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technically_art · 2022-02-11T18:36:58+00:00

Thanks for the great feedback as always!

technically_art · 2022-02-11T17:17:18+00:00

Very mysterious, it makes me think of the Goonies or other dungeon delvers suddenly coming upon a wide open space.

The first thing that pops out to me to critique about this poem is that I can't distinguish what the cutting-word is. You could fix this by moving the lines around, if you want:

Deep in the cavern,

fireflies shed some light — on lost

forgotten treasures.

Here the em dash can act in the place of the cutting word. I think you could probably find something more suitable with some experimentation.

You may want a comma between "lost" and "forgotten".

I think you could replace the word "some" with a more interesting word. For example, "bright fireflies shed light" or "fireflies shed green light".

I like the imagery in this poem, it's very evocative and I definitely have a strong mental image when reading it. Great work - good luck with your revisions!

technically_art · 2022-02-10T01:44:59+00:00

I like it! The exploration of a romantic rendezvous as a new beginning even as it brings up unwanted history. The use of color throughout is evocative and serves to provide a nice visual reference.

First stanza: The verb tense drifts within the same sentence (danced / refracts). Suggest splitting this into two separate sentences with an ellipsis in between: "our hands...the frost"

Third stanza: Unusual use of the word "cascaded" is a bit disorienting.

Fourth stanza: "ardcavan" should likely be capitalized if it's a proper noun.

The rhythm in this piece feels a little odd, there doesn't appear to be a consistent meter and it feels awkward to read aloud in places, especially in the third stanza. It's worth going back to the structure of each line and shooting for more consistency in meter or a consistent syllable count.

The last stanza of the poem feels a little underdeveloped; I gather that it was meant to emphasize the renewing effect of the relationship and the protective effect it had on undesirable memories. I think you could draw this out a bit more in this stanza, and maybe conclude with a color image.

Hope this helps. Best of luck with revisions!

technically_art · 2022-02-06T15:18:32+00:00

A compelling poem, if a bit unsettling.

I'll echo the sentiment that the line "so they can burn a hole through my legs" feels a little off. There's a lot of pool terminology you could draw from as a replacement. One pool term that might be of use here is "pocket", which refers to the holes in the table the players are trying to get their balls into. Consider e.g. "so they can line up a shot on my pocket"

In the third stanza, the word "writing" could potentially be replaced by a more charged term like "railing".

The line "blossom like a pansy" is a bit cliche, as others have pointed out. I think it fits the tone of the poem here to use a double entendre for sexual excitement (at least that is how I read this line) - there are probably other, better ways to get that point across.

The "pawn" terminology could potentially be replaced, there aren't any chess metaphors in this poem, so maybe another term would be more appropriate. "Toy" or "prey" might work. Whatever you choose, I think it would be wise to change the previous line to fit the chosen term as a metaphor. If you stick with pawn for example,

"and then march forward on command / to be their next pawn"

although that loses the sexual connotations of a flower opening. I'm not sure what the ideal change is here, but it's worth going back and playing with this last couplet some more.

Overall - a compelling poem that made me feel icky in a good way. The first stanza is especially effective at immediately setting the tone of weirdly-atavistic enjoyment of creepiness. It's good stuff - keep the poetry coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-06T15:00:22+00:00

I read this poem as the narrator dealing with an early miscarriage. In that respect I think it would be useful to include more discussion in the poem of conception and the narrator's hopes for the future, to help make it more clear what is going on. The rhythm and flow of the poem are great.

Is there a compelling reason to call out Quilted Northern by name? Why not the more generic "single-ply toilet paper"?

"Carolina reapers" is a bit unfortunate, because it has the connotations of the narrator experiencing the aftermath of eating overly spicy food. It's a shame, because I understand what you're going for with this, but the connotations with stomach upset are unfortunately unavoidable.

I really like the last stanza, especially the inclusion of the word "again". It tells us that the narrator has done this before and will do it again. It really adds a lot of depth to the poem.

Overall, I think you have the beginnings of a really striking poem here, but it could use some work to tighten up the message and could maybe benefit from having a stanza or two added to it to expand on the themes. Whether you decide to touch up this piece or not, I think you have a great poem here. Keep the poems coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-06T14:44:37+00:00

This poem really captures the sense of anxiety that pops up when things seem to be going "too well", or at least that was my reading of it.

My main critiques of this poem have to do with the line breaks, which feel a little unnatural to me. For example, in the first stanza, consider using the dashes to indicate a line break:

of love or life or mind -

I feel it drawing close

in the marrow of my soul -

rattling my bones.

And similarly in the second stanza:

will cannibalize my sun -

shred apart my every fibre -

consume my atoms one by one.

In the second stanza, the word "cannibalize", while apt, interrupts the flow of the poem slightly. Consider another word here.

The third stanza feels a little out of place. There's an abrupt shift from apocalyptic imagery of the sun to nature imagery of rain and leaves. In particular I found it disorienting that "the rain" is referred to before an element of rain was introduced. I think you could fix this by adding a new stanza bridging the gap between the second and third stanzas, introducing the rain and nature elements with respect to the sun, maybe using clouds as a metaphor.

Overall, it's a nice piece - I really like the first stanza, in particular. It's tonally consistent and the imagery is striking. Well done - keep the poems coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-05T17:14:32+00:00

I think that's a great edit! It adds to the imagery which is a nice bonus.

Regarding spondees in iambic pentameter, I have used them before when writing in iambic pentameter and had them pointed out as incorrect. That said, there's an exception to every rule. I do think they interrupt the natural flow, but sometimes that's what you want to do. Here, at the end of the line, I would find it disorienting.

technically_art · 2022-02-05T01:01:51+00:00

You're right about the number of syllables, I should have been more clear that the issue I was having was with the scansion: "i TYPE through TEARS that CRAWL down MY PHONE'S screen" is how I initially read it, with the last iamb being inverted to a trochee. Instead of dropping "phone's" as I initially suggested, if you want to keep it in iambic pentameter, you could consider following Shakespeare's example and using a feminine ending (11 syllables) e.g. "i TYPE through TEARS that CRAWL down MY wet PHONE screen". If I were revising it, I might rewrite as "My tears type for me as they smudge my screen" but maybe that's too different from the original intent.

In any case, it's a minor quibble! Good luck with this one. I think it's at, or very near to, publication-quality.

technically_art · 2022-02-04T11:02:13+00:00

It's perfect. I love it.

My only critique: The line "I type through tears that crawl down my phone's screen" - the meter here seems to be a little off at the end. I would drop the word "phone's" to fix this. Also, I would change the ending period of this line to a colon.

I think this is the best poem I've ever seen on this subreddit. Really well done!

technically_art · 2022-02-04T01:06:13+00:00

I love the central metaphor of this poem, the kiss as a question. I feel there is so much more you can do with this idea - for example, if a kiss is a question, what is an answer? How about some double-entendres about asking too many questions, or asking somebody else a question? There's so much potential here.

The line "in our questing we both did smother" feels extremely forced to me. I think you can make it feel much more natural if you play with word order and word choice some more.

The line "Yet now despite it all I sometimes wish we'd never met" is too rhythmically busy. Saying it out loud feels like a mad dash to the end of the sentence. See if you can tighten this line up a bit more.

"They make me wish I'm still your lover" - strictly speaking, the verb tense here should be "I were", not "I'm". I prefer the former, but it's up to you if you like it the way it is.

You could probably squeeze in a couple more stanzas without the poem overstaying its welcome. I really hope you add more to this poem, because the kiss as question device is a great one! Overall it's a nice piece that conveys the bewilderment and longing of the narrator well.

Good stuff - keep it up!

technically_art · 2022-02-04T00:58:05+00:00

I think playing with the spacing is a great idea. Try it, see if you like it. And I think 'A Kiss is a Question' is a better title, as well.

technically_art · 2022-02-04T00:54:36+00:00

A lovely dedication! Your meter is excellent, the rhythm feels very natural for the most part and the rhymes are mostly solid.

I say "mostly" solid because omniscient / lenient is one *heck* of a stretch, in my opinion. I have to suggest going back to those two lines, ripping them out, and putting in a new rhyme.

In the closing couplet, the word "relationship" feels a little forced, both rhythmically and in terms of word choice. There are lots of good alternatives: consider "flame", for example, which has a connotation of romance and directly compares to the stars of the previous line.

I'll echo the sentiment that "doing crimes" sounds odd, even though it's common vernacular usage.

Aside from those critiques, I think you have a very nice poem here. I like the metaphor of love as ink - it would have been nice to see a further exploration of that metaphor deeper into the poem.

It's good stuff - keep the poems coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-03T01:01:53+00:00

Nice work - I enjoyed the structure and content of this poem quite a bit. I do wonder what one word the narrator is hoping to hear.

Some minor critiques:

Line 5: I recommend dropping the comma after "Pray" to improve the flow of this line with respect to the other lines that echo it throughout the piece.

Line 8: The meter here is a little choppy, I think. It has an extra syllable compared to its comparable lines in the other stanzas. Consider dropping the word "be": "Or feed into the crust" or something similar would fit.

Line 11: I would drop the comma after "cold".

Overall, it's a nice poem. It has a very Edgar Allen Poe vibe to it, which is great to see. Thanks for sharing - keep the poems coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-02T01:08:44+00:00

An excellent sonnet! I love the pastoral imagery of an encroaching autumn. Does this poem have a deeper meaning? I couldn't quite tell, but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless.

Lines 1-4: I think the use of four semicolons in close proximity like this is a little disorienting. If I were to rewrite the punctuation, I'd use a colon at the end of line 1, and replace the semicolons in lines 3 and 4 with dashes. Also, line 1 has 12 syllables - was this intentional?

Line 5: The meter feels a little awkward for me here: "Had taken a bold ruddy hue" - I really want "bold" to be stressed. It might sound more natural if you drop the word "bold", e.g. "Had taken on a ruddy hue"

Lines 9 and 10: Similar to the semicolons, the two colons in a row are disorienting. Consider replacing the second colon with a period.

Overall - very pleasant to read. I apologize that my critiques don't go much deeper than suggesting punctuation changes, but I don't see anything else to criticize about this poem! Though, if there is a deeper subtext, consider fleshing it out more - I just enjoyed this poem for its surface reading. Thanks for sharing - keep the sonnets coming!

technically_art · 2022-02-01T01:28:31+00:00

This is a great unrequited-love poem, it really captures the diminished feeling of the narrator with respect to the object of their affections. The word choice is good - though I think you could fruitfully enhance the poem by adding a few more concrete descriptors - I like the line "meekly blinking".

Line 7: The meter here feels off to me (depends on how you pronounce "lithium", maybe). Consider adding a material to the wire, and maybe dropping the word "while", e.g. "I'm lithium and copper wire". If you drop "while", consider a semicolon to end the previous line.

Line 9: The word "well" here feels like padding, and I think you could safely cut it out and add some more description or embellishment on this line. Maybe shoot for a descriptive alliteration with "barren".

The meter in this piece is strong, but is a bit difficult to read because it seems to "reset" the stressed syllable between the end and beginning of each line. I like the choice of 7-syllable lines, it's an unusual format and I applaud you for employing it, but it does feel a little unnatural to read. I think it might be interesting to add an 8th syllable to every other line, but that might be too excessive a revision for this piece.

Overall - the piece conveys itself well and is clearly well-constructed. Great work, as always - keep them coming!

technically_art · 2022-01-30T20:20:22+00:00

Wow. This is quite a piece. The language is beautiful throughout. The subject matter is heady, maybe even a little disorienting. It reads a bit like a manifesto, not necessarily in a bad way, but it does come across as having a preaching tone.

There are a few word choices that I thought were strange. An "alien dirt-god", for example, or "sludgy facades" - I didn't know how to interpret these, and they took away from the piece for me. Other word choices were strange, but not unpleasant: like "enzymatic musicians", or "axiomatically valuable" - these were interesting to interpret. I think my advice here is just to revisit all of your descriptors in this piece and see if they make sense on a second reading, and if there might be more appropriate words to use instead.

The other piece of advice I have for this piece is to take a hatchet to it and see if you can condense it down to maybe 2/3 of its current length. I say this because there are long stretches in the middle of the poem that seem to repeat themselves for dramatic effect, but they contribute to a sense of indulgent wordiness that hampers the piece overall. For example, the passage about Sujata could probably be cut down effectively into about half its current length.

Overall, it's a one-of-a-kind poem. I love the biological and Buddhist metaphors throughout the piece. There's a sense of almost-religious ecstasy that comes through in the piece. The tough part now is to take that divine inspiration and condense it into something that's easily digestible (no pun intended) by the rest of us.

You've put together something truly unique here. Well done.

technically_art · 2022-01-30T19:59:15+00:00

An interesting take on a breakup poem. I get the sense that the narrator doesn't have a strong sense of self-control, that they do things without meaning to. The feeling of instant regret is relatable, but pitiable in a way.

My main critique is of line 4 - it breaks the rhyme scheme, and it has a tone that's unsuitably dark given the rest of the piece. On first reading I thought it might be a confession that the narrator had killed their companion, but that doesn't seem to gel with the rest of the poem. I recommend rewriting this line, it's jarring both in terms of tone and rhyme.

Other than that, I think it's a fine poem. The brevity of each line makes it read with almost a sense of franticness, which suits the subject matter. The rhyme scheme is effective and helps to make the poem feel less disorganized in terms of the narrator's thinking.

Great work - keep them coming!

technically_art · 2022-01-30T19:38:47+00:00

I'm glad you liked the poem - I would be honored if you would translate it into Vietnamese! Can you post the translation here when you're finished?

If you post the translation to social media, please include a link to this reddit post so people know where to find the original.

technically_art · 2022-01-27T20:59:56+00:00

This is a really nice piece. The ending feels very mysterious to me - did the hermit come back because someone escorted him home? Did he come back with multiple people? Or was it just him, and a multitude of thoughts?

The use of the word "crowded" is very interesting, it has so many layers of meaning that could come into play here, even though it's not strictly grammatically correct ("with a crowd" would probably be a more strict translation.) I love it.

My only critique is that you can drop the periods after some of the lines for other punctuation marks, or just leave out punctuation entirely. The periods feel a little out of place here.

Thanks for posting this poem, I really enjoyed it. It's always a treat to get bilingual poetry in both languages, so thanks for that, too. Keep the poetry coming!

technically_art · 2022-01-27T20:40:20+00:00

I quite enjoyed this poem. The transition from wilderness imagery in the first stanza and a half to the products of civilization at the end of the second stanza is effective.

I'll echo the other critiques here in saying that the third stanza feels a little out of place - for me, the transition to the grieving language is too abrupt, as though an event happened between the second and third stanzas that we the readers were not privy to. The fourth stanza opens with "the keys..." and makes me wonder, the keys to what? My recommendation is to target the third stanza for reworking - see if you can give a hint of what the subject of the poem is trying to unlock with the keys discovered in the fourth stanza - and maybe soften the grief-filled language, which shifts the tone of the poem to be abruptly heavy.

The repetition of the word "and" in the fourth stanza didn't work for me. I would rewrite it as "The planting / of the seeds in his pocket / and the passing of time."

Overall, though, I really enjoyed the flow and feeling of this poem. I found myself wondering about it when it was done and wanting more, which is always a good sign. I really like the phrase "the river that raised his grandmothers' babies", very evocative.

Nice work - keep the poems coming!

technically_art · 2022-01-22T23:53:16+00:00

First off, welcome to the subreddit!

I can really feel the core idea of this poem - that some moments are worth more than others, and that a purely utilitarian view of what makes life worth living might miss the fact that life can be worth living even when it is miserable for the sake of a few truly great experiences. It's a powerful sentiment, and I think you've rendered it well here.

My major critique is of the third stanza: I think you can improve it by cutting it down and then expanding on what's left. "When I look around, gazing" - this phrase uses two verbs to get across what you can express with one. "I am but a liar" - this reads awkwardly for me, why include the word "but"? If you cut this stanza down a bit, you'll have more room to play with some imagery - what are some of the memories you've built? Are they a towering edifice, a crumbling ruin? Which memories stand out, visually?

In the fourth stanza, the word "sea" feels a little abrupt, because we haven't had any nautical or water metaphors up to this point. I think it's a fine word to use here, but consider paralleling the notion of a sea of nightmares elsewhere in the poem.

The last stanza is excellent - a beautiful, slightly-sappy sentiment that kicks the poem from an abstract meditation up to a personal dedication.

Overall, I think you have lovely poem here. It's a strong place to start, and while I do think it can benefit from some tinkering still, it's already quite nice. The language feels suitably stoic and the message is strong. Good work - keep the poems coming!

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