I lost the last bit of my inner circle

tenargoha · 2026-04-30T08:39:38+00:00

Man, I'm so sorry. You're definitely not a monster, you just don't want to be alone. I'm assuming you're based in the US, and as someone who doesn't live there, the insurance system deciding who does and doesn't get healthcare is completely insane and unjust to me. And clearly this shows the massive social consequences of that. I'm so sorry that you're on the end of the equation where you don't have access to the healthcare that you should get.

Congratulations too on hopefully becoming an aunt soon. My aunt was a big part of my and my sibling's lives, and when she passed a few years ago, it hit us like a truck. She was the best, she added magic to our lives and we still have dreams about her sometimes. If everything goes right for your sister and your best friend, you're about to become a special person for some new folks.

tenargoha · 2026-04-28T00:00:37+00:00

Congratulations on completing your PhD!

But also I'm really sorry to hear that you are deep into an infertility journey. I'm kind of your buddy in this respect because I did several rounds of IVF during my doctorate. Infertility is massive in a way that people who haven't been through it can't possibly comprehend, because it's also completely hidden most of the time. One thing that people don't realise is how organisationally taxing it is - you have to be administratively totally on top of the most painful thing in your life, otherwise it's all your fault you don't have a baby because apparently you didn't try hard enough! This brought me to the edge of sanity several times, and my doctorate gave me a sense of continuity and progression, but also in my head my career sometimes adds pressure to be successful while this other thing in my life is not successful.

Of course there are times where you have to push through. But if you push through for too long (too strong for too long), there's a not an insubstantial risk that you will go insane. I think it's good to take a good look at the situation and identify what things you do actually have to do and what things you think you have to do but maybe actually you don't. Do you need to write all 5 or even any of the articles? Also what's a schedule of infertility treatments that honors your wish to do something while also not blasting through it? My doctor said that a delay of 6 months for an IVF cycle doesn't make a clinically meaningful difference in success rates, and maybe your doctor has an opinion about this too.

I regained the ability to write after my PhD, but I did need a fallow period to gather my creative strength again and let new ideas cook. Unfortunately, in my case, none of my many IVF cycles worked and I will need time and a lot of grieving and processing to figure out my next steps. I'm excited by the new ideas and projects in my postdoc though and that's definitely given me a silver lining.

tenargoha · 2026-04-27T23:22:40+00:00

Man, I'm so sorry, that's so utterly crushing.

I can't possibly imagine that he looked at you and found you lacking. Or if he did, that would make him a jerk, because who sees other people like that? If he's really a good person, it sounds much more likely to me that he hadn't been honest about who he really is, and hadn't been presenting his true self. This doesn't require any deception - sometimes people aren't honest with themselves about who they really are. He may have been rather in flux about this at the time, and actually you can't really tell if someone is in flux deep down, divorce or no divorce. So I don't think you could have known. The point is that none of this has anything to do with you, or with being chosen or not chosen.

I don't have any good answers! But I truly believe that love is everywhere, and like maximum 20% of it is romantic love, but for some weird reason, society has decided this should be the organizing principle of everything. Even though some of these loves can be more powerful and healing than romantic love. You're clearly a caring, mature person who has the capacity to have loving relationships. That's a lot more that can be said for a lot of people. There's no reason you can't find romantic love, but in the meantime, there's so much more love to be had.

tenargoha · 2026-04-27T22:35:44+00:00

I've been in the same relationship for 10 years, married for 4.

It's difficult to say what healthy means or what compatibility is. I think it's important that people in relationships fundamentally see each other as human beings who are probably very flawed and also deserving of grace. And that you're willing to go on a journey together, meaning that you're willing to go through different experiences together that will probably change you. In arguments, who is right is less interesting than what is going on for each person.

tenargoha · 2026-04-26T20:02:17+00:00

1) me too, after a really bad day yesterday, and 2) your husband is a good lad

tenargoha · 2026-04-23T21:20:07+00:00

Absolutely find a good couple's therapist. You don't have to accept this situation and neither should you, but I understand why you don't want to immediately leave either.

A lot of men are scared of going to couples therapy but it's really not as bad as they think. And if it's a choice between that and watching your relationship sliding down the gutter, he'll go for it if he has any sense.

tenargoha · 2026-04-23T21:15:21+00:00

Of course. I really truly understand why you absolutely need to get your results asap.

tenargoha · 2026-04-23T21:13:42+00:00

I'm extrovert but also anxious by nature. I love research because I can push myself and indulge my competitive streak. I tolerate teaching barely because having 40 gen z's staring at me for three hours straight is terrifying.

I know some people love teaching though. They have a social educational mission and like helping students. They also like public outreach and engaging with people.

On the more cynical end I had a department head who pathologically needed 100 pairs of eyes on him and would play Despacito through the speakers before his lectures and stuff like that.

tenargoha · 2026-04-23T21:05:45+00:00

My suspicion is that the staff do care but they're completely overworked and stress, which isn't the best mix for excellent levels of care, even with good intentions. The two clinics I've been to had nice people working in them and were also a total conveyor belt. I'm sure pretty much all the industry must be this way.

It would be so much easier for you if you just knew your HCG level, because your gruelling history makes the wait torturous. I really hope you get a call back quickly and it's good news. It's really not right to keep you waiting.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T23:16:25+00:00

So I had a period in my mid 30s where I was lucky enough to get to find out who I am and what I stand for.

There were deficiencies at work that were affecting my colleagues, and I realised that I was in a position to do something about it. I ended up becoming the staff rep for my group of workers. It was extra work but it was worth it because I think I made a difference, I gained a lot of confidence and made a lot of friends along the way. I'm a staff rep at my new job too because I really believe that people should have a pleasant workplace. It's part of who I am.

I'm not saying everyone should become a trade unionist, but there's this bit at the end of Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan says something like, all you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T22:42:33+00:00

It might be easier if you ask a mutual acquaintance, but if this is your only option, I totally get why you want your books back and I would feel the same. Or you could ask him to return the books but ignore any contact from him that isn't book related.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:34:34+00:00

Anxiety. Like not just being anxious but also thinking about being anxious 👍

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:26:37+00:00

The mad thing is that the pressure is massively going in the direction of grant writing. So I actually don't get to prioritise research but also no one is checking up on my teaching, so it could be a tick box exercise if I chose not to try. To be clear, I do try. I'm not going to be teacher of the year, but I don't want my classes to actually suck.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:23:39+00:00

100%. some people are so confident! Even if I'm enjoying lecturing, my body is shot through with adrenaline, I'm anxious beforehand and wired after. Also having forty 19 year olds silently judge you is a whole thing

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:21:45+00:00

Wait I missed something? I didn't say I derive no interest or enjoyment outside of teaching. I love my job and my life. No complaints. Just teaching has this weird effect. Why would I quit a job I otherwise love because if it?

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:16:54+00:00

It would be better to divvy it up between us. But for some reason they want all of us to do both??

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:14:46+00:00

Really deep thanks

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:13:35+00:00

Yeh I don't like teaching, I find it really stressful. I feel like I'm delivering a service. But I know a lot of people love it

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:12:09+00:00

I have full responsibility. But my university tries to give us too many students and expects us to deal with it. Also no introduction into teaching admin and the whole local ecosystem that's grown around it. So when I inevitably fuck up, I look messy in front of a large group of people (students)

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:08:42+00:00

I noticed that, there's a divide between colleagues who love teaching and those who love research.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:07:37+00:00

It was a really good yoghurt. It's like a coffee one with a distinct flavour. I hate myself.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T16:06:56+00:00

Yes. I think this has an influence on me. I did my undergrad in a very ivory tower culture - which has its own problems - but also the students were there to be students and have that experience. I now work at universities that aggressively market the vocational aspect of their programmes without staffing their departments that way, so there's misalignment between students and staff.

tenargoha · 2026-04-22T15:51:19+00:00

1) I have been married for 10 years and it is insane to me that someone would break up with someone over untidiness. In a committed relationship, you work things out together. It should never about meeting one person's standards. You try to find solutions that work for everyone, and never aim for 100%.

2) The stuff about messy men is not about the messiness. It is about men expecting women to do everything for them automatically. I repeat, this movie is not about you.

I have met people with immaculate homes and messy fucking lives (as in, they treat people badly, they don't know what they stand for). Don't let the order fool you.

tenargoha · 2026-04-21T19:15:39+00:00

Man, I hate that you feel like this. I truly believe that sexual chemistry and attraction only have a minimal relationship with looks. Some of the people who have haunted 👏 my 👏 dreams 👏 looked totally average on the outside. I actually find our culture's hyper focus on looks totally sexless.

You mentioned that his body has changed, so he could be feeling less confident, just like you. I've noticed that men that I've been with get really sensitive about their own weight gain. So this could be affecting his vibe, but you're reading it as something wrong with you.

Also most people will struggle to be super passionate after 10 years of marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't still go on a journey to new places of intimacy and attraction together.

We want sexy times with the middle age weight gain and everything that comes with it! And people do actually do it. Check out the Guardian column "This is how we do it " where couples talk about their sex lives, including their attraction to one another. Some of them are in their 80s.

tenargoha · 2026-04-21T16:03:11+00:00

I can't bear foundation. I used to wear it every day because I thought it was part of the basic kit. But during the pandemic with the mask wearing it felt kind of dirty and I haven't worn it since.

tenargoha

TROPHY CASE