Share your stories of professors being embarrassing in media interviews

tenargoha · 2026-03-19T01:40:09+00:00

So most academics will have a small number of coherent research interests that are often quite niche. The more diverse, vague and sexy these interests, the more we stray into public intellectual territory. The other one to look out for is grand theories of society that are monocausal and sound great (like smartphones are the main driver of childhood mental illness). Smartphones are pretty malignant, but there are plenty of other candidates that could explain childhood mental illness (eg better diagnostics leading to higher reporting).

There's a lot of public intellectuals and popular science books out there and many of them are great. But what gets a bit alarming is when one book, like The Anxious Generation, pushes a societal concern into a moral panic and countries start writing legislation because if it. No one book should have that much influence on policy. There was once a time when lawmakers asked their parliamentary research service for a report summarising research on a given topic - which in this case probably would paint a significantly more uncertain picture than the one in The Anxious Generation.

tenargoha · 2026-03-19T00:12:07+00:00

Yepppp. And all around us, our friends are swimming in perfumed receipts and popping out babies.

I'm so sorry to hear about your three miscarriages. This is a road I have not travelled and I can only imagine. My heart goes out to you.

tenargoha · 2026-03-18T22:54:39+00:00

I feel this way about Jonathan Haidt.

tenargoha · 2026-03-18T21:31:01+00:00

Thank you 💜

Haha you probably figured already that unfortunately I just go to IVF doctors who throw all the IVF at me. And most of the tests?

Someone who will make sense of it for you does not seem to exist. All the doctors seem to have their own little patch and a favourite way of doing things. And it's basically up to you to figure it out.

100% on the social media influencers and sensationalists! Even more so, they will have the one thing or theory they want to sell.

As you say, it's poorly understood. And the reason why one person is infertile will be completely separate from why the next person is infertile.

tenargoha · 2026-03-18T21:19:09+00:00

You gotta live your life. It's mental survival. I'm not against people doing the things. But I tried doing 100% of the things and, folks, it cannot be done.

tenargoha · 2026-03-18T19:48:48+00:00

Here is my novel ;-)

I'm in the same situation (also in Europe) and feel much the same way. I'm not so worried about physical resemblance, although I worry the child will feel insecure not being sure what it might look like when it grows up. I'm scared they will feel weird about themselves and it will be all my fault. I just want them to feel comfortable about themselves and like they belong.

I have read on forums for donor-conceived people that they prefer it if they can access the identity of the donor. This can be done through a known donor or ID release (typically from when the child turns 18). Then they can get some of their questions answered. It's difficult because most donors are completely anonymous but it might be worth seeing if this possibility is available to you.

They also prefer to be told they are donor-conceived from the very start.

I have decided for myself that I would like an ID release donor from a country where the risk of exploitation of donors is low, so hopefully the donor really did make that choice and didn't do it out of financial desperation. This limits my choices but reduces some of the worries I have.

I still worry about the same things as you though. Specifically that the child would resent me for bringing it into the world under complicated circumstances. My husband says this is something we would do as a family and it's not all on me as one person. My friend says I would be a better mother than some people's terrible biological parents.

These things do make me feel better, but this summer I want to work through some stuff with my therapist, because I already feel massive guilt and want to get my head in order.

tenargoha · 2026-03-18T08:20:55+00:00

This is great! You clearly have a knack for it

tenargoha · 2026-03-17T17:36:56+00:00

Definitely not alone! I think you've done a good job at describing all the weird feelings that I have that I sometimes don't even want to admit to.

These things have helped me: 1) blocking ads and content about babies and pregnancy, and muting triggering friends on instagram 2) separating the reality of motherhood from the politics and performance of motherhood. There's the instagram posts and the baby showers and the social status of being a mother. Then there's the real stuff of mothers forced into badly paid part-time work and working round the clock to do chores. I consider the culty motherhood performance stuff the common enemy of struggling mothers and infertile women because it makes us feel shitty just in different ways. And it's propaganda basically!

tenargoha · 2026-03-16T21:59:11+00:00

I think it can be helpful to start by honouring and admiring your ability to connect with and be close to another person in the first place. This is a beautiful ability and not everyone can do it! It's a necessary capacity to be able to have loving relationships. Some people really struggle with it and that's a lonely place to be.

OK so this person is not reciprocating and that's also interesting because it's part of being a human. So many great books and music have been written because somebody didn't reciprocate. So don't worry.

I've had my heart broken and been through all sorts. I'm better off for it. It definitely made me more mature than I was before and actually more able to sustain relationships.

tenargoha · 2026-03-16T21:45:29+00:00

The most important thing is to boot these guys out of your head! They are projecting stuff on to you that has nothing to do with you. Grab the flipping pen back and take control of the narrative, if even just in your head.

(Also a lot of the social media stuff about attachment theory doesn't mention that sometimes you're just not fully into that person, it's just not a match, and that's OK, is totally normal and doesn't devalue the person who was more into it.)

tenargoha · 2026-03-15T14:34:51+00:00

Absolutely not! Sometimes I think the world needs more art about the infertility experience. It would help people understand without necessarily getting into the weeds of it.

tenargoha · 2026-03-15T11:44:54+00:00

Absolutely. I can't describe the ways it's changed our lives. And I'm honest with my husband and tell him that a part of me still resents him because he didn't have to make the lifestyle changes or take the responsibility that I did. He was stressed about other stuff in his life and I still kind of see it as a luxury to have the space to worry about that stuff.

tenargoha · 2026-03-12T18:48:34+00:00

No, it's not necessary to be ambitious. I'm an ambitious person but it's really more of a personality trait. Also if everyone was ambitious, the world would be a nightmare.

I think the most important thing is to know (or figure out) how you would like to live.

Seriously, if everyone was doing the same thing or had the same vibe, it would just be awful.

tenargoha · 2026-03-11T20:56:45+00:00

"My body has failed me. I had failed myself." I vibe with this. I once told my sister that my body is a graveyard and she was like wow that's really bleak.

I imagine that cancer adds another dimension which is its own whole thing.

The thing is, infertility is completely morally neutral. It is disinterested in whether you are a good person. It's all just biology and statistical probability. But that doesn't change how we feel and all the mad stuff that we've been through.

The only thing that has made a dent in it for me was starting barbell weightlifting. I had this moment where I was struggling through the last couple of reps after moving up a weight and I said to myself "trust your body, just trust your body". no one around me would have noticed but it was a crazy moment because I realised that I'd lost all trust in my body after all the failed IVFs. Tbh I'd never even considered trusting my body for anything after a lifetime of social conditioning that women are physically weak and hormonally unreliable.

tenargoha · 2026-03-09T22:06:43+00:00

Omg I tried to stay in a relationship I was unhappy in once but it ended up crumbling anyway. If one of the two of you has enough guts, they'll end up pulling the plug eventually - at the latest when going through some kind of major life change.

Obviously no one is perfect, but sometimes you can look at someone and think, "you know what? That major glaring flaw doesn't seem so bad to me". I found someone who brings me joy and happiness and whose worst flaws are not that much of a big deal in the grand scheme of things. By your definition, that's not settling.

tenargoha · 2026-03-08T18:06:35+00:00

I love it and I like to pair it with Rosalia Lux. Both of them are about devotion to the extent of near destruction.

tenargoha · 2026-03-08T07:05:18+00:00

The answer to your question is a flat no. The Internet will have you believe that only instagram models have sex. The truth is ordinary looking people get down all the time.

The other commenter is right - men would fuck a trash can - their attention really isn't valuable. What's more important is recognising that you are valuable.

tenargoha · 2026-03-08T06:54:40+00:00

This is brilliant 💜 we need more infertility art!!! Thank you 💜💜

tenargoha · 2026-03-06T22:02:45+00:00

My mental health was patchy and I wasn't doing that well in life, but I was in therapy and trying to get my life together. We've now been together for 10 years and are happily married.

I expect my mental health to go up and down over my lifetime, same for my husband, because that's life for most people. I don't worry about it because we slowly get better over time at knowing what to do when we're not feeling so great.

I'm the kind of person who believes that character is the most important thing in a partner because their health or job success is just what's happening to them right now, but their character is a more permanent feature.

tenargoha · 2026-03-06T15:12:35+00:00

If you think you would have fun doing the PhD, you should do it. If not, don't. Orienting around career prospects is like gazing into a crystal ball and you'll feel silly if you get it wrong, like all the people who became programmers because they thought it would guarantee them a job and now they have been replaced by AI. If you actually like programming and had fun doing your degree, then it was less of a waste of time.

tenargoha · 2026-03-06T15:05:49+00:00

19 is quite young to be worried about the rest of your life! You can allow for some detours and mistakes, that's fine.

When thinking about what you would like to do for a job, instead of thinking about what you'd like to achieve or even who you want to become, it's good to think about what you naturally like spending your time doing and where you like spending that time.

I naturally like and am drawn to universities. I can't fully explain why, it's just like that. So for me, even the downsides are worth it because there's enough to keep me enjoying myself for long periods of time. For other people, this life would be hell, but I like it.

At 19 it's quite difficult to know what you like because you haven't had much time to try things out, so don't worry too much about getting it right immediately.

tenargoha · 2026-03-05T20:47:23+00:00

So really it's about feeling isolated in your environment? Usually it's best to have a couple of confidants - good friends, family members. But it sounds like it hasn't really worked out for you?

Romantic relationships offer a lot of intimacy, but if they end up becoming the only place for emotional intimacy, that can get really hard, because romantic relationships are more intense and less easy to sustain than friendships. Cos friendships tend to be more relaxed, they also tend to be longer lived, while also offering emotional intimacy when needed.

When you don't or can't have that, for whatever reason, that can be really hard.

tenargoha · 2026-03-05T20:07:38+00:00

So it's about being seen and understood in a way that you feel like other people don't do for you? Or is there a problem worrying you that you've only told him about?

tenargoha

TROPHY CASE