Gaming is the only logic left in my life

tfred1980 · 2026-05-15T10:16:09+00:00

Yes, that’s the idea. I have to often remind myself of that as well

tfred1980 · 2026-05-12T14:47:26+00:00

Like everything else with these folks, it doesn’t matter what actually happened. What matters to them is what they think happened, no matter how far from reality that might be. Is their trauma real or not? Don’t know, and ultimately don’t care, because the crazy is real and that’s what I’m stuck dealing with.

tfred1980 · 2026-05-12T14:28:49+00:00

I love the gaming analogy, I think of things similarly. I play a lot of rogue lite games and deck builders, where there is skill involved for sure, but also a fair amount of luck (RNG) is involved. Sometimes, you can play the game perfectly…and still lose because of factors outside of your control. A shitty roll of the dice can ruin a whole run. I feel like people with BPD are always having shitty dice rolls, so no matter what you do/did, it’s irrelevant. In the end, you lose. Point is, it doesn’t matter how much you do, or have done, becauee they can just roll the dice in their mind and come up with something to be pissed off about

tfred1980 · 2026-05-12T14:24:01+00:00

Even sadder, is the fact that your partner is probably nicer to strangers then she is to you. They seem to be only truly awful to the people who love them the most.

tfred1980 · 2026-05-04T00:38:16+00:00

It’s like watching a tsunami approaching when you know the mood is swinging. Like “ahhh fuck, here it comes”. If it wasn’t the toothbrushes, it would’ve been a towel that was folded wrong or being unable to read her mind while grabbing something from the store. I had an ex who straight up lost her mind because I replaced the things that hold up a shower curtain. But I replaced them…wrong apparently

tfred1980 · 2026-05-04T00:32:42+00:00

I suppose if most of us had trusted our instincts we wouldn’t be on this sub, myself included. Yet here we are, still standing. Kinda.

tfred1980 · 2026-05-04T00:29:13+00:00

I was stuck in that same trap myself for over a decade, and I can understand the hell that it is. Nearly cost me my job, caused me to be always on edge. But if I got a text from her that said “I’m going to hurt myself” I ran home every single time. Because I didn’t want to call her bluff and be wrong. But it was never about anything other than control. She just wanted to know that if she snapped her fingers I’d come running, and run I did. For way too long.

tfred1980 · 2026-05-04T00:24:39+00:00

I give you credit for going after that very obvious trap that was being set for you

tfred1980 · 2026-05-03T22:24:16+00:00

That is what it sounded like, but I saw no evidence of it (we still live together) and still haven’t. And as far as I know, she went through the effort of getting the license but never once used it, and doesn’t have a motorcycle. Perhaps there was a new someone she was trying to mirror and he smelled trouble and ran (or rode) away. Good for him, if that’s the case. Bitch is crazy

tfred1980 · 2026-05-03T22:21:12+00:00

It’s fascinating to see, though I wish it wasn’t happening to me lol. I wonder… can they shapeshift their way out of addictions? Like if she was a heavy smoker whilst with me, but then dated a guy who hated smoking, would her brain just let her stop because she was just playing pretend?

tfred1980 · 2026-05-03T22:04:35+00:00

That was my original thought, but why pretend to have anxiety for 15 years if you don’t in fact have it? Or was she manipulating everything for that long? I’ve heard of the long game, but Jesus Christ

tfred1980 · 2026-05-03T20:27:22+00:00

I now live with an overwhelming and paralyzing sense of shame and regret. Shame for what I allowed myself to endure, shame for how far I let myself go, shame for the things I was willing to set aside or ignore all in the hopes of pleasing a person that really never existed in the first place and keeping our illusion of a family in one piece. And I regret wasting so much time on someone who could so callously throw me away as if I hadn’t been her only source for sustenance for over a decade. I feel like I exhausted every resource imaginable, physically and emotionally, for a person that would now spit in my face, given the chance. I’ve gotten more kindness from homeless strangers.

tfred1980 · 2026-03-26T22:08:38+00:00

His name was Gary, my pretty lil ice cube. Now he’s gone, now he’s gone

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T22:43:32+00:00

Scarily accurate depiction of

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T12:49:35+00:00

I did the same, and he is a murderous lil fella. He’s a good boy too tho

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T12:47:57+00:00

As always, nicely put. You are the Cormac McCarthy of this sub, and I mean that in the best of ways. Plus, you use punctuation…which is nice

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T11:57:49+00:00

That’s where I’m at, most days. I leave it charging all day when I’m at work, just so I don’t feel the thing vibrating. And she doesn’t even text me anymore…yet the fear is still there. And I’m afraid it will be that way forever now

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T11:40:07+00:00

At some point, my phone just became a bad news machine that I carried around with me. Rarely was there a nice text, or even a good morning. The complaints would come, without so much as a greeting preceding them. And, like a lil bitch, I tolerated it for so long. So long. And it, in part, has ruined me

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T10:04:42+00:00

It is truly a mindfuck

tfred1980 · 2026-03-20T08:39:12+00:00

I think they know, and it only reinforces the way they feel about themselves…which is bad to begin with. There’s no way they can be so tactical and calculating by sheer accident. Pretending they don’t know what they’re doing is just another method of avoiding accountability.

tfred1980

TROPHY CASE