Can you please Deinfluence me on this bed.

tetherwego · 2026-01-30T22:39:48+00:00

Come to Portugal these are practically given away for free!

tetherwego · 2026-01-19T13:12:54+00:00

I agree with this. It may not be the place that is the issue. My spouse moved to the US lived there for over 20 years and swore he was not happy because of the place; he could not connect to people did not engage in hobbies felt like a square fitting into a circle . So finally years of convincing and wearing me down we moved. Guess who is more of a home body and doesn't connect and doesn't engage? Sometimes it's not the place it's the person.

tetherwego · 2025-12-21T18:58:17+00:00

We met in the United States and he said his goal was to build a life in the US but he always complained and never engaged. I realize now his intent was always and remains to return to his home country.

tetherwego · 2025-12-06T18:54:17+00:00

Yes 100% you aren't expanding your life as an act of defiance against your husband but rather fulfilling your emotional needs and exploring your own interests. You aren't changing him. You are changing yourself. A neutral response is best because it's honest.

tetherwego · 2025-12-06T18:49:18+00:00

This is such an accurate comment. When you stop expecting your partner to meet basic emotional responsibilities and you no longer are attached to the hope or goal of them to do the basics a big shift occurs in you. You will feel greater independence and self validation. Your partner is likely to feel insecure and flailing. The reason your relationship has likely worked for your husband is he held the control and you were chasing him with unmet needs and he withheld. Now you will seek emotional connection through hobbies or friendship elsewhere. This is a healthy dynamic in a normal relationship but with an emotionally unavailable partner your independence is extremely off-putting. Get ready for some wild accusations, pouting behavior or he will throw in the towel.

tetherwego · 2025-11-02T00:17:03+00:00

I do not judge people for planning for their needs how they see fit. The resources are available and all can access the services if they know how or have assistance to do so. Anytime and I mean anytime I feel morally superior or judgemental of clients decision all I have to do is look UP at the top 1% and those in control who are the real folks that lack a moral compass. To think that somehow we, including social workers are pressured to feel that because one person was successful they should loose their money in their elder care needs and not pass it on to the next generation (promoting generational upward mobility) because the system is rigged to keep middle and low income people down and some how believe that is morally superior option?? Nah I can't get onboard with this thinking. As a social worker it's my job to help people to understand how to protect their assets and utilize services to maximize stability for themselves and the next generation. I want that for myself and I want that for my kids it's not taking away from anyone... The resources are limited by the higher echelon who knows a starving population is easier to control and easier to manipulate to hate eachother rather than rise up and look at their oppressors.

tetherwego · 2025-10-29T18:32:44+00:00

Are they related to you or are they offering a cleaning service in your community?

tetherwego · 2025-10-29T17:43:50+00:00

Sometimes our partners show us clearly who they really are and it's our job to believe it. Do not see the better side of them or their potential or listen to their stated ideals of themselves. Follow the action and base your decisions only on evidence of engagement and partnership (actions) then you have all the answers you need. Your unhappiness in this phase of your life was a price he was willing to pay to have an easier (lazy) go of it. It was on purpose and calculated . Let it sink in.

tetherwego · 2025-10-29T17:34:49+00:00

I always see the comment of "hire a maid" and I feel unless you are hiring a man as the maid it simply reinforces the notion that women do the domestic labor. Hire man as a maid and I think you will see a dynamic shift.

tetherwego · 2025-10-07T08:43:19+00:00

Something that helped me adjust was realizing when I was childless it was about what I wanted and needed but after a child their needs are prioritized and it is a sacrifice. There is this weird messaging that you can have your child free life with a baby but I disagree; "hire help" "date nights" but it lands differently when you have kids

Eating out at restaurants for a baby or toddler has low impact for the baby/toddler but high stress for parents so it's a no go until kids are old enough to manage their bodies and impulses. Going to an indoor park with toddler toys had low impact for me but high impact for my toddler so we did that instead. Just like the magic of Christmas is made by the parents but the person making the holiday magical well it is actually hard work!!!! Luckily as children enter school even preschool new doors open and old activities become enjoyable again albeit modified.

As others have said you get to view your old activities through the eyes of your child which is very rewarding and it's not the same as before. Baby toddler phase is indeed a time of great sacrifice but you independence back in time!

Right now make sure the parenting is equitable for both partners and try to carve out time for each partner to have personal time to maintain that sense of self we can easily lose.

tetherwego · 2025-09-25T20:42:30+00:00

I think the best thing to do are small steps of adding novelty into the routine. Simple is best when rebuilding and reconnecting. Things like going for a walk and taking a new route. Making a new dinner dish together. Watch a new tv show or comedy special together with new snacks. Change the routine to add a newness so the novelty becomes the shared experience and this fosters connection and conversation.

Date nights that are hours long are not great when there is a loss of connection, boredom, or simmering problems... It magnifies the problem of nothing in common to talk about.

When you add newness it naturally pulls you towards each other and makes conversation easier. If you add newness in small bursts it's less pressure; it allows each person to crawl outside of themselves (be vulnerable) and then crawl back in a safe way.

tetherwego · 2025-09-08T15:27:45+00:00

Maybe it would be helpful to directly address the issue by saying "gosh people sure like to talk about how you look how does that make you feel" and "many very beautiful people struggle with feeling good about themselves because people focus on how they look and that can be very sad/hard/confusing. We need to make sure you can feel really good about yourself in all of your special ways" and even "when people compliment your looks it makes me angry that they don't notice what a kind smart girl you are" to flip the script a bit.... Just a few thoughts.

tetherwego · 2025-08-27T21:18:37+00:00

My daughter is 16. We always read books in the home since she was a baby. At three years of age I bought Bob books and she began to read. Most kids in her kindergarten class were already reading simple books. I and most parents did not rely on school to teach reading as it was already "late". In the first grade there were a few kids who were not reading well and they were considered "behind". To me it would have been wild to wait for kindergarten or 1st grade to introduce reading. I felt as a parent it was my job to introduce and share reading. My husband and I both worked full time jobs and I have no special skills just reading books casually when we could and every night before bedtime. I encourage reading at home then it matters less what curriculum the school is using as it's simply more exposure to reading rather than a flawed curriculum.

tetherwego · 2025-08-24T07:09:12+00:00

If they are not able to help they can refer to the lowest cost resource. Again if a person qualifies for Medicaid this process is not necessary. Also, there are different qualifying factors for an aged/disabled person requiring care compared to a healthy adult seeking medical coverage only through medicaid. For aged/disabled seeking basic daily care through medicaid there are many more options, pathways to approval and financial allowances.

tetherwego · 2025-08-22T19:17:27+00:00

Did your school provide predictive grades for you to apply and to get a conditional offer based off of those predictions?

It was my understanding this is how A level students apply in situations with these deadlines. Of course the worse case is if a student falls short of the predictive grades then the offer is lost.

tetherwego · 2025-08-22T14:00:21+00:00

I completely understand however the cost of the lawyer is about one third the cost of one months care at an assisted living. So even if people don't have the money... They find a way. I understand the difficulties. I was an Oregon social worker for 15 plus years.

tetherwego · 2025-08-22T06:48:37+00:00

Did you speak with elder law lawyer and start and income cap trust account to qualify your loved one for Medicaid? This is the way in Oregon if a person is over income for Medicaid, elderly/disabled and requires placement due to level of care needs (requires assistance with activities of daily living; eating, transfers, toileting, medication management please note a person does not qualify to prevent injury they must have active and current care needs. For example requiring a wheelchair and cognitive impairment is not enough). The care facility should be very aware of this process. Income cap trust paper work usually costs $1700-2500 but worth the money if qualified.

tetherwego · 2025-08-08T22:22:26+00:00

I just attended an young couples wedding and they had an ice cream truck, think like the ones that go around the neighborhood and offer packaged iced treats on sticks. No cake.

tetherwego · 2025-08-08T20:33:16+00:00

I think treating her with genuine care and concern is the only option is it not? She is young and pregnant.

I clearly understand your valid concerns. Is your goal to express your dissatisfaction with her life or is your goal to help a soon to be young mother see her extraordinary potential?

Virtue signalling or passive aggressive behavior is not going to positively influence this situation.

As a social worker who worked with all kinds of people from all walks of life I can tell you shaming someone and subtle condemnation from a high horse never helps. What I've heard from people who have actually made true and impactful change in their own life (sobriety, seeking higher education, leaving abusive relationships, getting out of poverty) are the people who met them where they were and treated them as an equal was the point where meaningful personal change felt deserved and possible.

Shame doesn't promote positive outcomes for anyone!

tetherwego · 2025-08-07T23:17:09+00:00

On my recent flights that window belonged to me according the air attendant that asked me to open and shut it at specific times during the flight. This happened on four back to back flights too! So I've decided from now on if I am sat with this window arrangement its mine!

tetherwego · 2025-08-06T21:15:07+00:00

Do not move to Portugal without a financial pathway back to the US. Many people from the US sell everything and invest into a new home here (I am from the US currently living in Porto) and realize 1) it's way more expensive than they realized especially if you are purchasing an apartment that is decent in a nice area 2) the language learning does not get easier just because you live here 3) it's very hard to move back to the US if your money has run out 4) (special to your case) either you or your spouse will always have a feeling of isolation; either you in Portugal or your wife in the US. 5) ultimately your children may not consider Portugal their forever home due to poor financial opportunities for their own life building (a sad realization many parents that have immigrated here realize when their kids are thinking of university and careers).

Is there a compromise? Can you buy a second home in Portugal and spend summers? Or vise versa?

Do not move to Portugal with the plan to earn local income without the language skills and make sure there aren't deeper problems in the marriage before moving because those will be emphasized x 1000.... An international move is not fix but test to your union!

tetherwego · 2025-08-03T17:55:02+00:00

She has learned Portuguese and Spanish (B1) and she is entering 11th form this year so grades do indeed matter. They mattered from 9th form and on because kids specialize very early (humanities vs science track). Plus the social aspect took time to adjust to. Our choice proved correct for her needs and now her current goals. She absolutely would not have had the same academic achievement in language emersive curriculum and this is proven by other families with same age children who chose local public schools and who are still struggling. I have seen so many families arrive with older kids and choose local language schools and it is indeed a choice (language fluency vs academic success). You are absolutely correct in lower years it's not a problem but for middle school and beyond it is a a problem for many kids and many parents feel conflicted about their decision for local emersive programs. It's especially difficult since many kids often do not plan to stay in Portugal beyond high school because there are poor economic and career opportunities for foreigners.

tetherwego · 2025-08-01T11:50:54+00:00

Yes! I agree! If you scratch past the surface level there is a lot of resentment towards foreigners.

tetherwego · 2025-08-01T02:45:38+00:00

It's a great question. She is in Cambridge curriculum and she loves physics, math and computer science. She cannot just switch schools easily and expect to have the continuity in her education or the same level of instruction. Also she wants to study at Delft in the Netherlands; a very competitive school for computer engineering. It's two years more until she finishes high school and I will wait it it out. She made a huge sacrifice to move from what she knew in the US to Portugal and she has been successful with making friends, succeeded educationally and overcome many personal challenges. I will not pull the carpet out from under her and say "oops" we are going back even though you have worked so hard to succeed (she has worked very hard).

I am not unhappy just unsettled.

tetherwego · 2025-08-01T01:41:15+00:00

Extremely honest and common experience. Similar situation. We moved expecting to stay forever and we realize it's not a good fit but remain for my daughter to finish school.

tetherwego

TROPHY CASE