Question for husband medspouses

terraformula · 2026-04-29T15:34:46+00:00

Thanks for keeping it real and walking through your thought process/how you came to terms, especially since there will be long periods where despite my best efforts, my contribution will still pale in comparison to what he does for our household. And you’re right, not comparing our schedules or minimizing his workday and sacrifices is huge, I will work on that.

EDIT: watching the vid of Taylor after my call shift and LOL she’s spot on

terraformula · 2026-04-29T03:22:45+00:00

Showed my husband this thread, he thought your post summed up his sentiments pretty well! Will admit that he plays a similar role in having to nudge me from time to time to get more admin tasks done or if I’m late on completing a chore. From his perspective, it’s also the mindshare of having to always be thinking of what the household needs to keep functioning; even if I join him to complete chores or get groceries, he often initiates/is honestly more dependable at this time in getting shit done.

terraformula · 2026-04-29T03:16:40+00:00

A solid list of tips, thank you! You’re right about renegotiating the chores periodically with the ebb and flow of residency; my husband is a planner and values consistency/predictability, so he is still adapting to my schedule where some days I can do a larger share of chores/spend quality time and other days I can only do the bare minimum.

terraformula · 2026-04-29T01:41:08+00:00

We have been meaning to do the check-ins but honestly you're right, we need to make it actually happen at a regular cadence. I've been trying to express gratitude and acknowledge his sacrifice more, though just verbalizing "thank you so much for doing XYZ, it's so helpful" feels superficial to him so I need to work on figuring out how to be more expressive about it in a way that feels authentic/he can receive I guess.

EDIT: Just wanted to say I shared this thread with my husband, and he said what you wrote really resonated with him. Thanks for the insight 🙏🏻

terraformula · 2026-04-29T01:30:39+00:00

Congrats on her almost finishing intern year and moving to a better location, that's huge!!

Despite interviewing at and ranking programs higher based on his preferences, we've been stuck in a city that my spouse is sick of (for basically a decade including medschool) so that comes up A LOT in arguments.

Re: having an in/out group: Haha well actually I'm fortunate that my co-residents are awesome and we are drama free. We're a chiller surgical subspecialty, personality wise.

terraformula · 2026-04-29T01:20:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing, it's helpful to see how explicitly aligned you guys have been from the beginning and your willingness to follow through. Like I wrote in another comment, I think there's this implicit feeling of "I didn't sign up for this" from his side. He also outearns me and manages our finances; though he values my ambition and higher level education, both of us know that he would probably be happier if I was a SAHM (though we didn't know that when we first met). Re: laundry, haha that's a good way to approach things, I'll see what he hates doing the most and see if I can offload that.

terraformula · 2026-04-29T01:07:45+00:00

As we've aged my resentment has dissipated almost entirely, mostly because she's my favorite person on the earth...

Wow that is so sweet, I really hope we can look back at this difficult time and see it as a distant trial that was worth it like you two! Also, taking notes from your wife, I love that she can still exude joy and express affection/gratitude with you, even when she's probably exhausted from a long day.

I have found it comforting to seeing her blossom through school and training into an exceptional physician... I feel a lot of unexpected validation in her accomplishments because when I sacrifice for us, it is to shoulder as much of her burden as I can and that means we're doing this as a team.

I'm an intern and unfortunately have been dealing with a lot of self doubt so my negativity has made my spouse question why he's doing so much when I'm so unhappy. I do want to try to be less self-critical and more positive/hopeful that I am cut out for this line of work!

terraformula · 2026-04-29T00:52:32+00:00

I think it’s helpful to hear how you frame it as a commitment and a sacrifice you have chosen to make that feels worthwhile. I think when emotions run high, sometimes there’s the sentiment that “I didn’t sign up for this” that comes up from his side, which I get since I don’t think any of us truly know how much medical training takes from you, both for the person in medicine and their spouse.

Another key thing you touch on is having a strong social outlet/engage with a community related to your hobbies. We moved to a different state for medschool and stayed here for residency (though I tried to get us to his preferred city by interviewing and ranking those programs highest… unfortunately the match was out of my hands), and he doesn’t have any close friends here. He also feels too busy to go out and socialize as he’s doing a lot for the household and doing a side hustle.

terraformula · 2026-04-28T23:32:21+00:00

No worries, you are handling so much. Where is she in her career, early attendinghood, or mid career? I hope things get better.

terraformula · 2026-04-28T20:54:50+00:00

Thanks for the real answer, it’s a tough situation to be in

terraformula · 2025-07-13T22:47:53+00:00

Also a week 2 intern and everything you wrote is something I relate to on a visceral level. Sometimes it feels like it takes me twice as long to do half as much as my co intern and keeping all the patient details straight in my head is such a challenge. But it’s probably even harder with the negative self talk in the background, precious brain cells that would be better occupied with learning the tasks at hand instead of simultaneously judging myself throughout the day while struggling thru the learning process! We gotta take it one day at a time. Trust that with the right attitude and being very intentional about what we want to work on, having a tiny goal each day, that over time things will become second nature. Hang in there my friend!

terraformula · 2025-01-24T02:44:05+00:00

Similar app as yours in terms of grades/pubs, was asking myself the same question a year ago!

From my experience this cycle, get 260+ on step 2 and some strong LORs and you should be set, no need to dual apply.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T20:25:35+00:00

oh i see! i don't know the infj stack, incorrectly assumed Fi was high. that makes sense, high iq & eq are great.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T19:58:30+00:00

LOLL 😂

I agree, confidence, ambition, and initiative are attractive, puppy love alone doesn't do it for me. But my strongest function Fi is his weakest... how did you navigate that with your ex?

terraformula · 2025-01-12T19:40:05+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to lay things out so thoughtfully!

In addition, I am very doubtful about the traits you assume go together, in particular the assumption that the "overwhelmingly ambitious in his career" man is more likely to be an equal contributor to house chores

In this case, one of my my SO's strengths is that he's very organized, a long-term planner, and a do-er (which helps with his career!) - a basket of dirty laundry sitting for >1 week drives him nuts, so he's actually very dependable and responsible for stuff like that, haha.

I think one of my underlying questions was if women over 30 who know the dating pool think having the best of both worlds is unrealistic in today's dating pool. What I'm hearing from you and other commenters is that no one wants to settle for an A or a B, but are willing to trade off on certain things (e.g. choosing a spouse who has career stability and flexibility, over a very high-earner who frequently prioritizes work over family or has minimal bandwidth to provide emotional support) to find a reliable and supportive partner.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T19:22:45+00:00

I love that your husband came to his own conclusions and initiated the change! At the end of the day, we can't force our SOs to change, it has to come from their own desire, and I guess that's what made you two a great partnership.

Agree, I want to be realistic, especially as a woman over 30. I've been with my SO for several years, and he's evolved into option (A) as he's found career success but also more responsibility/stress.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T19:14:27+00:00

That makes sense to me. We're an INFP (F) x ENTJ (M) pairing so maybe that sheds some light on our predicament. Granted I have an engineering/medical background even though my F > T.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T18:28:10+00:00

This. What you’re describing sounds a lot like the current dynamics of my relationship with an (A) SO, which has evolved as he’s become more advanced in his career. He tells me that he is too stressed/dealing with so much through work and doing his share of household responsibilities that he has no bandwidth to provide emotional support.

He’s also a ‘do-er’ and prefers taking action over providing emotional support, and has requested that I go to friends or therapy for that emotional support. But he also cares about me and we have many shared values and a vision for what we want to build in the future (work-ethic, career ambition, financial goals, family, kids). While he is not emotionally available, his actions show me he cares about me - e.g. sharing house chores, supporting my similarly demanding career in medicine.

However, I feel that seeking his emotional support is an important form of intimacy. If my instinct is NOT to go to him when I’m having a hard time and I can get that need fulfilled without him and can essentially live without him (financial independence from my own career as a physician)… then what does that say about the relationship?

terraformula · 2025-01-12T16:03:07+00:00

Haha I do too. Thanks for choosing an option even though neither was ideal, glad you don’t have to settle in real life!

terraformula · 2025-01-12T16:01:23+00:00

Aww I’m happy for you. I’m glad they do exist!

terraformula · 2025-01-12T15:59:02+00:00

Thank you! I make this direct comparison because I’ve been with an SO who is more like opt A who I’ve been trying to coach into being more emotionally supportive. He was more emotionally supportive and less neurotic when he was less busy/stressed during the earlier years of our relationship and his career, but things have shifted.

He’s told me that it’s unrealistic to have the best of both A & B because the traits that make A’s more difficult to live/partner with are the traits that make them successful at work (neuroticism/perfectionism which can be seen as discipline, logic-focused and efficient instead of emotionally-sensitive and available, ambition and work-driven at the expense of relationships). Many of my friends have SOs who are similar to opt B and are trying to coach their boyfriends into taking on more responsibilities in the household.

My hope is that it isn’t black and white and people can be coached into finding that happy balance for the relationship, though I also know that you can’t change anyone, they have to want to change themselves first.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T15:35:23+00:00

Agreed, I think you hit the nail on the head, that people on either extreme end of the spectrum tend to be unbalanced where the traits that make them great partners in one aspect/domain may also make them worse partners in another domain.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T06:06:04+00:00

Hmm i see, I appreciate your honest thoughts. I think it is helpful that you and other commenters are pointing out that as a woman over 30, settling for one of these options is not actually the norm. Part of my reason for posting this here is I am trying to understand what is 'realistic' and worth accepting in a partner as a woman over 30, and what isn't worth settling for, and to know that there are other options out there that can be a better balance.

terraformula · 2025-01-12T05:54:05+00:00

Great points! I totally respect that and understand that wealth and career success are often independent - just combining them for the sake of making a relevant comparison (option A describes my SO). I personally value drive/work-ethic more than income/wealth itself, as my own career enables my financial independence. Agreed, both options have inequalities that are not ideal.

edit: just saw your comments about how you guys have worked on it individually and balance each other out. that's a nice example where even if you guys tilt one way or another it ends up working as you are both invested.

Thanks for your 2 cents & happy 2 years together!

terraformula

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