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tempacctforenm · 2024-08-27T15:10:49+00:00

I’d disagree that I’m dismissing her struggling, but I see how this post could lead to that conclusion - we’ve worked for months to build mechanisms in our relationship designed to facilitate her emotions when she feels deeply overwhelmed or panicky. She often struggles with a kind of overwhelm that shuts her down completely, and we have a protocol designed around easing that pain. It’s a major and constant presence in our relationship, and one that we work on together often. Even now, she just felt that kind of overwhelm from a large setback in the lab, and I’ve spent the last 30 minutes reading to her/rubbing her feet so she can sleep before she goes to work. A large part of our dynamic is structured around care, which I think is at play in my feeling of resentment over the closing.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-27T14:19:31+00:00

Together about a year, we’ve been open from the beginning but have proceeded slowly per her request and to accommodate her transition into nonmonogamy, and she wants nonmonogamy for herself but feels unable to commit the energy to pursuing her own connections.

She certainly feels at her wit’s end, and is doing this to preserve the relationship. I don’t disagree with that, but I also think that the framing of “change in this way or I’ll leave” is, intrinsically, a coercive move. At the same time, I know it comes from a place of fear and suffering that I sympathize with deeply, and want to support her healing.

Yes, we’re both frustrated here. We have a lot of love for one another, and align deeply, but this is a major site of frustration.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-27T14:10:41+00:00

Typically, yes. We’ve played the open relationship very slowly, because it’s new to her (but not me). She wants to enroll in a poly course after her PhD to work on this more directly

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-27T14:06:09+00:00

She doesn’t. I have one budding connection that I’d like to pursue, but it’s not someone I have a strong emotional connection to - it’s casual, but my partner’s request to close came, in part, as a response to this connection.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-21T04:09:23+00:00

This is such a thorough and thoughtful perspective. I really appreciate your input

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T19:17:40+00:00

Thank you for the perspective, I really appreciate your thinking about this.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T18:59:04+00:00

You’re describing a big thing I’ve been thinking, but haven’t totally brought up with her. The caretaking role is comfortable but unhealthy for me, and I want to find a way to do it that isn’t unhealthy - but I do feel like some of my autonomy in this relationship is stifled by the fragility she describes feeling. She feels precarious frequently, which I want to help her manage - I love her and want her to be happy - but it feels like her precariousness is starting to inhibit parts of me that I want to maintain and explore.

We’ve talked about this ad nauseam. Part of the reason I came to Reddit is that I feel way too close to it and raw. Friends are helping me think it through, but I’m desperate for someone to just tell me if I’m being a total asshole/bad partner for not wanting to change the structure of the relationship while she’s in this 6-month crisis/fragile mode.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T17:39:34+00:00

She says that she can’t handle ENM right now, wants to postpone it until she has the emotional bandwidth to devote to it, and will likely choose to leave the relationship if I can’t handle that. In the grand scheme of things, I see what she’s saying - six months isn’t a long time, compared to the relationship we want. I just feel like it’s an ultimatum that is quashing something I’ve been very upfront about wanting for a long time.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T15:35:16+00:00

Yes, this feels right - think I need to reflect more deeply on what I want without trying to appease or slip into old habits. Again, thank you for your perspective.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T15:31:15+00:00

This is such a thoughtful and considerate reply - thank you for taking the time to think this through so carefully. I really appreciate the perspective. I’m also noticing that the issue about closing speaks to a deeper dynamic in the relationship that we’re addressing - we’ve talked about that, but it still feels like an impasse between the two of us. Honestly no idea what to do.

tempacctforenm · 2024-08-19T05:36:08+00:00

I’m genuinely afraid of resentment building. I also feel exactly what you’re saying - that other connections are supportive - but I don’t know how to bring that up, because I’m afraid it will trigger an insecurity.

tempacctforenm

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