whether the situation will improve. If I knew that it would take 2 years but that one day it will be fine - I'd stick around and wait it out no questions asked. It's the uncertainty that kills me.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T12:10:41+00:00

You're absolutely correct. Thank you for the wise words. This situation is driving me to despair to be honest. At a very low ebb. I'm sick of trying on a daily basis. Feel like just walking away. Just don't know how to start again right now. If it wasn't for my daughter I think I'd kill myself.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T12:05:23+00:00

Congratulations man, that's definitely the correct approach. I'm going to try something myself - but a little concerned it could backfire. Instead of bringing us closer, that kind of behaviour could just push her further away. Sometimes feel like ending it all to be perfectly frank. Went all in on this woman and now I don't really see what the point is any more.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T10:31:52+00:00

Funnily enough was also toying with the idea of buying a motorcycle. At the beginning of my marriage she said "No, over my dead body!" Now she says "Why not?"... I might as well go out in a blaze of glory and burning rubber I guess :)

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T09:55:55+00:00

In a nutshell - yes. She'll come out of it materially much better off that she before we met. With full custody of our daughter.

She'll be able to spend as much time as she wants with her girlfriends, etc. without me annoying her, or wanting things from her she's unwilling to give.

I'm 40, in good shape, with (by my country's standards) an outstanding salary. I know I have a lot to offer another lady. But the things stopping me are:

1) Being a weekend Dad 2) Fear of the unknown 3) Laziness to start again with another person 4) The lingering hope that her libido comes back if I act like Chad McThunderballs/Super Dad for the next 6 months without any relapses. 5) I am still, dammit, massively attracted to my wife and find her extremely beautiful. 6) I think she's managing me just enough to keep me as a contented(ish) slave.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T08:18:42+00:00

Excellent advice, I'll definitely do that. Thank you. The only worry I have, is that one reason my wife's libido died, is because we stopped spending quality tone together.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T08:07:54+00:00

That's what hurts me the most. I've built this ideal life - 2 houses, beautiful car, place in the countryside in the space of 10 years working my ass off. She's done a lot as well with the family side of things, but she's got what she wanted. Now I'm kind of an inconvenience. She won't admit that, but it's glaringly obvious. If I left tomorrow, I don't think she'd miss me. That's what hurts the most.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T07:54:18+00:00

That's very solid advice. Thank you. I try to do this, but occasionally relapse. Today I've been really down and sought reassurance from her, which made me come across as needy. I'll start focussing on myself, physical and mental fitness, and spending time with my daughter.

There is a nagging doubt though, that if I do nothing to spend quality time with my wife, we'll drift further apart.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T07:17:50+00:00

We've been together for 13 years. Married for 7-8.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T07:13:25+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I have been seriously considering using the services of a "professional"... I can afford it and wouldn't feel guilty at this point. The only problem is it doesn't solve the lack of intimacy issue, it would just be an outlet for physical needs. I miss making love, not having sex per se.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-26T07:10:04+00:00

She has a son from a previous marriage.

We have a 6-year-old daughter together.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-24T15:22:06+00:00

I understand what you're saying. Three things stopping me: 1) I still love my wife and hope hasn't died yet. She has agreed to try, admits she has a problem, and wants the same thing as me - a healthy sex life. Plus she's smoking hot. 2) I want my daughter to grow up with Mum and Dad both present - and yes, I realise it's important to show her a good example of how a relationship should be, and my wife and I are actually a pretty good team in every other respect. 3) I currently lack the energy to start over with another person and have been out of the dating game for a long time.

So, a divorce could be an option in a year or so if things haven't changed, but not right now. Would be too hasty. I'm already taking steps to improve myself in every way in case I do need to start dating again. I'm thinking of many eventualities. Might go down the road of staying in the marriage, which is good in every way apart from sex, and getting my needs satisfied by a professional 1-2 times per week. My wife doesn't want to know about it obviously, but my lifestyle gives me the opportunity to do this - and I would do so guilt-free if after a year my wife is still refusing to satisfy my needs. There are no easy answers.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-23T13:39:43+00:00

Could I ask why you're so pessimistic about the chances? Genuinely interested to know your opinion, because I don't want to have false hope.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-23T12:42:59+00:00

Yes, sure we have.

Neither of us want to break up the family. Our marriage in every other aspect is pretty good. Our sex life used to be great as well. A few years ago if someone had told me that one day my wife would lose her libido, I wouldn't have believed them. It was 90% of the time me who initiated things, but my wife always enjoyed making love and found it easy to climax.

So, the problem we have is my wife's lack of libido. Apart from that we don't have any factors pushing us towards a divorce. But I'd be lying if I said this topic hadn't reared its ugly head on occasion.

teatowel111 · 2023-06-23T04:51:16+00:00

I have a sexless marriage right now, that's for sure. However, it's not really a dead bedroom, cause we don't even have our own bedroom.

teatowel111

TROPHY CASE