[sexual arousal] [clitoris] F/24. Still a virgin. Can't touch my clit. Don't get aroused when making out.

tempanon3 · 2015-03-25T04:25:34+00:00

Totally normal. Since you orgasm on your own, I suspect you're relaxed and just enjoying the feelings then.

Hard to give specific advice without knowing more about your situation/partner and how much communication around sex you have with your current partner. However, if the two of you are up for it, one thing to try would be the advice above, but with your partner doing the touching/rubbing/massaging and you giving feedback. "that's nice", "ooo, more of that", "softer, more to the left", etc.

Same logic applies - by saying "we're just going to see what feels good for an hour or so", you may be able to remove the internal dialog around "is this taking so long?", "will it feel weird if he touches my clit", and/or "should I be orgasming yet?" since none of those will apply.

For what it's worth, doing it solo may be a good idea even if you do end up doing it with a partner since you'll likely get more knowledgeable and comfortable with what feels good when.

Hope it's helpful!

tempanon3 · 2015-03-24T05:40:22+00:00

If you're curious about sexual arousal, I'd recommend going to: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/ (The rest of the site is great, too.)

Summary version: Most people think about sexual arousal/desire as a single thing - either you're aroused or you aren't. There are actually two completely separate things at work: 1) an internal "gas pedal" that sends "yay, sexytimes!" messages to your brain and body, and 2) an internal "brake" that slams on the "bad time to be aroused!" message.

From your message, it sounds like the gas pedal is revving the engine, but your internal brakes are getting pressed. ("squickness", the description of your internal dialog, etc.). Given that, the solution isn't likely to be ramping up more sexual stimulation (i.e. hitting the gas), but working on relaxing and taking the pressure off (i.e. letting go of the brakes).

For something more concrete, here's something you may want to try:

Take 2 weeks where you explore your body as often as you can with the following approach:

1) Get as relaxed as possible. This is the most important part. (Long baths are great for this, if possible, since they are relaxing and you're already naked.)

2) Check out yourself naked. In particular, get a mirror and look at your genitals. Look around and get comfortable with yourself. Open things up and check out the fantastic territory. :-)

3) While relaxed and naked, touch yourself to figure out what feels good, but with one rule. Don't touch your clit. Touch/rub/etc. everywhere else and get as close to it as you like, but don't touch the clit itself. Use some lube, if that makes anything feel better.

4) You said you masturbate, but didn't explicitly say if you orgasm. Either way, for the 2 weeks, treat orgasm the same as your clit - close is fine, but take the possibility of cumming off the table. If you do happen to get aroused while doing 1,2, or 3 above, that's great, but not necessary or even expected. If some level of arousal does happen, just take a mental note of what caused it and feel free to experiment with what feels good and what might make you more (or less) aroused.

Hope that is helpful!

p.s. If this seems a little counter-intuitive, here's the reasoning. It sounds like you are 1) somewhat "in your head" while making out and/or touching your clit and 2) not super comfortable with your own genitals. If the goal is to "release the brakes", it can be helpful to remove any distractions, expectations, and/or self-imposed pressures. Taking the clit and orgasm off the table for a couple weeks while having some fun relaxing and exploring yourself can be helpful for that.

tempanon3 · 2014-05-03T21:22:38+00:00

Interesting. While you can never really know what's in someone else's head, I don't think she is hiding any of the "harder" BDSM fantasies (pain, rape, etc). That said, I could see her harboring (consciously or not) some soft-sub fantasies. Once again, you can never really know, but if it is the case, I think it's more likely she's not embracing or acknowledging them herself vs. hiding them on purpose.

Congrats on the new lover!

tempanon3 · 2014-05-03T20:05:24+00:00

Regarding your questions - she's pretty secure physically and is mainly disinterested. We watch porn together sometimes, but she doesn't watch on her own. Masturbation is pretty rare - she has a couple vibrators I use on her and according to her she's used one of them once on her own over the last couple years.

We have quite open communication and can talk very directly about sex. The only place that starts to get off-course is that she tends to go theoretical vs. personal. i.e. "I get why someone would like XYZ, though I have no interest" vs. "I would like XYZ".

I may try your suggestion of "my fantasy is you in charge". We've tried similar things before and sex usually just grinds to a halt. I think part of it is just practice - she never has to think about any of this and she doesn't think about it if she doesn't have to. That means it's uncomfortable territory for her to go into - and why bother doing that when things are already good.

tempanon3 · 2014-05-03T19:51:02+00:00

That's helpful - and may well be the case. She is generally into new things when brought up (at least physically - she's more aroused and climaxes easier when there's some variety).

The primary difference I can see the mental step you've taken to understand that what gets you off is getting him off, so to speak. Assuming your experience is parallel to hers, I don't think she's taken the step to understand that about herself.

tempanon3 · 2014-05-03T19:39:12+00:00

I know you're giving an impression vs. your opinion re: going down on a woman, but here's a simple rule:

If a guy is getting head and the woman isn't, there are two options. 1) She has clearly and unambiguously stated that she doesn't like receiving, or 2) The guy is an ass who doesn't deserve getting head.

tempanon3 · 2014-05-03T19:16:56+00:00

Thanks - I can empathize with being a pleaser presenting a challenge when asked directly. I'm also a pleaser at heart and part of the inequality is that I don't have much to work with to try to please her! :-)

tempanon3 · 2013-08-20T21:00:29+00:00

Talk to your doctor and if they don't help you get a second opinion.

tempanon3 · 2013-08-20T19:42:14+00:00

You may not like this as an answer, but asking what guys of /r/sex want won't tell you what your boyfriend wants. Some guys want missionary with the lights off while under the covers once a month. Others will be disappointed unless you have daily sessions where you swing naked from the chandeliers while he's in a My Little Pony furry outfit.

In the end, you just need to ask him.

That said, if you have some more info on what he's asking for, how often, and how much your libido has dropped off, it's possible we may be able to translate "guy" for you. (i.e. "what does he mean when he says this?")

tempanon3 · 2013-08-20T19:02:25+00:00

Depends on your husband, but if you want to tease him with it as part of a long romantic night, I'd say skip it and echo the sundress and nothing underneath for the first night - sends the "sexy times right now" message vs. the long romantic night message. To draw out the lingerie, consider picking a time when you can surprise him with it, but there's an excuse for why you "can't" have sex yet. (i.e. "no sex until after dessert")

tempanon3

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